General Sufferer And Carer

[The Sentinel]

Most of you know I'm a sufferer, that's something that has been discussed, but as of last Tuesday I've become a carer. There's a hell of a story involved that I'm not entirely at liberty to discuss but at the moment I'm caring for someone with severe CPTSD. I don't regret a moment of it, nor do I face what I have to do with trepidation or anything but sincere compassion and support. I know what this person is going through, I've faced some of it myself (though they have DRASTICALLY more severe flashbacks than I do) and understand what I am getting into.

I am not romantically involved with this individual that I am caring for (I'm being a bit circumspect as to their identity, but it is explicitly NOT my boyfriend) and the way I wound up becoming this individual's carer is not something that is up for debate or public discussion, anyone that wants to know more may message me privately and I will speak on it there, but I don't want to discuss the details of it in public.

However, the essence of why I'm making this post is I want to ask about a particular event that happened and see if it's something anyone else has encountered before.

As stated, my friend has CPTSD and this evening she had a VIOLENT flashback. She went catatonic and then proceeded to talk her way through the trauma, beginning to end (she has severe amnesia and doesn't consciously remember what she told me) and then went silent. I tried to talk to her and coax her out, reminding her she was safe, that I was there, that I understood she was scared but she needed to wake up now, reminding her where she was. She didn't respond for some time but eventually she leapt upwards, gasping and clawing at me like someone drowning just brought to the surface. She said she could hear me but couldn't respond to me and was terrified. It took me a long time to calm her down and remind her where she was. I just held her through the process and eventually took her into the kitchen and got her some water. She seemed calmer after that and more like herself, though she was still really shaken. She fell asleep shortly afterwords, absolutely exhausted.

I have flashbacks too, but not like that. I was wondering if anyone else had encountered this kind of thing before and if so, did I handle it properly? I'm really not looking for "You shouldn't be handling this!" or anything like that, frankly I don't have a choice. I can explain all of this in PMs if asked, but it's not something I will discuss in public and answers to that effect will be disregarded since without all (or any) of the information I can't offer any explanation at this time. I don't mean to be rude, but please, just answer the question regarding how to handle the specific symptom or if I did an alright job doing it.

Thanks in advance.

 

[The Sentinel]

... Anyone?

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Sentinel,

I am new here but I have struggled with CPTSD for many years, half untreated, half treated, and at time in between, in denail. :)

Obviously, I cannot judge your situation without having witnessed it firsthand myself, but from what you describe, I would say that you handled it :
a) in the best way you thought possible at the time
b) responsibly and with a great deal of compassion.

It's "b" that always concerns me most. Oftentimes, and you know this as a sufferer yourself, a single ounce of compassion is worth ten years of therapy and meds.

I have had a similar experience to your friend's and I can say that in that instance, I had never felt more loved, more accepted and more cared for than in that moment.
I think your instincts were spot on, from what you have described, and you will probably never know the full extent of what that meant to her as a human being worthy of compassion, and care. Since you are a sufferrer yourself, you know how difficult it is for us to verbalize our feelings, and I hope that you can trust her future reactions toward you as proof of her gratitude.

Please allow me a moment to describe to you my similar experience:

I was finally rescued from my kidnapping by a police officer, a total stranger. He carried me out of the apartment, into a yard area that had a tree, and sat down with me on his lap. I was catatonic, and unable to respond to questioning from any police investigators. I had been in the situation for 3 years. I was unable to speak. And this police officer, somehow was able to sense that I needed so many things. He held me and rocked me as if I were a five year old. That moment, actually extended to over an hour. He wiped my tears, my "snot", my hair away from my face, and it was the first time in 3 years that I had known any tenderness. I never did "speak" to him, but all of a sudden I clawed at his chest and beat on it with my fists and the simple act of him allowing that, led to a real healing in my soul. I remember his face, and I remember his name, and 15 years later, I am still praying for him daily, that he is blessed, protected and safe even though I have no idea where he is in the world now.
That hour was my salvation and it gave me the strength to continue to live, one more day, each day as it comes. I was catatonic for over a month after that. But in my heart, I know that that hour that police officer spent with me was one of the most precious, most enduring and most healing hours of my life.

Bless you for your courage, your strength and your compassion for your friend. It will never go unnoticed, or unrewarded.
Best wishes,
Suzanne

 

[ISupportHer]

Sorry, I know that you are waiting for responses. I can't answer right now but I will share some episodes I have seen. More dissociation with some disclosure than flashbacks, but yet with no memory of saying it to me.

ISH

 

[amethist]

Hi The Sentinel

Please try and be patient when waiting for a reply to questions you need answering. Important as they are, unfortunately we carers sometimes have our own issues to deal with and the forum can be the last place we think of being.

As to your question, yes you did do the right thing in handling it this way. You stayed with her through all of this episode, you where there when she finally came out of it. The relief for her will have been overwhelming, knowing that even though she could hear you but not respond, she was safe.

I have had to do this with my husband on many occasion in the past, he has never attacked me, but the relief on his face as he begins to ground again is enough to know "I got it right"

A question you could ask yourself and your friend, "If this happened again would you do the same next time, and would she want you there, now knowing you got it right."

Take care and keep going your doing OK with it all.

Amethist

 

[cherryblossom]

As a PTSD sufferer, I have a lot of flashbacks, gnerally when I'm alone. I'm sure it would be a great comfort to have a friend like you around at the time. It sounds like you did all the right things at the time. As amethist has suggested it would probably be worthwhile discussing this episode with your friend, so that if it happens again, you both know what to expect, and how to react to one and other.

 

[The Sentinel]

Forgive if I seemed pushy, I waited several days before bumping the thread, the reason I was in a bit of a hurry was to make sure that I knew what I was facing and if it happens again I'm ready. I'm appreciative of the feedback I have received.

I have spoken to her about the episode and we have discussed it and what happened afterwords so hopefully we can face it if it occurs again.

 

[ISupportHer]

Hope it's OK to contact you privately. Some of what I may discuss, I'd rather not have in a public area.

ISH

 

[Artista]

I too have flashbacks and seem to mostly "allow" them, I think subconsciously, when I am alone. I don't trust anyone's reaction to share them. I can see it would be healing perhaps to do so. Hard to let go of something to another when for so long you got the gist, not to do that... that the outcome would just further alienate the person from you.

I appreciate this post and its views. As always... makes me think and re-think some of my reactions. I think you did a wonderful job of being a carer and probably added much to it, since you are a survivor. I am proud of you and your friend is lucky. She must have felt safe enough to do this.... says a lot about you. : )

Did it help you in your dealing with PTSD at all??? To totally be on the other side of this?

 

[Tinyflame]

Artista, just a question:

I rarely get flashbacks and certainly can't say if I unconsciously allow them (I don't think so, I think they are triggered), but I certainly can't control them in that one minute everything is normal, the next second you are 'there', with no warning and that quickly. I certainly have absolutely no control or forewarning they are coming. How do you possibly "not allow them"?
-Thanks-

 

[The Sentinel]

ISupportHer,

That's fine, I don't mind PMs at all. :)

Artista,

Thank you very much. It does definitely give me a different perspective being in the position of carer. However, my friend also cares for me if I need it. We support each other which is a very helpful thing, it's been good to have someone that I know I can lean on if I have to. She and I trust each other greatly and I know that if I had to collapse that she wouldn't judge me for it.

I appreciate the support and kind words, everyone. Thank you all. It's good to know I'm heading in a good direction with this. I was worried.