Relationship Supporter Fatique. When To Call It Quits.

[Bella81]

Living with a husband who has CPTSD can become an abusive environment. SO much of the supporter posts that I read, you see supporters who are down right SAINTS. After much reading, I've realized my relationship with my spouse is an emotionally abusive relationship. I've looked at it for so many years and justified his behaviors. He pleads with me about how sorry he is after an episode of rage or saying mean things to me...It creates a fog in my mind. He blames me for his depression. He says that because our relationship is in turmoil that it creates his depression. He's playing the blame game...and yet when I tell him he is, he says he's just trying to be honest with his feelings and that I'm being too sensitive. I grew up in a very strong, positive household. I have a very strong sense of self (that he almost took away from me), and I know who I am and what I want out of life. I've found myself depressed when I take inventory of my life. This isn't what i wanted. I want to continue to be that good support to him...and I feel like less of a person or like I"m being selfish if I say I cannot handle it anymore. But I'm learning that everyone has limits. Mine have been tested and tried for 10 years.

I know he doesn't mean to do these things and that he doesn't even see what he does. He's exceptionally sweet by nature...and yet this monster comes out of him and scares me to death. I'm so turned off by him emotionally. My heart has walls up that don't feel like they could ever come down... I want SO DESPERATELY for him to change. And yet, I know I cannot do it for him!

I know my husband didn't ask to be abused when he was a child... He wore his mask so well for so many years. I didn't see a lot of the effects of the abuse until now... After 3 kids (who are now preschool age), and the stress of a job and a young family, those effects are now monstrous. He's not the man I married. It scares me to think I could be one of "those people"...a single mom of 3.

I've now given the ultimatum. He get's professional help and at least tries medicine, or I'm out. I've called a separation and had him leave since it would give the kids more stability to be at home. He's tried so hard to overcome his demons...but I feel that until he truly realizes how nasty it's been on me...how abusive it is...then I cannot continue to live in it.

I'd love to hear your stories, it's so encouraging to me!

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I'm in a similar situation, my spouse is currently seeking help which since January 2012 hasn't been getting better. If he were not actively tryinging I would be out.

He was abused as a child and has started having flashbacks and nightmares.

I started counseling myself (it really helps to have a sounding board). My therapist told me that imagine he has cancer and is fighting for his life, that has put it into perspective for me.

I waiver every day, when I'm the one taking care of our three kids, working paying the bills, etc. it is hard, but I will give him recovery time , but will not live another 10 years like this.

He was so hurt and damaged, someone has to love him and take care of him, so right now I'm on hold. Still taking good care of myself. Although it is difficult, I'm grateful that I didn't have to live through what he did...it is angering, sad... He didn't learn the right tools and is actually doing better than expected with his circumstances.

 

[Rob1]

Thanks for sharing Bella. And you've read my story and commented so its good to hear a little more about yours.
Recently I gave my wife an ultimatum too. Although, looking back, I'm not sure what the point was. She has been telling me for almost a year that she wants a divorce and despite my desire to seek counseling together, for her to get therapy, for us to be working in that direction toward mending our relationship, she still frequently (at least five time a week) tells me she wants a divorce. So why was I suprised when I told her the relationship couldn't continue unless she wanted it too and that she needed to decide whether she did, and she said no? It hurt a lot. And scared me to death. But honestly...its nothing I haven't heard every week for a year.

And then...nothing changed! I want the relationship to continue and don't want to be the one to finally call it quits! But she seems to have no ability at all to see the responsibility she has in this relationship and the help she needs. So I gave her an ultimatum, she said she wants out, but then neither of us actually did anything about it!

You really meant it, Bella, when you said either get help or I'm done. I just don't know if I can say that and actually mean it. Because I know she'll just let me go. But she just won't do it herself. So I'm left confused, hoping the relationship will get better, not being willing to call it quits, while she continues to promise divorce and yet stay, and does nothing to make the relationship better.

I'm glad you gave your ultimatum though! And I really hope he does get the help he needs, for his sake, your sake, and your whole family.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

He is actually doing better than expected with his circumstances.

There are two standards the human mind uses: Absolute, and relative. Usually they're going to give you the same answer, but PTSD (or any abnormally high challenge) will give strange results.

So in relative terms your husband is doing well, and that's familiar because so am I. "When you think about it, considering..."


But in absolute terms I don't think any trauma victim, whether mental or physical, can be said to be "doing well at life." Which will always be a pain.

 

[Shoka]

Bella,

Your story sounds familiar. It is not your responsibility to see that he gets into therapy. What is your responsibility is to creat clear expectations about how you want to be treated and then follow through.

As a supporter, of course I want my partner to heal and to be in my life. I have in the past begged and pleaded for him to go to therapy (which he has), and I have even gone to monitoring his meds to know that he is taking them.

After years of being compassionate to the point of enabling inappropriate behaviors, I finally see that I have no control over his change. This leaves me with one very sobering reality, if I continue to stay with someone who treats me In a way that is unacceptable to me, then I have to own it. I have to do that emotional inventory to discover what is ticking away in me to keep me from leaving, and then address those issues.

We carers do a dance with the people in our life with PTSD. Sometimes the time comes when we must realize to get off the dance floor.

 

[Bella81]

Thank you everyone for your comments. As you know, this is one of the best ways we can all work towards our own healing. No matter where that journey takes us, we must press on towards what we know in our lives is going to be the best path, weather that includes our partner or not.

It's true, we can do NOTHING to change our partner. All we CAN do is change ourselves, our perspectives, and give boundaries of what we expect from our partner. It's our life too, and unless we demand change in the areas that affect us, then we will go on living under the FOG that comes from living with someone with PTSD. Press on. Take charge. And take care of yourself. Much love!

 

[Bella81]

I once again find myself in that spot of shutting down my heart towards my dh. We had an argument about when we were going to leave town for a thing I had that weekend. He was struggling. He was consumed by his demons of his past. It was taking him forever to get ready to go...and he was being an ass to boot. He was telling me I was being controlling because I wanted to leave on time. He said, "what about me". What the hell? I can't ask for him to be on time? It's at the point that I think we need to take separate cars when we go places. He cannot get himself on time anywhere. And he doesn't seem to care when it comes to anything I want sometimes.

His reaction was one of extreme fear of abandonment. It got to the point that i told him he needed to stay home. He started to use our kids against me. He said, "mommy doesn't want me to come". To which my 5 year old started crying hysterically. My dh asked him who he wanted to go with. Of course he wanted both of us. My dh wouldn't relent. He acted like the child that he was when his trauma happened.

I felt helpless. He actually wouldn't even get out of the car when I asked him to. He was out of control. I didn't know how to get back in control.

 

[lovehopepeace]

Pretty much my situation. I knew he had PTSD before we married, but it didn't surface until a few months after we married. I know all about the blame, emotional/verbal abuse. He's also an addict which makes it even more hard for him to see himself as the abuser.

I'm reading a really good book right now called "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore" - it's not about being a victim. It's about going back to your core values (such as compassion, kindness) and acting from those and not letting his actions turn you away from your core values. It's a very helpful book.

It's helping me to drop the resentment, the pity party and focus on loving myself and feeling empathy for him even when he's abusive and showing compassion to someone (anyone) to reconnect with that core value.

 

[Bella81]

Lovehopepeace, I'm glad you've found some solace in a good book. Thank you for the suggestion. I've read a lot... and it does help when a book can take you to a new place to hope. Today I feel that resentment and pity party...it's SO very difficult living with someone like this. I just shut down sometimes, and I hate that! I am not myself, I'm not happy in life...and I don't know how i can be in the midst of all of this stuff I have to put up with from my DH. Trying to keep my head above water today.

We're not in a crisis mode, like we sometimes are after his big emotional explosions, but I just can't muster that hope...

 

[Serasen]

I just shut down sometimes, and I hate that! I am not myself, I'm not happy in life...and I don't know how i can be in the midst of all of this stuff I have to put up with from my DH.

Bella81, I feel your pain and frustration. Although I had a hysterectomy right before we met so we don't have any children together, I often feel like I have changed everything about who I am for this person. I have learned new behaviors and reactions and pretty much rewired my brain for his comfort. Yet he still won't help himself! I hate that I have done this. I feel so stupid sometimes when I read about others enabling their ptsd spouse. Have I been doing this?!

I want to get back to the person I used to be, the me I wasn't disgusted with. I have to convince myself that pity parties won't help although I still have them from time to time. I feel like if I don't take time to myself to really feel my emotions they will go unnoticed by anyone since he can't stand to deal with them.

I hope you find some peace and ((big hugs)) support.