Suicidal Thoughts, Don't Know What To Do.

[cherryblossom]

I agree with Rain.

You have exposed yourself to a stressor, and I think your reaction is probably completely 'normal' for your circumstances. Definitely discuss this with your therapist, I'm sure they will be able to assist you. Sometimes you have to take things more slowly, if facing it 'head on' is too much for you. I see that you don't have much time, since you are due back at work next week, but you may need to take a more gradual approach. Your hard work, isn't undone. It sounds like you have made great progress, so don't give up ;)

You may find this article beneficial. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/exposure-therapy/[/DLMURL]

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((HUGS)))

You sure have alot of things going on at one time. You are coping and managing things the best you can with what you have to deal with. I am glad you have help and support even minimal support is better than none.

I don't have any words of wisdom except this stuff will evolve and you will get some answers one way or another. It sounds like you need to be in a more supportive and healthy work environment. I am sorry it is distressing you so much. It sounds like it is snowballing. You are not being paranoid, you sound like you are being hypervigilant. And all the baggage that goes along with that. it is so easy to suggest solutions when one does'nt know much about the problem.

You need a break and some help and support and some v alidation. It is ongoing. I'm sorry you are going thru that. I am glad you are writing and making some positive lists. I am glad you have your pre cious children. They are resiliant. They know that you love them. YOu sound like a very caring person. It is shameful how you were treated. The confidentially aspect is a hugh trigger. I would avoid speculation and assumptions.

My heart goes out to you. Please take gentle care of you. As you work thru these things i hope you get some peace of mind and a lessening of symptoms. One way or another this period will pass and you will eventually feel better. Mabe you will find your way soon. I hope so for your sake.

You are special and a person of worth, and you deserve respect.

 

[Bimble]

Thank you so much for all your advice. Having spoken with my therapist he was unsure as to what a normal reaction would / should be in this case, as he has only dealt with people suffering ptsd who don't ever return to the scene of the accident or incident i.e. soldiers. So he wasn't completely sure what my normal reaction should be.

He felt it was normal, due to exposure to the stairs but it has since filled me with such dread and fear, with the flashbacks coming back with quite some vengeance. I will try it again when I return to work next week, but this 'taster' I had was pretty full on and it scares me to death that I will be in the same bad place I was before my emdr. I feel I have made such good progress in recent weeks I am not prepared to let anything reverse this feeling.

Thank you again so much for your support and advice. It gives me so much strength.

 

[mamachick]

I dont know about other places, but unfortunately here in the US, it is not breaking confidentiality or HIPPA regulations. If I go to an in patient facility, my insurance company is going to have access to those records and that is done by their employees. If I work at the insurance agency as well, the employees will recognize my record when they come across. It does seem to me, that for the purpose of employees of such an organization, they could assign a number and remove the persons name when dealing with these records.

I think of this as the secondary aabuse that goes on. Your traumatic information being made public. I was assaulted by a cop a few years ago. I was not taken to jail but to the hospital. This was very traumatizing as I was then taken with torn falling off pajamas to magistrate court where I once did work with clients and knew everyone. The magistrate told the officer that I was a victim and sent me home. By then, the officers give the newspaper the names and there is a short arrest record published. If being assaulted in the middle of the night because I insisted my boyfriend leave my home is not traumatizing, the after effects were.

It is like a secondary trauma. It is wrong. There should be laws against this to protect you from this ongoing. I would ask your employer to remove your name or replace it with Jane Doe.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Brat, that was awful :(
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) for you, always
xoxox

 

[Bimble]

Hi guys. I am back to work tomorrow and the sleepless nights because of flashbacks have returned with a vengeance, along with everything else. The images of the staircase where I had my fall, the building itself, have all returned to haunt me again.

I have spent the past week feeling so much better, I even had two or three solid night sleeps which just felt like a million dollars. I spoke to my psychiatrist last week who wasn't sure how I would feel when I returned to work, as he only really dealt with people who did not ever return to the scene of the trauma i.e. servicemen / women etc. So, I drove past the other day and WHOOSH, the feeling of suddenly being engulfed by a wave of emotions hit me and stunned me. I had to pull the car up to a stop as I was experiencing such strong images of the accident again.

After making such good progress with the EMDR over recent weeks it's like they haven't gone, they were just hiding, ready to pounce again and hell did they pounce. Last night was hell. I couldn't sleep, when I dozed off lightly I was instantly greeted with am image and feeling of my head hitting the wall over and over again.

Just what can I do to stop it, I am losing all faith in myself, my ability to cope with this and everything in my life has again become harder to deal with. I feel angry, but then go to the other extreme instantly and start feeling upset, I think about my kids all the time and what ask myself how can I be a good dad when I feel like this.

These feelings had been pushed to the back of my mind during the EMDR sessions and I felt really good. So I am dreading tomorrow as I have to obviously enter the buildings and face the stairs again after weeks of feeling safe. I guess it's kill or cure for me - it might be just what I need I suppose, but it scares the hell out of me that I will revert back to how I was before my EMDR and become a total mess, with such negative and suicidal thoughts again - my kids being the only thing stopping me doing anything stupid like that.

No-one at work has been in touch. The last time I spoke to my occupational health lady was just as I went off sick again. She told me he would be in touch at the beginning of the week to see how things were but I haven't heard from her. I feel totally on my own.

Plus, I've got to deal with seeing my name on all the reports I produce again, reinforcing the fact I have a mental health problem, something I have almost forgotten about during these 3 weeks.

What the hell can I do, how am I going to cope. Just feel like I'm going to drop in a heap on the floor cos it's getting too much again. I can't go through all that again, I just can't.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry you are feeling so much fear. Projection can cause me all sorts of panic even before I ever leave my home.:(

I'm a little confused as to why your Psychiatrist would not know how to help you. I understand that the circumstances might be different but the symptoms are the same as are the coping methods. Perhaps you may need to consider finding another Trauma Therapist to help you through the exposure process, it can be done.

In the meantime there are threads on this site on how to deal with anxiety, flashbacks, and staying present. A lot of well informed people have posted these and I have found them quite useful. I suggest doing a search and practicing them.

Bimble, don't let the fear of what you experienced with the flashback last time dictate your next experience. It may or may not happen again, flashbacks are like that, they don't always happen on cue. Keep a safe person's phone number with you, take a journal to write out your thoughts and feelings, and remember that you are NOT alone. I understand you are very upset, I'm so sorry.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

If you're worried about being a good dad, you likely are a 'good' one already.
((((((Hugs)))))))

 

[Bimble]

Well, I've just had enough of this shitty hell. Totally, totally had enough now. From feeling good last week, to how I am feeling now feels almost surreal, like I'm in a nightmare again. How can I go from being ok, to this??*?**

Friday night, can't sleep, when I fell asleep after taking edge off of it with nightcap I was up at 3 with horrific flashback, completely terrorising me. Thought I was going to die, heart racing so fast. Had no sleep in end.

Saturday, feeling numb all day, in daze. Not able to focus, concentrate on anything. Horrible to my partner and no patience with kids. Felt disgusted with myself and just wanted to run away and hide. Had distressing suicidal thoughts too in evening.

Saturday night hideous. Worst night ever since accident. Just wanted to go out somewhere to escape. Sat in lounge and cried through to early morning. Complete wreck on Sunday. Could not function at all.

Now. Don't even want to go to bed. Can't escape feeling even when awake though, but night is like the worst.

I felt so happy last week before I went back to work, where my accident happened. The buildings seemed sinister and menacing, the smells, light, sounds, people, even the mental health reports I produce just bought it all back. Hoped it was just a blip but this weekend just proved it to me. I feel physically and mentally wrecked.

How can I go from feeling good, energetic, alive and thinking of the future, to this????? How can I cope tomorrow? Help.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Bimble)))
The days pick us we don't pick the days. Hang onto the good it was real. This is a set back. It will run its course. You will feel good again. It is like a wave. When tossed in the waves of it, it is confusing and we can't focus very good. but the wave eventually stops and we have a measure of good again.

One day at a time. It is hard when you get one day of feeling good and others are so rotton. But it will pass as you face and deal. Keep on writing and getting it out of you. You are enough and you already survived it. Now you are dealing with the aftermath. It has a beg. a middle and a end. I do not know where you are in your process, but you don' have to repeat the bad days. once over you never have to experience them again.

The confusion will go away. You will gain insights and grow stronger. I do not know if this helps or hurts. I am not trying to hurt you. YOu will get through this and come out stronger. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

 

[Bimble]

Thanks Gizmo. Yesterday was told at work I'm on a stage one formal interview for my time off work. It doesn't rain, just pours in my life at the moment. Crazy thing is, this has compounded things even further for me, last night I had no sleep, was contemplating how free I would feel if my life finished right now.

Basically, I'm stuffed at work. This formal meeting, which can lead on to a dismissal, has compounded all of my symptoms and made it simply impossible to climb out of this hell now.

I'm on a way one way ticket.

 

[Bimble]

Can I ask for your advice? My Manager and I have been having regular meetings at work to review my current health and state of mind at the moment. The meetings are just me and him.

This morning, I came into work just before 8am. Two of my colleagues were already there. My Manager doesn't normally come in until 9.30am.

I noticed his note book on his desk, open with notes taken about me during these meetings. Whether my colleagues noticed this I do not know, but I spoke to the Senior Manager who said it shouldn't be there and to shut it. Didn't really show any concern - just told me to shut it, 'it shouldn't be there'.

I was going to shut it anyway and put it away in the drawer, but felt uncomfortable touching his stuff in front of other colleagues without them knowing what I was doing. So I went bakc into the office, shut it and put it in his drawer.

Am I going nut, or is this a complete betrayal of trust on his part??? It's no different to a doctor leaving his medical notes out for all to see is it? I have these meetings with him in good faith and on the presumption none of this will go further than the office we are having the meeting in. Then this happens - just open on his desk - I could not believe it!!!

Are there any people out there who can give me some advice on this, as I feel this should not have happened and I feel VERY awkward now.