If it helps - a therapist wouldn't go to these thoughts. I absolutely understand that these are huge fears for you - that you fear finding out they are empirically true.
ETA: I don't mean a therapist would withold these thoughts, and lie to you; I mean, their way of understanding your situation is incapable of having these thoughts. It's not how their minds work. They chose this field precisely because they believe there is always a way forward.
I've been having these thoughts all week. I'm very sorry to read you're in so much pain.
You don't have to fight this alone. More to the point, you can't fight this alone. Your T is on your side. So are we.
It's going to require a big leap.of faith - you're going to have to talk and let other people into your world.
I thought if I let people see inside my diseased mind, they would hate me. They would send me away where I couldn't do any harm to anyone else. But it turned out my T had seen it all before and didn't think my mind was even particularly diseased at all. After fighting with that awhile, I chose to believe her.
Folks here helped, too. They'd been through the same thing. You can do this, Osi. You're worth it.
For the record inpatient is unlikely to end your career unless you’re in something like military intelligence.
Many people go into the hospital for many reasons and HIPPA laws protect you the same way they are protecting my buddy at work who’s early 50’s and getting g a hip replacement next month.
That said going in patient IS scary but if it’s a good program you’ll come back out feeling better and more supported.