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Shortly all my utilities will be shut off. I think that will be my breaking point.
No help or resources... With one of your suggestions maybe SOMEHOW I can find a crisis line with qualified medical people rather than univ. students and just volunteers like we have here ( and I know more than they do).
Dear Imok,
You are a tremendous help to people, and your life has a purpose and meaning, even if the pain and self-loathing doesn't allow you to feel that. You are priceless, no matter what your emotions and brain are trying to tell you. You are your own biggest project right now - to help yourself as you would help someone else in trouble.
Good for you for thinking about calling about TMS. Excellent.
The next is to make the rounds of local churches with your utility bills in hand. You don't have to be a member, or believer. Ask to talk with the pastor, rabbi, priest or deacon about needing some help. Many churches have an unpublicized fund set aside to help people who cannot afford their utilities or food.
Usually, they try to pay the utility bills or give vouchers for food banks, grocery stores, gas stations, etc. rather than just giving cash. Not only can they help you temporarily, but directly with your living expenses, but they are usually connected into the mental health system and can help you directly if trained in counseling, or guide you to someone who can help you at reduced cost or free.
Remember, you might know more about depression and PTSD, but it doesn't hurt to receive help, support and comfort from people who care - even if they don't fully understand trauma. I spent a couple of years with my first T (recommended by a kind, caring priest), who was ultra-caring, available and kept me gently from offing myself, who didn't know a bit about PTSD. He was reading out of a PTSD book to get ideas on how to help me. I'm now with the trauma therapists I mentioned, but that first T was wonderful, life-saving, and we're still friends years later.
Please don't shrug off kindness and help, even if it doesn't look or feel like it's of any use to your stressed-out, exhausted brain.
It's easy to throw good away, to shrug off help, when it doesn't look like what you expected or is a drop in the bucket compared to your pain. (Not a healing thing to do, even if that is a familiar pattern).
Anthony is right, even if it might be a painful question. Finding some good, even if tiny and brief, is healing medicine for your brain, and soul. Things like listening to birds singing, taking a breath of flower-scented air, lying on a blanket on the grass, leaning against a tree and listening to the leaves rustle, re-reading a book you loved - even as a child, petting an animal, hugging a stuffed animal/blanket/pillow, eating a piece of fruit and noticing the flavor - all of these are momentary resets for your brain that bring temporary, yet cumulative changes, that become more permanent. It makes life easier, and eventually opens a door in the brain to feel joy.
Suicidal pain, overwhelm, fear can be eased, comforted, healed...
There is more.... there is life beyond this agony, you will be so glad in the future that you chose to fight to live today.
With my love and concern for you,
Deer
