Suicidal Thoughts, Don't Know What To Do.

[mamachick]

Bimble-I read your initial post and not all the responses as I do not have time right now. How your manager acted brought about a thought to me that I find disgusting. I do not know if his intent was this deliberate or if he unknowingly left you this way for the weekend. Im sure you have a better idea of his intent.

He feels that you cheated him out of a half hour and you will pay it back through hours of suffering over the weekend. If that is deliberate, as it sounds it may have been, that is inexcusable. That is malicious. It is extremely poor management style.

My husband (have been seperated many years without divorce) works at a local hospital in US for over 30 years. I use to work there 30 yrs ago and still know many employees who are still there. I was hospitalized on psych a couple of years ago. Confidentiality has been broke many times. I have had things said to me. When I have to go for a test, I have been treated much differently. I know it, but proving would be difficult. It would drag others in. In the end, it could jeopardize his job. This is very wrong.

 

[Bimble]

Hi brat17. I was shocked when I was sat in the meeting and all of the patient names came up on the screen, literally hundreds. When the team who is currently treating me was flicked to, there I was (amongst others of course)! To me it was as if my name was there in flashing lights...I could not believe it. I wanted to say something, but to say something would mean having to explain about me being treated in a mental health team, which I didn't really want everyone sitting in the room to know!

I bought it up with my manager at the time, and he said he would ensure the details were removed for forthcoming meetings...talk about shutting the gate after the horse has bolted!

A similar incident happened earlier on in the year when a colleague was doing analysis on the system and found me through a unique client ID which, at the time was complete fluke, but made me realise that I am probably going to 'pop up' at certain times during their analysis which again, makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

 

[mamachick]

That is terrible. I am very sorry for your having to go through this.
I was assaulted by a cop, which led to my hospitalization. One staff made fun of my "allegations". I put up with that-mostly just unable to speak. Then a nurse told me that she gave my information to a "sister" hospital where I worked. I did not work there and nobody had reason to seek such information.

Cant beat the system here-I know that. Meanwhile, just stuck here.
Hang in there. It is none of their business. We should not have to feel shame. This insensativity needs addressed

 

[Bimble]

Arrrgghh - had a terrible day yesterday. Was forced to exit a meeting due to my flashbacks coming thick and fast and creating massive feelings of anxiety, with some distressing thoughts and feelings all wrapped into the offering. Really, really, REALLY awful. Just can't cope with them.

Had a better night last night, which helped in the morning, but then since about 1.30pm today it's just been non-stop. Having to get up and go for walks whilst in the middle of doing reports at work and it's just so disruptive to my day.

I've been asked to log my workload by my manger to ensure it's not too much, but he completely misses the point. It's not work which creates and continues these flashbacks - they just come, totally umprompted. I keep a strict diary of my health and a bad day follows a bad night, which I get plenty of at the moment, yet my manager seems to think it could be work related.

Arrggghhh, if only it were that simple...eliminate work and you're back to feeling just fine and dandy!

We had the stairs here being repaired the other day, which bought on a massive flashback and series of panic attacks, which followed through into the night and the next day. People, my colleagues, know what happened to me, always ask how I am (nice to know they care but continually reinforces what happened in my head) and I am totally paranoid about people knowing my personal business.

If only it were as simply as to remove work from the equation and all is left OK...I know stress at work can compound the issue, don't get me wrong, but I can feel like this at home too - there's no real rhyme or reason as to why it brings on these massive surges of anxiety and flashbacks, but when they come, it's just so awful.

I feel a prisoner, trapped inside my own head and just can't escape from it.

 

[Girl3]

Lord knows I am not an expert in flashbacks other than having them - but I will say this: it is like a Black Diamond slope - if I were a surfer I'd compare it to riding a huge wave - ride it, ski it, breathe it, breathe, breathe, breathe - and you will survive it.

Not too long ago I had to take care of one of my rapists (I'm 51, the rape happened in 1974, but the guy is from my hometown and I KNOW HIM) - and I called my psychiatrist to let him know, I went into autopilot "this is how I take care of a patient" mode and breathed deep, alot, repeatedly.

That was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

Standing up to your panic is not the same as shoving it under the rug. The lion is not going to eat you, you are allowed to feel scared. Scared is a survival mechanism. Facing it down no matter how panicked you feel - even if you need help doing it by calling your therapist or someone close to you - face it down, survive, kick it in the pants - you are more than your fears.

Hugs to you and be well.

 

[maddog]

So sorry this is so tough right now Bimble. I understand this place, flashbacks and other intrusive symptoms at work are so difficult to manage, so public, so confronting... I know that for me, work has proven to be such a curse and yet such a blessing. Work keeps us busy, engaged, purposeful, surrounded by social contacts (who are hopefully positive and supportive) and in a routine, all of which are mostly healthy.

But it also causes us to confront and to have others confront both the PTSD and everything that it does to us, and that's hard.

Only you know whether the stress and pressure are ultimately more healthy than they are problematic for you. Chances are that work is both at times, the trick is to figure out which way the balance is ultimately tipping.

If you feel that work is better than not working, try to say so to your manager, in as simple terms as possible, including the reminder that these symptoms aren't workplace specific and would occur no matter where you were. On the contrary, work is a positive productive distraction and you appreciate the flexibility that is being shown to you, etc etc etc.

To the extent that we can, being honest with our management, at least with one safe person, is really important. Mostly others do want to help and support, they often just don't know how, and while it seems an extra huge burden to have to try to help them figure it out, it is ultimately in our best interests to do so.

I do hope the flashbacks settle for you soon, it's awful the way they come in waves and phases you feel will never end.

Wishing you strength today.

Maddog

 

[Bimble]

Thanks so much girl3 and maddog, and everyone else who's given me their advice and experiences.

I think what makes it so hard for me at work, is the fact I work in a mental health trust, analysing the business of adult mental health. I often have to produce reports, as I have just done, for senior managers detailing caseloads, referrals etc. and I end up producing reports where my name is included as one of those open referrals...I can't seem to escape the fact I have a mental health condition, cos everyday there's some bloody report where my name is listed as a client.

It is only a name, along with the team and no other 'identifiable' details, but these reports get sent to managers and other members of staff who use them to make business decisions throughout the Trust. It makes me so paranoid that people talk about me, cos they see my name, or it makes them wonder what's up with him...I know I should place more trust in the staff here, but I can't help feeling so paranoid but also anxious when I see my name cos it reinforces the fact I still have this condition.

It's like the time some of these reports were presented to a wide variety of audiences and I was there to see my name crop up in a list which was being shown to a management crowd...god I felt so anxious and wanted to just crawl under the table and get away from everyone.

I feel I'm going mad. My immedaite colleagues are kind and ask me on a daily basis how things are going, but sometimes I just want to be left alone and get on with my life. I am so paranoid as well that people who have access to the the care records database in my department, could look at my record and see everything going on in my medical history. Stupid I know, but I even have visions of my manager looking at reading it and laughing out loud to himself.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, Bimble, this seems utterly appalling and inconceivable to me. I cannot comprehend how such blatant breachs of privacy are allowed to occur in relation to *anyone* at all... yes, I am quite speechless.

I can barely imagine the awkwardness and stress that must place you under. You are incredibly resilient for continuing to work with such diligence under those conditions.

I assume that this practice is sanctioned somehow and so cannot really comment other than to say that I feel for you really deeply and wish there was some way you could work somewhere else where this situation could not occur.

Wishing you peace.

Maddog

 

[Girl3]

As a doctor I see it as a major HIPAA violation. I fail to see how any business decisions require the names of patients. If a company needs to know how many diabetics it cares for and of those how many have type 2 or type 1 and how many have neuropathy - I could see how that information might be relevant. But there is no reason for anyone other than the treatment team to know that Bob Smith has type 1 diabetes and Jane Jones has type 2.

Maybe in other countries it's different, but i do not think it is ethical for any patient's name to be disclosed except as a component of treatment.

Many people are obtuse - your boss sounds absolutely dim.

So sorry for your troubles - hoping you begin to feel stronger and better.

 

[Bimble]

I have raised it before with my manager, and had conversations with occupational health about how I can't escape my health issues even at work when I am constantly reminded of me being treated in one of our teams, then it being reinforced when I see my name as part of a report produced.

It's like I am trapped with constant reminders if why I have these issues I.e. the stairs and building where it happened, the constant daily analysis of the business I am in I.e. adult mental health, and my colleagues and staff all asking how I am - don't get me wrong, I appreciate the care and concern but I am constantly being reminded of the situation. There us just no escape.

 

[Girl3]

I admire your stones for bringing this up with your manager. The problem with insight though, is that the very people who need it, have none. It sounds as if your boss has zero insight.

Is your manager obese, bald, or have some other problem that you could say "Listen Bob, my PTSD is like your being bald: you know you have it, you're doing your daily best to deal with it, some days it gets to you and other days you barely notice it yourself - but you don't want everyone pointing at you daily and saying 'Hey Bob, how's it going today with being bald?"

I'm not advocating making fun of anyone mind you. I have just found over the years that creating an absurd analogy helps people who lack insight to see better.

For that matter, maybe at an office meeting you could discuss such an analogy and everyone you work with might "see" a little better.

I may be wrong...

 

[Helliepig]

I know people have already said so, but I thought I'd just add my voice to the confidentiality thing - having patient identifying details available to managers is 100% against the law - common law of confientiality, data protection act 1998, NHS rules for confidentiality. In your NHS set up there should be a "Calidicott Guardian" who's job it is to uphold the principles that personal data is properly handled and never given out or used for a purpose other than the clincal care of the patient and even then within strict rules. You could complain to him or her. Having anyone but the treating clinicians seeing patient names is completely unacceptable. Even our staff looking up their own computer records at work is a disciplinary offence as they have to go through the correct rules to see their own data!!

I'm an NHS doctor and the equivalent of caldicott guardian for our practice and I cannot imagine how someone has been allowed to do this.
Organisations get fined a lot of money for breaches like this, and rightly so. Someone has been very slack.