Subpersonalities

[eunoia]

T thought it was great that I had a happy inner child. It's odd, I have no recollection of being happy as a child. I know I "went away" to an inner world, which is apparently still there. I had a memory recall to it, it was almost like a waking dream. more of this inner world is opening up, it's split too; happy and sunshine and dark and haunting.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Some repeat back-story: I've said before my husband (DH) is undiagnosed complex-PTSD dissociative. He would likely be diagnosed DID, but we are not chasing a diagnosis, because in many ways we feel it's unnecessary and would be more harmful than helpful at this point. He is, what might be referred to elsewhere, as a "healthy multiple." His parts, while each has his/her own disruptions inside the system, are mostly cooperative and co-conscious. And he's learning how to hear everyone out, reassure each as needed, etc. Where my husband used to have confusion, and "revolt" by one part or another inside the system, he now has mostly agreement or knows how to negotiate for it, and he's getting really remarkably good at internal communication ..

He has, to the best we can discern, two "inner child" parts. One we call "Femmy" is likely an "age-slider" and can present anywhere from about 6 yrs to 16 yrs in age, depending on why he's forward. And the other we call "Little" is by far the youngest in the system, and he doesn't really come forward anymore except when traumatized (ie - VERY afraid). Little has mostly merged with both Femmy and "Middle" (my man's "host" and internal mediator and the one all of my husband feels to be his primary self, though I wouldn't confuse this with "core" self .. The "core" is still largely split). I say "mostly merged" (or integrated) because there have been a couple instances where my husband, post "integration," has felt like Little still has a unique voice - mainly in the form of an internal temper tantrum - as he wrestled with a couple of flashbacks in recent weeks.

I suppose I'd say "Femmy" is the extroverted, flirty, overall HAPPY inner child, and "Little" is the shy, introverted, tentative, FEARFUL (and often sad) inner child. And my husband regularly has to advocate for EACH of them internally .. and we are getting pretty good about this TOGETHER too .. For example, I've taken my husband out on dates where we have ON PURPOSE had me driving, and we go DO something together that will specifically bless the little ones .. something fun, lots of color and laughter, lots of bright lights, with or without what most might consider toys, etc. Like .. adult intentionality to engage the playful. (One example, my husband was VERY much like a little boy when at the circus!) :)

We really just aim to take care of EACH of us, and each PART of each of us. And we're even applying our parenting model with the internal little ones (like to calm the temper tantrum, or the sometimes constant nagging like "can I have can I have can I have!" etc.), and this is producing overall VERY good results .. we "reason" with the littles like we would with children, including "putting our foot down" when we have to say no to something. This "putting our foot down" doesn't have to be abusive or mean. (My man also has a protector, "Grumpy," who can be internally abusive - his "foot" is VERY heavy .. but Grumpy is also protective of the little ones in his own way, but he has no patience for their "stupid antics"! so he most resembles my husband's dad and past ... um ... "parenting" techniques - We are all trying to overcome this, but "Grumpy" - by virtue of his job inside the system - is the least cooperative. Still, when "Middle" and I are EFFECTIVE with the littles, Grumpy lets up, which is good for ALL of us!)

~WU

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think when therapists are using IFS, that sometimes the clients believe they have DID. Everyone has different parts when referencing IFS. I know a person who is convinced they are DID, when they are actually doing IFS. This person got the diagnosis in their first therapy session, they said. That does not happen in the US.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I can understand that, for sure .. I think IFS can be an amazing model/tool - no doubt would be helpful to both my husband AND to me, but I know I have been genuinely amazed at discovering the distinctions in my own "parts" as a "singleton" just by virtue of learning more about my husband and how he perceives himself internally. There can be a real temptation to view oneself as "separated" even if we're not "parts" in the "DID" sense ..

My husband teases me in such tempted moments, "You just wanna be like me." (LOL)

I am forever waffling between understanding - and advocating understanding of - the complexities of parts in the "DID" sense, verses the NORMALIZING of "parts" in the IFS everyone-has-parts sense. :) I most certainly do NOT want to minimize my husband's genuine struggle, but at the same time it seems to genuinely BLESS him to know that "parts" CAN also be understood in a "normal" way .. the complexities are real, the struggle is genuine (especially when each part has different and competing desires/opinions, etc.), but somehow the hard/fast lines of "DID" seem less "scary" when the journey isn't quite so mysterious ..

The best "normalizing" for my husband, though, has come NOT so much in my "empathy" (IFS sense) but in our nailing down the details of his own narrative - the more we were able to sew up his various parts' memories, the more we could write these things down into a cohesive narrative, the more CLEAR each part "became" and the "job" or role each part has inside my husband's "system" has become more well-defined.

That is, the critical thing wasn't so much in learning about all the parts and separations .. the critical thing was in finding the UNITY and oneness of his/their shared life experience.

Said another way - finding the right diagnosis or the right "tools" - while very helpful - weren't the primary agency of my husband's HEALING. Rather, the more he knew HIMSELF (or selves :) ), and the more he felt loved by me IN this knowing .. the more he healed NATURALLY....

So, for the original poster - please don't panic. :) In SOME respects, a lot of these are just terms, attempts to figure out the roadmap. The goal in ALL these things is still the same - reconciling ourselves to the TRUTH both of our past and our present, with an eye to moving into the TRUTH of a healed/healing (and God-willing, HAPPY!) FUTURE. We don't have to be afraid of a diagnosis .. we don't have to be panicked by the mysterious .. we just take each day, one at a time, and GROW into our better internal communication structure, our internal cooperation, our consistency and "wholeness" ..

And there is BEAUTY in it, too! My husband may be a "multiple" in some clinical sense - but the way I see it? This just means I am BLESSED to get to know MORE of him, to (re)visit WITH him what he was like as a little boy, sometimes, to actually LOVE him in a caring way where he was once UNloved by others .. In a very real sense, and I don't mean this to be funny, but this has only multiplied (!) our LOVE! :) And increased our sense of being protective of one another. There are so many things that make my husband the man that I love, and some "parts" may have main ownership of some of those qualities, while others own other qualities .. but *I* get to experience my man as WHOLE. And ALL of me loves ALL of him. ;)

~WU

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

PS - got my "threads" a little mixed up .. the "panic" remarks were really meant to be specific to a different thread, but I suppose the THOUGHTS here are still relevant! :)

 

[pixel]

i have connected with the inner child, but the inner child is split. One that holds the traumatic memories and one that is dissociated. I'm not sure what to think of it.

This sounds like two separate parts, not the inner child that most people have.

Parts splinter off when we're dealing with trauma. sometimes they stay stuck at trauma age, and sometimes they continue to grow.


Having a part that is dissociated, as you say, is intriguing. That sounds like a triple dissociative layer...ive never heard of it before.
So are there moments where that part is not experiencing dissociation?

 

[eunoia]

This sounds like two separate parts, not the inner child that most people have.

Parts splinter off when we're dealing with trauma. sometimes they stay stuck at trauma age, and sometimes they continue to grow.

I think you are right, and it has come out in T this week, T has seen and acknowledged my parts. so I think it is more than just the typical inner child. the dissociated part is always dissociated, from what I can tell.

Feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

For ME, as a "singleton" - I have an "inner child" in the IFS sense. My "inner child" part isn't a distinct personality - but more like an emotional state of mind that longs for "parental" approval and never gets it; so rather than being a dissociative state, I "feel" simultaneously as my adult self, the emotional realities of a neglected child.

Whereas for my HUSBAND, as a "multiple" - he has 2 very real and distinct "littles" in the "DID" sense. For my husband, BOTH "littles" are intrinsically dissociative states - and both SPEAK to him as individual selves INSIDE his system .. Though perhaps in the IFS sense, both could perhaps collectively be referred to as my man's "inner child" ..

It seems odd to consider that either Femmy or Little (as we call them) could have yet another level of dissociation .. they ARE among the dissociated selves for my husband. I suppose it isn't impossible for a person's dissociated self to have dissociated states of being also (but identity? vs. being in the emotional sense?) - but that's probably beyond the scope of the majority of "DID" experience ..

In other words, when you, @eunoia , say your "dissociated part" is "always dissociated" .. I take that to mean .. this is a self-identifying encapsulated part (like my husband's Femmy or Little) distinct with his/her own sense of self, personality, desires, fantasies, etc.

I am no therapist, so I'm just thinking out loud, here .. but I don't think "fantasy" for a dissociated part is the same thing as a kind of additional level of dissociation ..

For example, my husband's "Little" fantasizes (arguably a kind of dissociate state of being?), but he (Little AND the rest of my husband) KNOWS it's just "fantasy" (ie, NOT derealisation intrinsically, cuz Little knows the "fantasy" isn't some alternative reality that only he can see, he is intentionally "playing" with it like a day-dream, but he KNOWS he's fully engaged in a "daydream" type state .. now whether this also dips into the notion of some kind of "astral" reality? as if "real" but only on another dimensional plane? THAT'S probably a conversation for a whole 'nother thread :) but my husband and I do wonder about this, too ..) ..

~WU

 

[eunoia]

How I understand it is the theory of Structural Dissociation. The ANP has an EP, and that EP is split off with two other EP's (one of those are dissociated) so it is a possibility.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

In that model, both Femmy and Little in my husband's system would be "EP's" .. but as I understand "ANP" - that would be "Grumpy" (the "protector" fight/flight adrenalin response part), and "Middle" is the host and primary persona who fronts ("has the microphone") .. But if what you just described is so, then Middle would be the main "apparently normal part" and Grumpy would be the "EP" (anger being an emotion) dissociated from Middle. But Femmy and Little are NOT dissociated parts of Grumpy, they are parts of my husband's "core" self/spirit and Middle is, in effect, also a "part" and NOT the same as my husband's "core" which is still split, but most embodied by "Little" ..

The "map" is VERY helpful, especially in communication kerfuffles, but not always precise. ;)

 

[eunoia]

@WhisperingUnicorn not all EP's are split off from the EP's, the ANP can have multiples EPs. In DID they have multiple ANP's.

Now, I'm wondering if that is where subpersonalities fit in? A split from the EP's?

 

[eunoia]

T gave me a workbook to read. It's on IFS. I have a general idea how it works now. They seem to make emotions into parts, which I don't really get. how can this help?