Suicidal Timeframes

[triptych]

Does anyone else come up with life events/timeframes that they say they have to wait to go though before they can kill themselves?

I recently finished up a programme that brought me a lot of joy and have entered a new stage of my life and the urge to end it is just so strong, it just feels like this was my goal all along and I don’t know what else to do.

I remember having a similar experience turning 18 and not knowing how to picture my life because I’d always said “I’m waiting till I turn 18 before I can kill myself” in my head and once it happened there was nothing to stop me.

 

[arfie]

my suicide attempts have all sprung from catatonic dissociation where i'm not sure by brain was even working, but i've done this allot with expectations. when i am 18, i will _____. when i am 21 i can ______. when i am 30 i will ______. in my case, i believe i was attempting to run to the future. my past and present were horrible. the only place left for me to run was to the future.

dunno if it fits your scenario or not, but i thought i'd throw it out there.

steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[Sideways]

Does anyone else come up with life events/timeframes that they say they have to wait to go though before they can kill themselves?

Absolutely. And I lean into it.

Depression is a powerful thing - our brain becomes unable to think certain things, experience certain things (like joy, hope). When it is able to come up with a reason to hang on (goals, family, anything), hang on to that. It can be the thing that gets you through the episode.

have entered a new stage of my life

So, time for new goals?

What has value to you? What are things that have meaning? They often inspire the best goals.

I remember having a similar experience turning 18 and not knowing how to picture my life because I’d always said “I’m waiting till I turn 18 before I can kill myself” in my head and once it happened there was nothing to stop me.

This may feel pretty defeating - like, “and here I am again”.

But with episodic conditions like ptsd and depression it can be incredibly helpful. You’ve been here before and recognise not just the experience, but also what helped you get to the other side of it the last time.

You’ve have all the skills and experience you had then, this time round. Plus everything you’ve learned in between. You can do this recovery thing, more effectively for your personal lived experience, board.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I’ve only had one attempt and that was my senior year of high school. I had thoughts of suicide pretty regularly up until then and my senior year, I had absolutely no will left to continue living. I started to do internet searches on various ways people have killed themselves. I even asked questions about suicide on a forum for teens with depression but carefully worded my questions so it wouldn’t be so obvious as to what I was planning. After I failed to pull it off in class as an attempt to get someone to notice that something was horribly wrong with me, I just bottled it up and didn’t tell anyone about my suicide attempt for ten years. No one had any idea because I masked it so well. I even managed to kept it a complete secret from my abuser who always claimed that she “knew everything” about me and I knew that she didn’t know about this.

 

[Sues]

come up with a reason to hang on (goals, family, anything), hang on to that. It can be the thing that gets you through the episode

Yes. This exactly. This is what I do to make it through what I call the rough times. I also bury it in my head. I have a lot of experience with burying all of the bad stuff. It's been a go to coping mechanism for a very long time. It doesn't work well, but it gets me through some stuff for a little while.

 

[NotOkay]

Not exactly a timeframe, but I believe the only thing stopping me is my husband. I couldn't bear to leave him alone. I have often thought that if he wasn't here then I would be free to end it all. I have CPTSD from childhood emotional and verbal abuse. First suicide attempt at 16 years old. I also experienced bullying in my last job which has left me wanting to stay away from everyone and to ending it all because I cannot cope with 'people'. It was only my husband that made any difference to me. However, both my husband and I are looking after his elderly mother who sadly has dementia and there is a lot of pressure on both of us. (My husband works but mainly from home). I am not working due to my diagnosis and extreme anxiety. The anxiety is sometimes made worse by my mother in laws 'bad' days. Yesterday my husband said something to me that was extremely hurtful, something about me being a bag lady and he is embarrassed to be seen with me in public because my current winter coat has seen better days. He was very angry. It is criticism that triggers me especially unfair criticism. Since then I feel I don't even have the support of my husband anymore. Overreacting? Probably, but I just feel crushed. The thought of wanting not to be here is stronger than it has been for a long time.