Support/need From Therapist

[jedijackie]

Question... how have you responded when the therapist asked, "What do you need?" or "What would be a support to you right now?".

I've been asked those two questions in different ways in multiple sessions over the past 3 months by two different really great but utterly confusing therapists (SE and CBT). I've asked for clarification but I think I'm not understanding what the "right" answer is so figured I'd ask here for some non-clinical real world feedback.

I tell them I have no idea what would be a support or wth I need, that I really dislike both words "support" and "need" because it implies something I can't do for myself, it makes me sound supper needy or helpless. Every time they ask, I get frustrated internally, and externally I reiterate my goals of to not "check-out" so much, stay alive for my kiddo, and not isolate so much (not really MY goal, I just repeat what the therapists want for me).

Me: trauma background (who doesn't?), PTSD-label (ugh!), disassociative, and this new label of codependency.

Have you ever been asked what do you need right now, or what would be a support to you? How do you respond? I really have no idea.

 

[GardenGirl0214]

My therapist has asked me that once or twice. At first it annoyed me because I guess I just expected her to KNOW what I need. After all, SHE is the therapist! But, she's also human amd doesn't have all the answers, so we try to figure out together what it is I need. Hope that helps.

 

[scout86]

Mine has asked. I usually say "Huh?". He smiles and says that's not unusual.

 

[Joan]

yes, really hard question. I have been able to shift to see it as not coming from a needy place (which i still struggle with) but being able to state that I matter and maybe I need something...a hug, validation, someone to just say yes that sucks...I am sorry....this question is still really tough, but I understand it a little better.

 

[Sandstone]

No, I don't know the answer either. I have responded with "What usually works?", but that doesn't seem to be what they want.

I was reminded yesterday of my Schema Therapy assessment, where I scored high in Emotional Deprivation.
"Typical behaviours .. include not asking significant others for what they need emotionally; not expressing a desire for love or comfort; focusing on asking the other person questions but saying little about oneself; acting stronger than one feels underneath; and in other ways reinforcing the deprivation by acting as though they do not have emotional needs. Because these patients do not expect emotional support, they do not ask for it; consequently, usually they do not get it. Another tendency … is choosing significant others who cannot or do not want to give emotionally. They often choose people who are cold, aloof, self-centred, or needy, and therefore likely to deprive them emotionally." http://healingschemas.tumblr.com/post/93858589355/3-emotional-deprivation-schema

I think we are so used to not having needs met that we can't even begin to identify those needs. Maybe the right answer is "I need help to identify what I need. I need you to tell me that it is OK to ask."

 

[barefoot]

Yes, a tricky question... And I completely relate to not wanting to feel needy (ugh!). I never have an answer either and usually just say "I don't know" or "nothing". I think "nothing" comes from quite an anxious and/or shutdown place - a bit of an automatic/defensive response.

"I don't know" though - I think that is a very valid answer to say you don't know what you need. It gives you and your therapist a lot of information about where you are at the moment and where you could perhaps focus some of your work together. Accepting that we all have needs (because we are human), identifying our specific need(s) in the moment and being able to express our need(s) is an important process. So, working on that can be very valuable. And I say that knowing I'm nowhere near there with this yet myself!

Don't put pressure on yourself to come up with a "right" answer. If "I don't know how to answer that" is how it is, then that's the right answer...for now, at least...

 

[Deleted member 29920]

The last time a therapist asked me that, I said I didn't know, then I said that I just wanted to be on another planet or at the opposite end of the world from the people who traumatised me.

I guess now my answer would be - to sleep, feel safe, have all this pain be over with.

 

[ladee]

The first time I was asked this... 'I need to be heard' came tumbling out of my mouth ! I just sat there like a ventriloquist dummy waiting for the rest of what ever I was supposed to say ! I then realized I said that. Me. Who is always clueless about needs and wants... and to say it out loud... O M G... we laughed about it much later, but it took me by surprise that I was even asked. That was many years ago... but it was a starting point. To this day I often do not feel as tho I am being heard.... but I know now that is complicated on my end...
Just let your T know you would like her/him to work with you to find out what you need...we are so unused to anyone asking anything about us, it throws us...
Probably most every one here would just there and say,,, uh, I don't know... because we don't... no right or wrong here... we truly do not know...
Sending you healing energy to take care of yourself... your answer will come.

 

[watundah]

My T asked me this twice in the last month or so and it concerned me that she was either out of ideas or didn't know me. Now I know she was making sure she wasn't missing anything because god knows I would never *ask* for anything. I thought about it and my response was to simply keep helping me. Not really sure how else to respond.

@Sandstone -asking other people questions - I didn't know that is a sign of emotional deprivation - interesting. ..I learned that "trick" many years ago by watching a friend who did that all of the time to keep the focus off of her self. An excellent tool for those with social anxiety and a great way to stay hidden. At a cost, yes, but I still do it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I wonder if his question is as much about the therapist knowing what you need as it is about prompting you to consider what you need.

I never ask for anything. I also have no idea what I need. It's a tough combination, for sure, as others have suggested ... And the first step to asking is to understand myself what it is I need.

 

[jedijackie]

I wonder if his question is as much about the therapist knowing what you need as it is abo...

THIS. I like this very much.

Thank you everyone. This was incredible to get your feedback on, thank you all so very much! Everyone's responses are fantastic! It's amazing seeing that there are "others" out there! :-) Even 3 years in therapy still makes me feel nuts when you're so isolated to the world.

Trying to work on a needs list to have at the ready but all I've got so far is:

• For the therapist (to continue to) help me unpack my memories and file them back, without judgement, without me getting lost and unable to find my way back. (I dissociate -- don't we all?)
• Help me learn real world skills (mirroring?) so I can learn not to isolate, stop being so dang afraid of everyone.
• To keep challenging my thought process & not give up on me. ( <--not that I think this will happen, but I know we all have abandonment issues)

My problem is I know my "wants"... these are our goals, right? To be able to sit near/next to someone, to make/have/maintain a friendship with someone, to not have so many flashbacks, minimize the migraines, nightmares, etc. But being able to figure out what I "need" is... difficult.

Actually glad to see it's difficult for a lot of people, not just me. That was incredibly helpful to read here.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think maybe they ask because they want you to know that your input is valuable to the process rather than assuming they know what you need.