This week I seem to have accomplished a turnaround. Still not entirely out of the woods, but sod it, I'm quitting trying to be perfect the whole time.
Main turnaround has been with panic attacks & worrying about the tension in my body, causing more tension, worrying about what's wrong with me, worrying that I'm killing myself with worry and all of these things, and brought myself back to earth.
I have been viewing panic attacks on so many different levels - inner child parts of me arising, wanting attention, can't give it to myself, god I'm so worthless yada yada yada.. sending myself in a head spin, out of body, exhausted. I've been researching more about panic attacks and anxiety & switching my take on it from being this vastly spiritual soul leaving body and all that jazz, to simply, Elisa you're having a panic attack, just need to slow down and know that you can be calm, and ask myself what am I running away from?
I've spend so many days sitting at work, punishing myself for not feeling able to cope with the smallest things, and so worried that I'm going to get in trouble, be punished, be fired, and all of the above.
This week I've simply said to myself, all that's happening is that I'm pushing myself too hard. Putting so much pressure on myself and what's the worst that can happen? Then flipping it and saying I am in control, I can, and just need to slow right down and take things easy. Also recognised that most of this has kicked back off since I had some major sleep deprivation episodes, and then fed that with sugar and other things to sustain false energy. So, back to basics, get a good night's sleep. How when I worry about not being able to and a dozen thoughts spiralling out of control? By any means necessary - warm bath with relaxing oils, valerian, self hypnosis binaural beats tapes playing to soothe me to sleep, or self confidence tapes. And still worrying I can't sleep? If I do, I do, if I don't, I don't, at least I'm resting. Sometimes it helps to say 'I must stay awake, I must stay awake' whilst listening to relaxing music, and the reverse psychology sometimes has me off sooner than I know.
Also looked at what's happening in my life and what the balance in my life is like. Caught in an exhausted state for so long - flipping between stress, and grasping at relaxation - so where's the fun? Is it any wonder that when I connect with emotions, it's anger at my situation, angry at the world, and my perceived pathetic-ness of self. Ok, so rationally I think what would I tell someone else in my situation? I wouldn't question why why why all this is going on, I'd question what it is that they/I want.
Do I want to be in a job that I don't like which is highly pressurised which I punish myself for day in day out? No. So change it. Too scared to change? What's the worst that can happen? I can't cope? How do I know I won't be able to cope with something else, a different situation unless I try it? Is it worse than sitting in this spiral? Again, don't know til I try.
So as much as I've been sitting in my job, thinking, sh*t, must keep on keeping my life stable whilst I work through this all, this week I've said, I'm going to look at different options - apply for different jobs even though it makes me scared stiff. I don't HAVE to accept them, I don't HAVE to do that, I might not even get a single offer, it might be wrong, but again, I will then have the choice to change it again.
I know change comes from within and all that, but over the last few months, all I've been trying to do is change myself, not my environment. Where's the self acceptance? There's been little to none. I've been questioning myself over and over, reinforcing the belief that there's something wrong with me. And I'm slowly starting to believe that there's nothing wrong with me. Everything I perceive wrong with me is a false judgement of conditioning. It brings into question therapy for me - as much as therapy can give me insight and perhaps a new awareness, it can often also lead me to further inner questioning. I know things need to be worked through rather than be avoided, but really - I feel like I've been questioning myself to the point of non-existance. Also, therapy has been making me more reliant on someone else for answers, rather than trusting that I know the answers and what I must do from within.
I'm not saying that I know exactly what it is I need to do, but I do at least recognise that I have a determination with me, I can attitude, even if I get scared sh*tless. So I'm scared of change, but I'm more afraid of staying stuck in a negative cycle never able to get out. So, feeling the fear and doing it anyway seems to be such a great moto. Yes incredibly daunting when the panic anxiety cycle is so viscious, mental, ungrounded and out of this world, but baby steps back to taking care of me, getting back to earth, feeling human again, understanding that right here, right now, what is here to be scared of? Scared of myself? Well yes, but again that's only because I've pushed myself way too hard and starting rejecting and judging myself against an impossible black & white mentality perfection.
So, my saving graces this week have been - slowing down, working on getting the best rest possible, talking with a friend (& realising that every single person on the planet has worries and at times we think we're the only people caught in a trap of suffering), bach flower remedies, self-hypnosis tapes, and knowing that I CAN be kind to myself and be my own parent, I just need to try and do a little something that scares me because it's better for me to try than to stay trapped in the fear of the unknown. And my god do I feel stronger.
Just thought I'd share my reprieve :) x
Main turnaround has been with panic attacks & worrying about the tension in my body, causing more tension, worrying about what's wrong with me, worrying that I'm killing myself with worry and all of these things, and brought myself back to earth.
I have been viewing panic attacks on so many different levels - inner child parts of me arising, wanting attention, can't give it to myself, god I'm so worthless yada yada yada.. sending myself in a head spin, out of body, exhausted. I've been researching more about panic attacks and anxiety & switching my take on it from being this vastly spiritual soul leaving body and all that jazz, to simply, Elisa you're having a panic attack, just need to slow down and know that you can be calm, and ask myself what am I running away from?
I've spend so many days sitting at work, punishing myself for not feeling able to cope with the smallest things, and so worried that I'm going to get in trouble, be punished, be fired, and all of the above.
This week I've simply said to myself, all that's happening is that I'm pushing myself too hard. Putting so much pressure on myself and what's the worst that can happen? Then flipping it and saying I am in control, I can, and just need to slow right down and take things easy. Also recognised that most of this has kicked back off since I had some major sleep deprivation episodes, and then fed that with sugar and other things to sustain false energy. So, back to basics, get a good night's sleep. How when I worry about not being able to and a dozen thoughts spiralling out of control? By any means necessary - warm bath with relaxing oils, valerian, self hypnosis binaural beats tapes playing to soothe me to sleep, or self confidence tapes. And still worrying I can't sleep? If I do, I do, if I don't, I don't, at least I'm resting. Sometimes it helps to say 'I must stay awake, I must stay awake' whilst listening to relaxing music, and the reverse psychology sometimes has me off sooner than I know.
Also looked at what's happening in my life and what the balance in my life is like. Caught in an exhausted state for so long - flipping between stress, and grasping at relaxation - so where's the fun? Is it any wonder that when I connect with emotions, it's anger at my situation, angry at the world, and my perceived pathetic-ness of self. Ok, so rationally I think what would I tell someone else in my situation? I wouldn't question why why why all this is going on, I'd question what it is that they/I want.
Do I want to be in a job that I don't like which is highly pressurised which I punish myself for day in day out? No. So change it. Too scared to change? What's the worst that can happen? I can't cope? How do I know I won't be able to cope with something else, a different situation unless I try it? Is it worse than sitting in this spiral? Again, don't know til I try.
So as much as I've been sitting in my job, thinking, sh*t, must keep on keeping my life stable whilst I work through this all, this week I've said, I'm going to look at different options - apply for different jobs even though it makes me scared stiff. I don't HAVE to accept them, I don't HAVE to do that, I might not even get a single offer, it might be wrong, but again, I will then have the choice to change it again.
I know change comes from within and all that, but over the last few months, all I've been trying to do is change myself, not my environment. Where's the self acceptance? There's been little to none. I've been questioning myself over and over, reinforcing the belief that there's something wrong with me. And I'm slowly starting to believe that there's nothing wrong with me. Everything I perceive wrong with me is a false judgement of conditioning. It brings into question therapy for me - as much as therapy can give me insight and perhaps a new awareness, it can often also lead me to further inner questioning. I know things need to be worked through rather than be avoided, but really - I feel like I've been questioning myself to the point of non-existance. Also, therapy has been making me more reliant on someone else for answers, rather than trusting that I know the answers and what I must do from within.
I'm not saying that I know exactly what it is I need to do, but I do at least recognise that I have a determination with me, I can attitude, even if I get scared sh*tless. So I'm scared of change, but I'm more afraid of staying stuck in a negative cycle never able to get out. So, feeling the fear and doing it anyway seems to be such a great moto. Yes incredibly daunting when the panic anxiety cycle is so viscious, mental, ungrounded and out of this world, but baby steps back to taking care of me, getting back to earth, feeling human again, understanding that right here, right now, what is here to be scared of? Scared of myself? Well yes, but again that's only because I've pushed myself way too hard and starting rejecting and judging myself against an impossible black & white mentality perfection.
So, my saving graces this week have been - slowing down, working on getting the best rest possible, talking with a friend (& realising that every single person on the planet has worries and at times we think we're the only people caught in a trap of suffering), bach flower remedies, self-hypnosis tapes, and knowing that I CAN be kind to myself and be my own parent, I just need to try and do a little something that scares me because it's better for me to try than to stay trapped in the fear of the unknown. And my god do I feel stronger.
Just thought I'd share my reprieve :) x
