Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, And Police

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling bad about the way things are at work and the effect this is having on you at the moment. I think it is amazing that you are doing so well at your job despite all the difficulties and really feel that it is important that you remember and take hold of that too.

What you have said is the that "right now" you are not able to be more reliable than you are. This I believe is also very important to take hold of. You at going through so much at the moment, but doing so much to get through and overcome it all, and I really believe that though right now it is so hard, you are going to come through this with a new setength and determination and in the long run I really believe this will help you so much and you will get past this stage and really have so much more which you can give to your work and everything else.

I still really believe you are doing so well to be able to still be amazing at your job despite everything going on, and you are also doing so well in the way you are facing and dealing with so many issues going on, and really hope you can find a peace and reassurance in that and the fact that you are going to get through this and it will make such a difference.

God bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

Hi @mytai - don't feel you must divulge what is going on for you to people at work, even if you feel under a great deal of pressure. Have a word with your therapist and support worker and see if there is anything they can do to help you with meds perhaps, in order to stabilise yourself some more. Maybe this is a sign that you are not yet ready to go ahead with the legal stuff. Have a talk with them to find out what can be done to help you deal with your own health first and foremost and then what they can do to help you at least go to work most of the time. Perhaps you can arrange to do slightly fewer hours but regularly, or by increments get back to your normal hours.

I think you just need to show your boss that you are wanting to get back to normal and give him some idea of when that might be. He has told you about this promotion because he wants you to have it. If he had given up on you, he would not have told you.

See if you can make a plan that takes in account how much time you need for yourself but offers your workplace some kind of regularity from you. Perhaps you can say to your boss, I have to attend to my health just now, but I am working towards xxx by zzz. You can rely on me to have the interests of the company at the forefront of my mind and plans.

Everyone gets ill at some point in their lives. Your boss will have known other people who have. I am pretty sure from how you present yourself here, even in your darkest moments, that you know how to express yourself professionally and that you can reassure him.

Please just take some of the pressure off yourself. Do you know when the promotion might be going to happen? Can you work that into your schedule for a full return to work?

Then when you are feeling more stable emotionally, work is manageable, you have your promotion and are settled in the new job, and only then you can think about doing the legal stuff.

This is just a suggestion, and your support worker and therapist may help you to see other options. It is just about giving your boss the appearance of being committed whilst giving yourself enough time to heal. From what you've said, he has a high opinion of you, and if he sees you deal with this professionally too, he will retain that high opinion.

 

[ms spock]

I'm so stressed out now. I can't lose this promotion. I also can't share what is going on in my personal life either.

Back to basics - job, self care, pacing yourself, you don't have to deal with all your trauma at once.

 

[mytai]

This last assault has really messed me up. Not to say that they all haven't done some form of damage, but this last one really screwed with me more than ever before. If I didn't have any pets I would probably allow myself to be admitted for longer than a night.

I have a busy next two days. Tomorrow is an appointment with the social worker, and then a few hours later with the psychiatrist's assistant. Friday is the appointment with my T.

I have managed to entirely forget what has happened to me over the last two assaults. I know it happened because the physical feeling is there, it comes back and hits me like a brick wall, but the actual memory is gone. I see the burn everyday, feel the pain it causes everyday but no memory associated with it other than pain.

I will definitely be mentioning that to my T on Friday. Don't know about the social worker, but definitely NOT the P.Doc.

 

[HelenB]

I'm not surprised that as you are working through things that it has been harder with the assault and though I imagine this must be so hard, do believe in the long run it is a good step, as I suspect it is likely that you are much more in a position to realise that the things which happened really are not acceptable and not what you deserve, and though in the short term it is so hard, believe that being able to work through it and coming to terms more with this will ultimately bring you the freedom you so deserve.

I am also not surprised that you do not remember all the details, and think this is a normal way of coping and dealing with things, and as long as you are still allowing yourself to realise that what happened was not acceptable at all - that is the only thing which is important, and when you are safe and in a safe place, believe everything which does need to come up will, and am so glad you have a therapist who you do really trust to help you explore and deal with all these emotions.

I hope your appointments go ok and that you are honest as you can be and that you can truly find safety within it and know that these people really are here to help you. I still believe you are doing so well and am praying peace and safety for you.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

@HelenB, I'm not normally up at this hour, it's 4:30am here, but I had a nightmare again (at least it's sleep right?). This assault just seems particularly hard compared to the past. I've never been this bad before.

The thing I'm having trouble with, is that I know I knew what happened for the most part before, and remembered. It is only as of the last few days that it is completely gone. I know I have talked about some of the details with my T and the nurses, but now it is gone. Not fragments, just nothing, except body memories, those are hitting me frequently throughout my day.

Only a few hours until my first appointment of the day. Hopefully I can fall back asleep for a bit longer. Nervous for both appointments today. This is the first real appointment with the social worker, the one a few weeks ago was a short, get to know you appointment, and the psych appointment is because they released me early from the hospital.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I should imagine that you are suffering short-term amnesia or dissociating or something like that, probably because it is all too much for your mind to cope with at once. It'll come back as and when it needs to. I find this happens with the worst stuff and even horrible memories that emerge. They hit me like a ton of bricks and then I forget them again. I have to work really hard to recall them and often can't. All of this is a symptom in its own right, I think.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, Thanks. Glad to know I'm not alone in this memory thing. I haven't had it happen this way before... at least not that I remember, it could have possibly been this way when I was a kid. I've usually just completely blocked the memory from the get go, or I've remembered. Not remembered and then completely lost it. I'm sure I have it written down somewhere, maybe even on here, but I don't want to read about it. The body memories are bad enough. I have a hard time reading stuff I've written if I don't remember it, it makes me feel more detached from my body then I already do.

 

[Echo]

Hi, @mytai, maybe we have to trust that our bodies know what is best for us. I guess they are trying to protect us from too much overload. You did write quite a lot here, but like you say, it doesn't help to read it back at the height of these things. I'm sure your therapist will be able to guide you. My therapist talks about me being like a pressure cooker, and that it would be dangerous to let all the steam out at once. She aims to gradually let little bits of steam escape in a controlled manner until it is safe to take the lid off. I found this image very helpful; it is certainly how I feel. Like I'm trying to keep the lid on a volcano with the flimsiest of gauzes.

I hope things are better for you at work.

 

[macca]

You'll remember when your psyche feels you can cope with it. At least, that's what I've been told! There is already a record of what you told the hospital etc, so it isn't imperative that you remember right now. You have enough to cope with already! Hope your appointments go well today.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear about your nightmare. I hope you did manage to get some peaceful sleep after you had written on here.

I agree with @Echo about the reasons you are likely to be experiencing this. I think our bodies and minds do what they can to protect us and know my therapist talked to me about how it is totally normal to be able to remember and believe things and then go back into a state of not remembering and connecting to it, and think that is an important way for us to continue to protect ourselves as we do open up more and find the safety to work through these things. I know one of the first things which I remembered after I had shut it out was an experience I had with my mum when I was a child. I did not remember it for years until I had a dream and knew it was true, but after I remembered it I also remembered that after the experience I had also written down the things which had happened and therefore must have remembered and in some way processed it before I could not deal with it and then shut it out. It is interesting because the book I wrote it down in disappeared and even though I know logically that my mum would never have kept anything like that, I could not help really hoping to be able to find it when we cleared her house out after she had died to reflect on it. Again I do agree though that when we do need to remember things and when we really are in a safe enough place to deal with them, we will remember and really like the analogy of a pressure cooker and the way we are able to do this, and again am so glad that you do have the safety of your therapist to help you as you journey through this.

I am guessing it is around 8am there as it is nearly 1pm here, so assume you will be going to your appointments soon and am praying for peace for you and hope they go well.

God Bless
Helen x