Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, And Police

[mytai]

Not sure where this post fits in this forum. It covers a few different topics, I apologize if this is the entirely wrong area for this.

If anyone has followed the very lengthy posts from "It Happened. Now What?" then you will know that I've gone to the hospital twice following both recent sexual assaults from my great-uncle. The second time I went I did a forensics kit at the sexual assault centre with the nurses but I chose to keep it anonymous from the police. I have up to 1 year to change my mind and give the police my name and that kit, for now it remains just a number.

I've been struggling greatly with depression and suicidal thoughts/plans, especially over the last few days. I called one of the SA nurses who knows my case, told her I was extremely suicidal, and she accompanied me to the hospital the other night. Other than the two nights after I went to the hospital with her (they gave me Ativan for sleep) I haven't slept. I'm very scared, and nightmares are keeping me from shutting my eyes.

I have been against going to the police because of past experiences. I've received a lot of mixed comments and opinions from others regarding that on here. After a lot of thinking (plenty of time since I've been up all night), and some very supportive conversations with some people on the site, I've decided that I'm going to talk about reporting again with the social worker, SA nurse, and my T. I don't think I will be reporting a lot of the recent stuff because the last time I reported the police officer on my case told me "he only likes little kids", that really hurt me in ways I can't put words to. There is also no statute of limitations in my province, my T looked into that for me, because that was also something an officer said to me (that it was too late to report).

I know I cannot do this on my own again, I need a lot of support to even stand in front of a police officer. I will be talking about this with everyone I have available to me for support. The social worker I started seeing, my T, and the SA nurses who I've dealt with so far. I want to try. I need someone physically there with me when I report or I won't be able to do it. I can't do this alone this time around.

Also looking for support or suggestions. I live in Ontario, Canada. If anybody is familiar with things in this province I would like to hear what you have to say.

Please take it easy on me, I'm not emotionally stable right now, I haven't slept in days again. The two nights I got was not enough to help me. I don't know if I can handle negativity or harsh comments from people right now. I really am looking for support and suggestions on how to make this easier on myself. Things to talk to with my support team regarding this. Questions I should ask, etc.

 

[RussH]

I guess my thought is this; is it possible your uncle could sexually molest anyone else? If so, then reporting him will protect you, and any other future victims from him.

Also, who are you protecting by not reporting him? if you are protecting yourself that is one thing, but if you are protecting your uncle, then he does not deserve your protection.

I would say report him. What he did is wrong, and should be punnished for his actions.

I pray that you will heal from this, and find a measure of peace. Please do not hurt yourself; your uncle is not worthi it.

 

[mytai]

@RussH I'm protecting myself by not reporting him. It made it worse in the past when reporting, it angered him, but it also made him realize that the police didn't believe me so he could continue and not get caught. He doesn't have that "luxury" with others. He has molested other family members in the past (don't know to the extent of the abuse), but they dropped the charges. No one who knows him allows him to have contact with kids because they know what he does, but the police haven't stopped him.

However I'm living in a new city, which means a new police force that doesn't have any biases at this point. Hoping that might make a difference for me.

I don't think about hurting myself for my uncle, I think about it and want to because I've reached a level that I can no longer handle. I feel like despite the support I have through my T, social worker, and SA nurses that it's not enough. It would be if I called them when I needed to, but I feel guilty for contacting them so much. I feel like I am taking resources away from others who might need it.

 

[Echo]

I think, if it were me, that I would want to know precisely what the procedure would be and whether the police or criminal prosecutors would consider there to be a realistic prospect of convicting him. I personally would not want to put myself through the obvious stress that would ensue unless these people felt he would be convicted and, therefore, out of your life physically for ever. I would also want to know what sort of jail sentence he would get if they think he would be convicted, and whether "good behaviour" on his part would get him let out early.

I would also want to know what would be expected of me in any criminal proceedings. Whether the evidence they had already taken from me was enough, or whether I would have to prove anything else.

I think I would want to know exactly what kind of support I would be entitled to at every stage in the process.

I think, mytai, you deserve all resources available to keep yourself safe from this man, now and into the future. I would hope this for all victims of such horrible crimes.

In other words, I would want a cast iron plan, which would give me sense of strength and support and offer me the feeling that it was just a matter of time, and then it was done.

I have no idea whether any of this is realistic in Canada. You deserve to be held aloft at every step of the way. I hope you get to free yourself of him for all time.

 

[Abstract]

Please don't worry about anyone else Mytai. At present you need to think of you and only you. You have way more than enough on your plate already. I think you are very courageous to start discussing this and especially since you have been so badly treated by the police before. Well done.

New police force and more support should make alll of the difference this time.

 

[Muzikluvr]

If I were going to report, I would contact a rape crisis center, or A Better Way, or seek out a Rape Support Group first. I would tell my story, get to know those people. Hopefully, some of them have connections or real world experience and can help you understand your rights, and what to expect. But, mostly, I would be going for the extra support. As you said, what you have isn't enough.

But, I will tell you this. If I could go back in time and report even one of the rapes, I would do it. There are certain ones I would choose over others, because... our society is so cruel toward rape victims sometimes... and certain rapes, I'm less ashamed of if you can understand what I mean. But, I would report it now... now that I know that it will never stop until I'm willing to stand up for myself and look the rapist and all his enablers in the eye and tell them they can't hurt me in the shadows anymore. I will tell all their shameful little secrets, and any media or family member who tries to make that shame mine, will have the spotlight pointed at them as well... THEY are Part of the problem!

My point is, the abuse stops when you're willing to take a stand against it. Your behavior will change with that new attitude. You won't go places you know enablers will be, because enablers attract abusers and then throw you under the bus... especially at family reunions. It's not like "not going clubbing" so you don't get raped, it's like... "not visiting family" because you might get raped. THAT'S what this world has come to.

Er... I might be a little upset by the subject matter. And... I think writing to you, I've figured out my next step. Find a rape support group and tell my story in real life.

Thanks for your post. I hope mine is useful.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, Not sure if my support system will know the answers to what the procedure is, but they may because of the field they are in. Especially the SA nurses and the social worker through the sexual assault centre. I would want to know too if there was even a fighting chance. I think some of the answer might have to come from the police, but I think I remember my T saying she had a friend in the police force in my city, and maybe she can ask them some of these questions for me.

I don't know what this all entails, so knowing ahead of time is very important to me. Something I wouldn't have thought about.

 

[ill]

mytai, you need those resources. They're there for you; you are allowed and deserve to use them. If you need more support than you're asking for, please ask for more.

One possibility is meeting with a detective and talking about both the previous and current assaults without giving identifying details such as a name, his location, or his relationship to you. This gives you some control. Once you give identifying details, the investigation and possible prosecution is out of your hands. If you meet with a police officer and detail the assaults without giving identifying information, you can find out how likely a successful prosecution would be, what would be required of you, and you can decide from there if you want to proceed. This is what I did a few years ago and I am also in Ontario.

Is your social worker through the CMHA? If so, I think s/he would absolutely be able to go with you to the police station (or I do think it might be possible to meet elsewhere, possibly at the CMHA). You can also request a female detective if that would make you more comfortable. Mine was plainclothes, which made me feel a little less conspicuous, but fair warning, even female detectives who specialize in sexual assault crimes can stay stupid, stupid things.

 

[Echo]

In the UK, the public prosecutor ultimately decides which cases to take forward and which will not succeed in court. Most lawyers will have a good idea of the criteria for success. I think your idea of going via your therapist's friend is a good one; anything that puts your mind at rest that you are not doing this only to be disappointed or putting yourself at greater risk from your great-uncle's revenge is good.

I hope your rape kit produced good evidence; if they haven't told you yet what the results were, perhaps you can find out whether those results and your wound, alongside the reports you've made before, as well as those other people have made, are enough.

I would also want to know somehow how it has been possible for the police force local to where your uncle lives to ignore all this. It is a national scandal. If there is a paedophile ring in operation, for instance, and this is known and not yet investigated, then you may not do too well against their power, and may need to wait until the ring is outed. We have a lot of this in the UK at present. I don't say this to frighten or dissuade you from acting, but as you say, you need professional advice.

 

[Abstract]

One thing that may help you is to realise the feelings of unworthiness are from trauma. Accept they will come up but you don't have to change your actions for them. It will take time and therapy to feel worthy but in the mean time you can act as if and take the resources you are being offered and need. Let others be adults and in charge of themselves. It's up to them to say if something isn't available. If they say it is then there is no problem accepting.

 

[mytai]

@Muzikluvr, I've contacted a rape crisis line in my city and they were actually very judgemental. However the SA nurses and social worker are apart of a local Sexual Assault Treatment Centre. I don't think I'm ready for a group setting yet though. I do have enough support, it's just that I feel guilty for using it too much. I can call the SA nurses after hours if I need it.

@ill The one who said stupid, stupid things in the past was a female detective.

@Echo I don't know if they've ignored it or what. I don't want to make accusations without any knowledge behind it.

@Abstract, Thank you, I needed to hear that. I forget that others can tell me no, they aren't able to offer support and I worry they are putting up with me and I'm abusing resources. I have to trust them to tell me if I need to use different resources.

 

[franciemarnie]

Whatever you do, only do what you are ready to do when you are ready. Take care of number one - you. Protect yourself always - whatever that entails. Sometimes taking care of ourselves involves risk. Only you know where and when.