Sufferer Suffered In Ignorance Of Cpsd For 50 Years

[Elabor]

I am 50 years old,I grew up in a angry dysfunctional home where I was emotionally abused and physically abused and scapegoated by parents and siblings my behaviour was modified I believe to invite their abuse.At 17 I found my Father dead on the living room couch after suffering a coronary in the night,he'd been dead for 5 hours and was not a "Hollywood corpse",something changed me that day I became unable to feel strong positive emotions.This was during the recession of the 80 unemployment was a record levels and my town was the top in the country.I was stressed trapped lonely and neglected by my lost narcissistic mother who saw her job was over where I was concerned.This period was the forming of behaviours which have led it to be completely destroyed.After searching unsuccessfully for years for happiness.I crashed at 30 drinking heavily and in terrible relationships.I got myself together enough to get to university to study design.The course was disappointing and the stress of eviction and work while study made me depressed and anxious,my health stared to fail even though I went to the gym 3 ties a week.I was on a boys night out in Manchester and I met My now wife she was" all over me" and tried to take me to the toilets for sex(alarm bells should have rung)but I am needy and the attention was welcome.The relationship continued and she fell pregnant in my final year semester,her behaviour changed over night,It took years to figure out I had married a narcissist who found my frailties and sadistically exploited them I became increasingly unstable and after 15 years of narcissistic abuse had to fled the relationship to a refuge,this is where I am now,lonely ,desperate, penniless,and deeply messed up,I think about suicide all the time and have planned it out,I have no one person who cares apart from my children who cant and will not speak to me,because of the state I was in when I left they are angry and I believe my wife may have a new supply(man,if people don't know the M.O of a narc). I was going to buy the meant at which to end my life but there was a card from my counsellor who said she missed me and wants to see me.This made me cry just any compassion makes me cry, Im in so much pain,and the refuge workers are un professional and manipulative.It all points to the end for me cant at the minute see any way forward,just f*cking horrendous pain.

 

[Anarchy]

Hello Ray,
Welcome to the forum.
You have found a safe and sympathetic place, with people who do get it.

Was your home town the one that is 800 feet up on a windy hill top, and used to be coated in pink dust, but was later known as a source of crisps from number one?

I get the shame feelings of unworthiness with displays of empathy too.

What is the current state of your suicidal feelings? Ideas,urges or plans?

Do you have skills in grounding and self soothing? Pete Walker's cptsd site has some for coping with emotional flashbacks.

Are you able to recognise the feelings as feelings rather than acting on them?

Are you substance dependant? If it is alcohol, can you go without it, or would you risk seizures. Reason I ask, is alcohol can lower our inhibitions and weaken our coping abilities.

If you are really desperate can you get to an A&E department or call Samaritans for advice on getting emergency help?

Are you still in the vicinity of that windy hilltop?
@

 

[Elabor]

Hello Ray,
Welcome to the forum.
You have found a safe and sympathetic place, with people who do get it....

I have no coping strategies I am not coping I have no money I have had an emotional melt down this week.I don't drink and use exercise to cope but have over trained and now am Ill from virus.I have been surveying suicide materials today but something stopped me buying,I suppose that's good.The devastation I feel at the moment has taken my drive to want to survive,and this refuge feels like a prison of pain a punishment for being ruined.I have no money my wife saw to that Im in debt to the tune of 20'000 and have no contact with my boys.She is reframing and playing victim I suspect but would not know as Ive had no contact for 3 months.No Im not in the north east.I was in manchester but had to run.How do I cope?

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi ray
I'm sorry to hear about your traumas and well done for joining the forum, you will receive lots of support from here. Please seek help as you are obviously in s very low place considering suicide. I'm in agreement with anarchy ? You should go to A and E and sdk for an assessment or seek support from the Samaritans who work amazingly to support when someone is in need of it X I wish you well, and pray you receive the support you need X

 

[Elabor]

Thanks for the support.

 

[intothelight]

@Ray Morgan Welcome!

At this point, take it one hour at a time and reach out for help anywhere you can find it. It can get better and it is a journey made just one step at a time.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for the reply.

Some basic skills for you
Grounding
This is what gets you into the present time
It gets you out of flashbacks to past bad things. It brings you out of chains of drastic thinking.

The more senses you can use the better,
Look around you, I count things of the same shape in the same orientation, and things the same colour.
Listen to what is around you. Don't judge, just notice.
Taste, a single piece of chocolate, a single raisin, a sharp tasting sweet... Notice the feel in your mouth, the shape, don't judge it as good or bad, just notice it.
Feeling, please avoid using pain for the feeling. Notice your breathing, the in and out, the rise and fall of your chest, your breath on your top lip.
The weight of your arse on the seat, your feet on the floor, the warmth or cold of the room.
Smell... Don't judge as good or bad, just notice.

You clearly have the "wise mind" to have come here rather than act on your feelings

When you are grounded you can see and describe what your feelings are. Acknowledge that you have them and what they are, without having to follow them.

Self soothing
This is the area of comfort foods and sweet teas and coffee, wrapping yourself in a warm blanket or pulling the collar of your jacket up around your chin. It's feeling comfortable and safe.

If you have good Internet access, download the audio book of " the mindful way through depression " from youtube. ignore the word depression in the title, it's far more useful than just depression. Listen in manageable chunks, say 20mins a setting.

If you are not on anti depressants, try to resist being put on them. They can double your risk of suicide! If you are on them, this is not a good time to stop them. Keep taking them.

I went on the road last year. It can be very difficult to ask for help, or to ask friends for help.
It is also too easy to fall into a co dependant rescue when you do.
Be aware of those two extremes and aim for a middle path. Overcome feelings of shame and seek well defined help.

Pete Walker's cptsd site has good resources for recognising and managing emotional flashbacks.

Please avoid having "means" available. You do not want to act on an impulse or a flashback.

Good luck.
I'll look in tomorrow. I don't have Internet in the house.

 

[Anarchy]

Better add,
When I wrote "don't judge"
If you find yourself doing it, notice what you are doing, and good naturedly with the next breath go back to what you were noticing to ground.

There's no blame.

 

[Anarchy]

Calling by to see how you are doing?

Hope you are in a better place today.
@

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Elabor and welcome to the forum.

 

[Anarchy]

Hoping you are OK!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

(also posted direct to @Elabor 's profile)

I see you appeared only for one post, but it was very near and dear to my heart .. praying you are finding the help you need and, as Anarchy replied on your post, trying "grounding" techniques as a good place to START to get a hold of some peace in the struggle. My guy is almost 50, and we didn't "figure out" his complex PTSD until last couple years, (to be cont)

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   WhisperingUnicorn .. though we obviously knew of his past traumas, etc. And there is HOPE! Dx and/or "labels" aren't PREDICTIVE, just DESCRIPTIVE, and a helpful way to zero in on treatments/techniques specific to the struggles ..
   3 minutes ago
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   WhisperingUnicorn I sincerely hope you are ok, and come back to find support in this forum, as well as a good Therapist versed in treatment of PTSD issues. If by "C" you mean "complex" your T should also be very well versed in "dissociative" matters ..
   2 minutes ago
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   WhisperingUnicorn (I assume "complex" is what you mean based on the other details in your post). This T should also be VERY compassionate/merciful by temperament to help walk you through "hard snaps" .. But if by "C" you mean "combat" you might consider finding a way to visit with other vets ..
   1 minute ago
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   WhisperingUnicorn if for no other reason than to talk about common experiences, which is another great starting place to find help. Prayers on your behalf if you accept. :)