Suicide Consumes My Thoughts

[ssw]

I am quite aware it's not normal.

But it's all I've known.

Recently I'm struggling with it heavily. I don't want I go out and make friends or meet people.
I don't want to draw or write or do anything creative.

I don't want to be anything. I don't want to be here.
The only thing I know is trying to be a good person. And I'm glad everyone else likes me and I give them hope

But no ones given me hope.
No ones been there for me, forever, but me.

I'm a dark, bitter individual.
I don't feel I can love. And if I live my life alone, I mean really what's the point?


I'm hoping for an answer. But I'm not sure it's out there.
I haven't succeeded because of how everyone around me and how they would feel


But what about how I feel? I don't really want to die. But I've never seen a point. And I'm struggling daily.

 

[EveHarrington]

Same on the living life alone bit-----

What would be the point?

:(

 

[ladee]

I understand what you are saying. For many many years, no matter what was going on, how I acted on the outside, that thought was my constant companion...and I finally realized, I had no idea what hope looked like, or what it felt like. I questioned daily what was the meaning of my existence.. wasn't I just taking up space on this mud ball, just breathing air someone else needed.
I simply went thru the motions in living and in therapy... blah blah blah,,, that's what it felt like, and I thought that was all I was hearing from what ever T I was with at the time...
I would love to tell you the 'magic moment' that changed, but it seems I started to realize that I had gone a whole hour and not thought about not being here.. I'm not saying I was happy about being here yet, just that I hadn't thought about killing myself...
Because along with not knowing what hope looked like or felt like, I also didn't know what living looked like or felt like. But I was still going thru the motions of therapy... don't ask me why, because I had kids that depended on me,? and I resented them for that. But I always tried my damnedest to not let that show with them... My oldest son says he just remembers me being 'moody'... O M G !!! If he only knew.
I don't know where things changed. Wish I had a road map for you to follow, I don't. I just know I found myself smiling sometimes. Feeling the air on my skin. Tasting food. Really feeling when I hugged my kids.
It just started to change.. I started to change... so in the end, all that blah blah blah I had sat thru was working...
I absolutely understand what you are saying and feeling... can't make you any promises, it's different for everyone.. But I do know, I didn't give up.... I hated it, I hated the work, I hated to have to get vulnerable, but I did it...
So don't disappear 5 minutes before the miracle happens.... it happens... we do get out of that mindset. Sending you healing energy. And gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Friday]

What's the point of being alone? An infinitely better one than being with the wrong person or people. Also space for the right person or people, once they're met.

 

[ssw]

I get that FridayJones, but if you're alone you need another purpose and all I want is love. So I still fail to see why I should continue on.

It may get better as ladee stated, but I've been dealing with these thoughts for 11 years.
They won't go away.

Maybe there is something good out there for me
But I'm losing faith quickly because I've always struggled and have yet to see my purpose here.

 

[Tinyflame]

I too, see neither my purpose or value, but I do know feeding the SI in terms of thinking of it being an option, then a plan, then the best-case scenario, precludes (ironically) being able to stop it. In that it goes from I don't want it, to, Why would anything else be preferable/ = best choice for all? (Though I know it's not a willful choice it starts that way.) :( I'm sorry you're going through this @ssw . :(

I can only say- & perhaps it's a bit backward but does come from experience- suicide is an extremely violent act. I've find only gentleness & getting some 'breaks' in real life have helped. Because too, feeling like that, doesn't bode well for relationships either, especially when a person feels ready to crawl out of their skin. The thoughts, at a deep heart level that that's what we deserve or is the best choice, are the problem.

I will try to think more on it.

Hugs to you. :hug:

 

[ssw]

I'm aware of needing gentleness but no one cares.
They all think I'm being dramatic... But 11 years and it's still here.

Thank you for your kind words june bug. I'm still here and trying.

I have found that planning and obsessing over it keeps it at bay. I tell myself just live one or two more days and then do it
And it never happens.


It's driving my crazy.
I either want to die and be happy with that decision
Or want to be happy and live

 

[Ronin]

@ssw, they don't care, won't care, wouldn't care.

It's not your job to worry about them.
It's your job to care of yourself, you.

Give yourself the kindness they won't.
Find those who will, eventually, but start with kindness to yourself.

You know what you need, that's good signs already, so how do you go about having those needs met?
Other people aren't the only ones that can do that for you. In fact, even with the best of care, probably can't do it all. You can.

Live, then be happy.
If you die, you lose the chance of happy.
No happy with dying.
Living's needed for happy, or a chance of it, at least.

 

[ssw]

@Cashew
That was beautiful.
And perfect.

"Give yourself the kindness they won't."

That spoke volumes to me. Thank you.

 

[Sjmom]

Hi there I wanted you to know that you aren't alone and many people feel suicidal depression. I strongly believe that staying for your loved ones is why a lot of people like myself stay alive, it's so worth it to see them smile. I have been having those feelings for years. I have horrible dissociation problems and I have a hard time finishing sentences. It breaks my heart sometimes when I can tell if someone thinks I'm kind of stupid because it takes me 5 mins to finish what i was saying sometimes. I can't let stuff like that get to me. Plus I have a history of family problems and anxeity disorder as well as PTSD. Man, you are strong. Keep going. I am here to be your friend.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I hope you have family or you will make a new one, or you will add on to your own. From your picture you are young & beautiful, & probably a very beautiful soul too! Hang in there it will work out for you @ssw . :hug:

 

[ssw]

Yes I hope you have family or you will make a new one, or you will add on to your own. From your picture...

Thank you, love. :) I really appreciate that.