Suicide the ultimate avoidance

[osiris]

She knows, you know? Your friend. Means she knew, she'd do the same for you.

*offers tissues & water*

Thanks, Ro.

Her love, she always believed in me, you know? No feeling in the world like being with her.
Part of me died with her.
And now my stupid brain and stupid body are broken. And I am losing my hold on life, my career, sanity.

 

[osiris]

She would have jumped on a plane and come here to stand by me too you know?
Someone to help fight the bully enough that maybe it wouldn’t have broken my brain for good.
*sigh*

 

[somerandomguy]

She's still with you, you know. She's not making any new memories, but she is certainly with you. What do you think she'd say to you right now?

Would she tell you that you failed her and that you should beat yourself into a pulp over it?

 

[osiris]

More tears @somerandomguy. Not a good day...

She's still with you, you know. She's not making any new memories, but she is certainly with you. What do you think she'd say to you right now?

Would she tell you that you failed her and that you should beat yourself into a pulp over it?

She would make me laugh.
She would give me a hug or hold my hand if I was lucky.
But I wasn’t there at the end. I flew away and left her. I left her.

 

[somerandomguy]

Do you think she'd hold that against you?

 

[osiris]

Do you think she'd hold that against you?

No.
:unsure:
She was a better person than me.

 

[somerandomguy]

Do you think that you can notice when you're beating yourself up?

She was a better person than me.

That's a value judgment, and all it's going to do is to make you feel worse. I know you probably can't help judging yourself right now, but do you think you can try and notice when you do?

 

[osiris]

I notice. I just can’t stop.
My boss told me today to: Stop.Saying.Sorry.
But I can’t.
All these reasons I’m failing just keep stacking up....

 

[osiris]

f*ck. I am so tired of hearing me. So tired of being me.
Sorry.

 

[somerandomguy]

Maybe it's time for some CBT. If you notice when you're making a value judgment of yourself, maybe you can talk back to the thought. There are lots and lots of reasons why you're not an actual piece of shit, even if you feel like one. Can you identify some?

 

[osiris]

I try and do nice stuff for people.

 

[Ronin]

Challenge :tup:

Since you did *amazing* with the oatmeal one, more days in a row even...

Try find a few things that are amazing about you?
We'll go with three?
Or at least one, if three are too much. :ninja:

Because I don't know anyone I couldn't say even one good thing about... even among objectively terrible people, which you aren't.

//

Great minds and all :D SRG beat me to it.

See, helping people, with nice things even (aka both what they need, AND want... in ways making them happy) ain't a one thing...
It's many things. Pretty darn complex.
And the character & drives to help people? Even more good things. Solid, lifelong, good things.