I don´t know if I have PTSD, panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression or whatever. I´ve been a nervous person since I was a child, and looking back I showed symptoms of anxiety and depression since I can remember because I suffered episodes of depersonalization and derealization through my childhood and adolescence, and also had suicidal thoughts.
Somehow I got over it and in my early 20s I was impressed with myself of how good I had turned out to be given my past mental state. But one day in my mid 20s I started noticing strange heart palpitations. This was during a period of time where I was using cocaine, which I quit soon afterwards. Maybe the palpitations had always been there and I was just starting to notice them, but from that moment on I started having some strange arrhythmias that doctors atributed to anxiety, which I thought I wasn´t having at that time.
But after a while, as doctors couldn´t really tell me what my arrhythmias were because they never catched them on EKG and didn´t even do an echocardiogram, I started thinking that maybe I had f*cked my heart by using coke and I started to really have anxiety. At first it was mild and I only felt anxiety after the arrhythmic episodes. But then it started getting worse and I became afraid of having a rapid heart rate and developed panic attacks, so I began to avoid all situations that might cause them. It was very gradual, over a period of around 4 years, but it has ended with me practically locked in my home, and now even here I don´t feel safe. I feel afraid to have visitors because I might get nervous and have a tachycardia, getting into the shower because if it happens while I´m there I might get dizzy and faint, scared to eat because for some reason lately I also have anxiety and palpitations after eating...
In the past, the panic attacks would pass rather quickly and afterwards I used to feel good with myself because I had overcome it and I was glad that I was still alive. But lately it´s different. I feel that this has been going on for too long already, I´ve gone to 2 therapists in the past year and they didn´t help me, I only kept getting worse. My friends and family don´t seem to understand or be able to help either. I feel very alone and distant from everyone. And now when I have anxiety attacks, at first I get scared, but I also feel very depressed and angry at the same time and I start thinking that maybe instead of taking one pill to make the anxiety go away I should take more and end it all. I have been suicidal in the past, and even had a plan, but the thing that stopped me was to think about the pain that I would cause to my family. Now I have a better plan, although I don´t think that I´m at risk of fulfilling it right now, but I´m more afraid of the suicidal urges that I feel during my anxiety attacks, because in that moment I can´t really be too rational and when I´m sad and angry (which is how I felt during the last anxiety attacks, besides scared) it´s when I feel more dangerous to myself.
So, after all this rant my main questions are:
What can I do to prevent me from doing something stupid during an anxiety attack?
Would it be better if I raised the dose of bromazepam I´m taking to prevent the attacks in the first place?
For 2 or 3 years I was taking it only when needed, at first maybe only 3-4 times a month. But since January I´ve been taking at least one daily (1,5mg) and since summer started and my anxiety has gotten worse, most days I take 2 (one in the morning, one at night), but the one in the morning doesn´t seem to be enough to prevent a panic attack, so I´m thinking maybe I should double my morning dose. But I have to say I HATE depending on the pills and I´m also afraid that I´ll get hooked, if I´m not already...
Forgive me for the very long post, but I really don´t know what to do and I thought that maybe here someone has some advice. I would also be grateful if someone knows what I could do to "uncondition" my overreactive response to palpitations, which seem to be the trigger, and reduce my hipervigilance and mental "flashes" of me having an arrhythmia.
Somehow I got over it and in my early 20s I was impressed with myself of how good I had turned out to be given my past mental state. But one day in my mid 20s I started noticing strange heart palpitations. This was during a period of time where I was using cocaine, which I quit soon afterwards. Maybe the palpitations had always been there and I was just starting to notice them, but from that moment on I started having some strange arrhythmias that doctors atributed to anxiety, which I thought I wasn´t having at that time.
But after a while, as doctors couldn´t really tell me what my arrhythmias were because they never catched them on EKG and didn´t even do an echocardiogram, I started thinking that maybe I had f*cked my heart by using coke and I started to really have anxiety. At first it was mild and I only felt anxiety after the arrhythmic episodes. But then it started getting worse and I became afraid of having a rapid heart rate and developed panic attacks, so I began to avoid all situations that might cause them. It was very gradual, over a period of around 4 years, but it has ended with me practically locked in my home, and now even here I don´t feel safe. I feel afraid to have visitors because I might get nervous and have a tachycardia, getting into the shower because if it happens while I´m there I might get dizzy and faint, scared to eat because for some reason lately I also have anxiety and palpitations after eating...
In the past, the panic attacks would pass rather quickly and afterwards I used to feel good with myself because I had overcome it and I was glad that I was still alive. But lately it´s different. I feel that this has been going on for too long already, I´ve gone to 2 therapists in the past year and they didn´t help me, I only kept getting worse. My friends and family don´t seem to understand or be able to help either. I feel very alone and distant from everyone. And now when I have anxiety attacks, at first I get scared, but I also feel very depressed and angry at the same time and I start thinking that maybe instead of taking one pill to make the anxiety go away I should take more and end it all. I have been suicidal in the past, and even had a plan, but the thing that stopped me was to think about the pain that I would cause to my family. Now I have a better plan, although I don´t think that I´m at risk of fulfilling it right now, but I´m more afraid of the suicidal urges that I feel during my anxiety attacks, because in that moment I can´t really be too rational and when I´m sad and angry (which is how I felt during the last anxiety attacks, besides scared) it´s when I feel more dangerous to myself.
So, after all this rant my main questions are:
What can I do to prevent me from doing something stupid during an anxiety attack?
Would it be better if I raised the dose of bromazepam I´m taking to prevent the attacks in the first place?
For 2 or 3 years I was taking it only when needed, at first maybe only 3-4 times a month. But since January I´ve been taking at least one daily (1,5mg) and since summer started and my anxiety has gotten worse, most days I take 2 (one in the morning, one at night), but the one in the morning doesn´t seem to be enough to prevent a panic attack, so I´m thinking maybe I should double my morning dose. But I have to say I HATE depending on the pills and I´m also afraid that I´ll get hooked, if I´m not already...
Forgive me for the very long post, but I really don´t know what to do and I thought that maybe here someone has some advice. I would also be grateful if someone knows what I could do to "uncondition" my overreactive response to palpitations, which seem to be the trigger, and reduce my hipervigilance and mental "flashes" of me having an arrhythmia.
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