Other Summer

[Mach123]

Yesterday was nice on the beach late in the afternoon and almost high water. I felt the old pain about surfing. All the things I like give me the pain of longing for them. Surfing was really bad. I'm not a great surfer but I can do it and I really loved it. I was a little scared of it too, like all the things I love.

Anyway we went for our walk and I resisted the temptation of wanting to go get my board. I also have to resist staring at the beautiful women and girls in their bathing suits, very beautiful, and a very real temptation.

My wife said I was discreet. Not that long ago. I was surprised she was so open about it. She never said anything all these years. I wanted her to be jealous and possessive of me. She never was. She wouldn't allow me the liberty. If I knew she felt like that I'd be able to leverage her with it, She'd never let me.

She's going be here soon. The weather has been nice, it's the dog days of summer. It went by so fast this year. I think the fair is next week.

 

[Mach123]

Just got a rain shower that wasn't really forecast. Everyone is having to run off the beach because it was a nice day and it's Saturday so, it was busy. I actually checked the surf because it gets a bump on the incoming tide but yesterday was the day. That's how surfing was around here always and killed me lol. We used to drive down the cape always when my kids were little but those waters are teeming with great white sharks now thanks to the tree huggers not allowing the seals to be managed (culled) properly. The surf here is too spotty and usually only holds one tide cycle if your lucky and that's during the cold weather, when it's stormy. I won't go in the cold weather anymore lol too old, too much arthritis. I don't have a good time and you need expensive wetsuits I don't have, and don't want.

I'm old enough now I'd try stand up paddle boarding if I wanted to chase it around a little more often but, if I had my way, I'd get a small sailboat instead? You get to use it more often. It's all about getting out there the season is so short.

I think I'll take my daughters to the Y. It'll be a big treat for them. I usually go alone, I've had enough of everyone sh*t and like a couple hours alone but they like swimming laps and can use the exersize and the gym will be empty because it's late Saturday afternoon. Perfect for us, less confusion.

 

[Mach123]

We walked yesterday but I wasn't into it. It was hot and uncomfortable. I have a logistical problem with swimming and walking I haven't quite worked out. The girls won't do it. They won't throw on bathing suits to walk. It's one of those screw ups, a trauma thing. Can't seem to get it quite right and it makes life uncomfortable.

I'd be happy in a bathing suit but the girls stand there looking at me when I go in the water. I know how dumb that must sound but it upsets me.

Mom (my beautiful wife) says I keep secrets and that's true but it has to do with the balance of power more than anything else meaning I hide from my wife because I allow that to go on.

But it was a little hot and I was a little too full and didn't feel like it so, we did it for exercise and all that matters with exercise is you do it.

 

[Mach123]

Very much foggy and practically cold maybe 68 degrees F wind off the water NE. We walked a little extra. A little more than three miles, hour and a half. 30 min miles roughly which is pokey but we poke along and stop to inspect the various wildlife and snap pictures.

 

[Mach123]

Sunny cool and breezy off the water again. 72 degrees F predicted high temp, which is pretty close to th 60's, which is cold lol.

Walking is helping us. We aren't "power walking" but we're not sitting in the house either. An hour and a half a day is a lot to squeeze in but it's got to get done.

There are lots of those things. Lawn needs to be cut and the bushes have to get cut back. I think I can do it once more before fall.

It looks nice a pretty little oasis in an otherwise ugly stretch of block. The neighbourhood should come back though we hope. Not come back really just go forward.

But with all that the worst of the year should be behind us and it was fine meaning, everyone is out in the street and on the stoop or porch all summer and it wasn't exactly quiet but not bad.

We walk down the beach daily through the nice part of the neighborhood. There are two apartment buildings kitty corner with us, ones a little nice the other decidedly not.

But just past those which is also across the main drag or and you head for the beach and the houses jump up quickly in value to around a million dollars US.

So we expect the whole thing to turn over eventually, probably sooner rather than later.

So we hope to walk again today but I don't mind complaining even about this nice weather. It was so muggy yesterday it was "sticky" and cool and really quite uncomfortable. I hope it's not as drippy today. : )

Everyone wants to be here in the summer.

 

[Mach123]

I'm so sick from eating junk food and unfamiliar food. I actually was careful about my diet starting after I got married because living with someone they notice things like how bad your stomach is.

Mine was bad. Adding to my feelings of low self esteem I was struggling always with gas and a host of other bodily complaints caused by food. So I was always "sick to my stomach" which added to my chronic stress and anxiety.

But we always have a hedonistic end of summer blow out. It's nothing but it became a tradition around the fair which arrives in late August. It was a little early this year,

So we go down there, a few towns over to one of the only towns left that maintain a public fair ground that sits vacant mostly the rest of the year.

My town had one. They used to have race tracks for gambling on horses and it all got real sleazy like everything in the 70s and everyone stopped going. The fair became synonymous with trashy sleazy everything so, you just didn't go anymore.

But it came back like everything through the 80s and 90s and became the domain of family's and mom's with the kids again. Ice cream and fried dough and all the stuff that was good about being a kid around here.

 

[Mach123]

The fastest summer ever! Actually, I'm getting some mileage out of August, thank goodness. We are going for a walk on the beach I'm pretty sure in a little while.

 

[Mach123]

9 days of summer. It's been great we got to the beach and walked a lot. The beach is magical when I allow myself.

I need to take radical acceptance days. Just say screw it and be happy. I was on the beach and I was like "I've been bitching about this."

I have cancer and I could make a big list of all the stuff that's wrong but that won't fix it or make me happy.

It's warm out. It's been blowing in off the water about a week. We walked over the weekend and I didn't dress properly and I froze lol. It was still fun.

I got an app that tracks the pace and speed and shows the route on a map.

I've been doing my sit-ups, it shows. : )

Hopefully it'll be a warm fall.

 

[Mach123]

September 1st. I'm not as sad as I am when August comes. It was a good month. We walked a lot, 11 times for 26 mi in the app but that's short because I forget half the time to start it, so I do it halfway.

I could figure the difference out, I only totally forgot it once and it lets you enter it in after. It keeps such a complete record, charts and graphs lol. It is nice though I like it.

IDK what I'm going to do now my daughter fights with me about any deviation in routine. I understand, she's completely handicapped with autism but, it gets hard to deal with.

Really hard sometimes.

But we built up to 4 or 5 miles and now the public bathrooms close and we are going to have to alter the route.

I can't get that far away from a bathroom and be comfortable so we have to walk around in smaller circles. It'll be fine after we do it a few times. It's easy to do routes around area. Especially in winter, no one is around really.

That's the other thing, the weather. It'll be fine through November, we need to keep going. We will see how we do.

The beach was coldish today low 70s, wind off the water. There were a lot of people depending on what you call a lot. Bundled up in sweatshirts and under blankets and a few rave souls in swimming. It's only really crowded when it gets into the 90s, hardly the case today.

I just went out on the porch brrrrrrr. It's going to be cold when the sun goes down!

 

[blackemerald1]

Your pics are lovely. All the different moods of the weather reported via your beach, on your doorstep. :)

 

[Mach123]

Blueberry pancakes. My best and worst memories take place at the same time. I was about 13. We lived in a beautiful, secluded place my mother and boyfriend rented. I was being brutalized by their violent alcoholism or trauma re enactment or what ever. You had to see them drink to believe it. I was acting out sexually. I was a vampire. I was so desperate. I read a post the other day by a guy who said he wanted love and help while he sought out or allowed sex with older men.

My mom stayed at home and he worked as much as he was able. I don't know how they did anything the way they drank. I was thinking about it last night, the horror of watching people who are supposed to be in charge of you doing that. Like a horror movie. They would have three day brawls, the cops would come, my mother put him in a hospital at least once i remember.

But where we were was beautiful. I had a beautiful dog he gave me that eventually went to his kids, back with the x wife. That was one of the most beautiful dogs I ever had. There were cultivated blueberry bushes. My mom used to make blueberry pancakes. She was always in the kitchen cooking and baking. It was like idyllic. Except it wasn't.

When I realized the cops had not come to rescue me, that they weren't going to put me in the cruiser and lock me in a cell so I could be safe from these people who kept telling me they loved me when they were drunk, I started planning my escape? Or maybe I didn't plan it. Sex and violence and alcohol.

I couldn't tell anyone. I was like a robot. I sought out pleasure like a fiend to escape from the beatings at school and the violence at home. I would have done anything, why not? Someone already had taught me how. I liked sex.

Blueberry pancakes, the end of summer. I got some blueberries yesterday and the Aunt Jemima pancake mix (original)

. My wife said get Bisquick.

 

[Mach123]

I redid my summer haircut. I've been keeping up with it and I found a barber. Within fifteen minutes which I've never had before. She has a book of names in case the shop closes which she's worried about. It'll be in the same town though. I like my haircut. There has only been a couple times I'm my whole life I've been able to say that.

I think that I like how I look (this means something specific) is a sign that I'm getting better or that I am better to a degree that lets me say that.

The hair is really short. But it's done properly. It makes such a big difference. It's layered properly. Most barbers or hairdressers won't take the time to do it properly or don't know how. You just look like you took the clippers to yourself lol.

I like a buzz too I used to do it but it looks so much better than anything I could do or really that I've seen before.

We walked on the beach yesterday just one girl and I. She walks too slow but she keeps going. I have to stop and wait for her a lot. She needs to drop a lot of weight to be healthy, we are working on it.

Everyone likes to feed her because it makes her happy.

Turns out the bathrooms didn't close on Labor Day and nobody could tell me how long they stay open and I can't find it anywhere online. Probably September 15th. Same day dogs are allowed back in the beach, that's another story.
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