Sudden Flood Of Suicide Ideations

[.45 Princess]

I've been really depressed for the past few days and have been battling thoughts of suicide all day today.
Running errands helped distract me for a little but my brain goes straight back to listing all the reasons why everyone in my life and the world in general would be better without me.
I even pushed myself to exercise hoping it would give me some relief but that didn't last.
I can't stop thinking about what a POS person I am and the possible methods to off myself.

The pervious ideations and attempts were usually from something happening that upset me.
It's frustrating since nothing bad has happened to trigger these ideations c

I've tried contacting my T but haven't heard back from her.

I really want to give in, isolate and just go....

 

[Gs172003]

Have you tried listing all the reasons why you shouldn't do it? Write it down. It may not help you feel better but at least it will give you other things to think about

 

[Maud]

It doesn't have to be something bad to trigger. It can be a date and time. Some of mine took me months and years to figure out. We need you in this fight with us! Hang on.

 

[Ronin]

What about the reasons of why Just Go reasons lie to you?

Because they *do* lie to you. It is good you are alive, you are precious, and death can wait.

 

[Seasounds]

What would help you feel supported?
Would speaking to someone at the crisis line help, until you hear from your therapist?

 

[Justmehere]

When this happens for me, it's usually a sign of something I'm trying to escape and run from or that I'm overwhelmed by ordinary life and a shitty part of the difficult battle against depression.

If you are taking any psych meds, it could also be a sign of a dangerous side effect - and if you are taking any, call your doc right away and let them know too.

I'm glad errands were a distraction. It's great you reached out to your therapist and I hope she gets back to you soon.

Perhaps you can look for other distractions and positive safe escapes. I know they are not lasting very long, but every minute they keep you alive is a victory.

You are not a piece of shit.

I'm going to gently challenge you to try to think of three neutral statements about yourself or three positive affirmations (preferable) and to write them down on a card or paper and look at that paper over and over --- even if you don't beleive them one single bit. It sounds stupid but it can begin to shift the brain, even if you don't beleive them. (Yeah, I know this is so hard to do.)

You are a kind person who touches many lives. You have more wisdom than maybe you know and you are quite courageous. All these things are true.

The thoughts that you are a POS - they are not true not accurate - disagree with the abusers and anyone who ever gave you this message. They were wrong. It's not you.

You. Have. Great. Worth.

Also keep in Ming services like crisis chat and crisis text as options to reach out to for ideas on how to get through this. I hope you find safe relief soon. :hug:

 

[mamachick]

Princess, I have found that when ptsd hijacks the brain with lies, it is like the negative feelings are just lying dormant and waiting for something bad to happen so the little critic monsters can validate how bad it is and set that suicide ideation in motion. Those little thought monsters are just lying in wait, waiting for an opportunity to seize the moment. When something bad doesn't happen after a time, or when we isolate, we obviously have less conflicts with people, they get restless. Then they just stir things up for no reason at all, and get us to buy into their lies.

Exercising is good. You said that the effects didn't last. See the good. It is good that it helped then-focus on that. It helped for a little while so you found something that DOES help. Exercise again, and again, and again, everyday to fight those little ugly monsters off. They are lying to you. Nothing would be better with out you, and you don't know what good you have left to bring the world, and you can't bring it if you are gone.

Im glad you are trying to reach your T. Keep trying. Don't give in to those thoughts.

Why are you listing reasons why others in your life would be better off without you? Please know the question is not a criticism, I am just pointing out evidence that your brain is hijacked to be thinking that way. I have been where you are and may return again though I hope not. When days are a bit better or even neutral, I try to use that time to kind of build a bucket list, or wish or desire list. The things can be really small, even images of having coffee on my porch with a good friend and feelings of closeness and laughter. If I can imagine it, then it can happen. Nothing is permanent.

When I have thought that those in my life would be better off without me, (my grown daughters don't even talk to me) then I try to remember that there are others that I haven't even met yet who would not be better off without me. I don't know the purpose, but I know that you have one. Don't let those lies fool you.

 

[.45 Princess]

Have you tried listing all the reasons why you shouldn't do it? Write it down. It may not help you...

I've written and have been going over a mental list of reasons to and not to..

I've gone through the lists countless times trying to convince myself NOT to do it and even tried to focus on positive things to flip my mood but the thoughts of wanting to give up and reasons to are too overwhelming.

 

[.45 Princess]

It doesn't have to be something bad to trigger. It can be a date and time. Some of mine took me months and...

I am currently dealing with something that is really stressful but I don't think it would shift my mood so suddenly since this has been going on for a couple of months now..

I really have been fighting to keep going instead of letting my demons take over so easily. I really can't think of any other possible solutions..

 

[.45 Princess]

What about the reasons of why Just Go reasons lie to you?

Because they *do* lie to you. It is good you ar...

I actually went through a period not too long ago where I would find the positivity and happiness in everything. Even if it was tragic. It was actually caused by something and sadly it was either temporary or drained over time.. I'm trying my best to go back to that but it almost feels impossible.

 

[Ronin]

I would find the positivity and happiness in everything. Even if it was tragic.

Maybe not that, I was thinking more like things you can be like Sigh, just life / This sucks but I am sticking around for another time, even if I don't know what that other time will bring, kind of thing. As things will get different, it is getting through hardships now that's difficult but does not mean things stay at the low point forever.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I, too, have felt these feeling of inadequacy lately and cut myself again. I'm tired of just not feeling "normal" and whenever something happens good to me, someone destroys it by yelling at me or by something depressing that interrupts things. I have scars on my arms from where I've cut myself and I remember when someone first saw them and she looked at me in shock. She said "we have to talk" and she asked me about my husband. I said I wasn't happy here in Nebraska and I'm not. I f**king hate it.
I feel that anything I do to bring myself up is overshadowed by angry people who yell at me like my husband did tonight about the bank account. I can't feel one iota of happiness. I'm crying right now. I can't stand this.