Suicidal Ideation Triggered By Feeling Great???

[NovemberStar]

I've had an awesome couple of weeks - no flashbacks, depression evaporated, enjoying life and feeling really good - happy.

So why suicidal ideation???

All I can come up with is - is it because I am feeling so good and I just don't want to have things resurface and be dragged back down?

That I want to die when feeling good, as opposed to dyng when feeling in my own personal hell?

Does anyone else experience this? (Suicidal thoughts and feelings when life is going great)?

 

[arfie]

Suicide is not big on my own symptom list, but things going well can trigger my symptoms as bad or worse than things going badly. Things going badly is something I am used to. In my PTSD, things going well means a fall is on its way. The better I am doing, the further I have to fall. My instinct is to be in control of the fall and that is best accomplished if I jump rather than wait for somebody to push me off the pedestal.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I feel vulnerable when I'm doing well. I can be awash in normalcy and then wham- I'm cut off at the knees and my mood collapses. It's the agony of a depressive mood that triggers my SI. It's such a roller coaster lately I try to reassure myself that "this too shall pass".

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@NovemberStar, does the SI seem like it is intrusive to you?....as in, you don't want to think about it, but it just happens...

 

[Friday]

Happy stress fills the stress cup, too, come to find. And it's sneakier. Because I enjoy the blazes out of it. So I'm less prone to trying to tamp it down.

 

[xena21]

Does anyone else experience this? (Suicidal thoughts and feelings when life is going great)?

I understand what you are talking about. I wouldn't say I was feeling "great", as you say, but I was feeling on the better side than how I had been feeling. I had a few nights where I hadn't thought about killing myself and hadn't hurt myself in an extreme way. I was just trying to get by like any "normal" person, except I never feel normal. I Had been going through the night feeling unusually ok because I always have stress at that point by numerous different things, but didn't feel that way at that point. Then it hit me...I all of a sudden couldn't go on...I felt this stress about the future and that everything was wrong. I realized that it was my same thoughts that I always get, but this time just had been delayed because something good had happened for a little while to put it off. Now I had to just pull it all together and realize that life was still the same scary place, but it was just delayed for a little while. I knew how to defend myself and I was back to my lonely place again.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks everyone. It helped to talk to my T about it. Haven't had it in a few days now thankfully.

I think its related to the PTSD - namely I began to have tiny teeny snippets of flashbacks again ... I think I'm so hyper sensitive to having flashbacks / intrusive memories that the mere HINT of them triggers suicidal ideation.

And probably a deep seated belief (in my unconscious mind) that I don't trust 'feeling good' or 'feeling ok' - BECASUE it can all be taken away in a matter of seconds. Some of my trauma this is exactly what happened - the more recent trauma of the fatal quake being a key one in the past few years. All that destruction, pain, misery, horror - in less than 20 seconds.