Relationship Supporters: What Is The One (or A Few) Thing(s)?

[lostforgottensoul]

It's exhausting to worry about if I'm using the "right" word too, because it is impossible to know how he might interpret something.

Yeah, I can see how that can be exhausting to worry all the time if you have used words he cant take personal. Knowing me id say something like "that wasnt about you so check yourself" but then i can see that starting a needless fight.

I mind read ALL THE TIME! Its so hard for me not to. I try to be aware of it but its so unconscience. I think that may be one of the biggest things I see here too. Someone taking something totally wrong because of how they took it when they read it. I remember someone saying in the help desk a long time ago to always assume that what you are reading here was meant in the most helpful, best, non-offending, not mad or upset (totally forgot the actual words used) way. I try my hardest to do that here but even in real life my dad chooses his words without any thought and man, me and him and my step mom and I all bump heads because of that. My dad will often say "I can't say anything right to you lately" and I feel horrible about it but its just so automatic. I often think afterwards "what is he refering to?" And rack my brain and cant figure out what he is talking about. I dont know if thats for protection or what but it sucks! For both parties.

My ex made up her own interpretations of my actions and words

This was in the book Risin' Strong by Berne Brown. What story are we telling ourselves about interactions and things said to us. I think we all do it to an extent but I think a PTSD sufferer does it way more.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@lostforgottensoul

My ex did tell me I can't be held responsible for how she interprets things, which I appreciated... the problem is, it's fine her saying that, but when she thinks these things she acts like they're reality and DOES hold me responsible for them, she treats me as though they're are reflective of how I think and feel and that it was my intent. That for me was the point it went too far, I overthink and read into things she does, but I don't then treat her as though my paranoia is true UNLESS I get evidence that strongly confirms it, otherwise I keep it to myself.

To me there is a difference between thinking it and acting on it, in the past she always told herself it was her just being paranoid, now it's like she embraces it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@TheMinsterman, I don't do that, I don't think anyway. I mean I may think, say, someone is thinking bad things about me and will rumminate on that but I dont think I treat others like they think like I think they think....if that makes any sense. I will ask or sort of dig but I dont think it affects how i treat someone. I agree, I think that crosses a line.

 

[grimalkin]

I'm not sure this falls in the "can do right now," or a "need to learn better" category, because in the midst of an amygdala hijacking, it's not like you can really control it. Maybe an "after the fact" sort of thing?

I'll second (third?) the cut us some slack. :) We supporters don't WANT to trigger our loved ones, we don't WANT them to hurt (and if someone does, that's a whole other can of worms). So when it happens, chances are pretty good it was accidental, probably not even realized on our part. Tell us that we did trigger you, and how? Definitely. But try (I know it's easier said than done) to realize it wasn't intentional, and try to forgive us, once you've managed to come out of the "PTSD attack."

Certainly, move through your pain and anger at being hurt by a loved one...but realize it's YOUR pain and anger - and yours to manage. One thing my own counselor has been trying to get me to really see (intellectually I know it, but actually getting it to stick is hard) - I didn't trigger my soon-to-be-ex. He was triggered, it just happened that it was me. He's not managing his PTSD, so he sees it as something I did to him, rather than his PTSD causing him to see danger where there was none.

Of course, this is all with the assumption that the person/people with whom you want to share understanding aren't abusers themselves, and DON'T purposely try to harm or trigger you.

 

[Fadeaway]

@TheMinsterman My husband does that and he does NOT have PTSD. I am not sure that what you are describing has anything to do with PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Fadeaway this thread is not a discussion about what is or is not a symptom of PTSD. It is a question asking supporters what their sufferers could do to better their relationships.

Link Removed

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I didn't trigger my soon-to-be-ex. He was triggered, it just happened that it was me. He's not managing his PTSD, so he sees it as something I did to him, rather than his PTSD causing him to see danger where there was none.

Yeah, that was a big one for me even here on the site. I now say "i became triggered" or "it triggered me" rather than "you triggered me".

My dad isnt understanding enough to know what a trigger is but I do try to educate while trying to stay aware that my behavior is my own.

Thats actually a long convo we all had. I speak of this site without naming it. And my sister likes to excuse abusive behavior because he husband died...2 yrs ago. Our cousin died about a year ago. And her mother in law died about 6 months ago. I say "I dont care who died, that doesnt give you the right to abuse others". And then I get into we are all responsible for our behaviors. I do try to stay aware of that.

Of course, this is all with the assumption that the person/people with whom you want to share understanding aren't abusers themselves, and DON'T purposely try to harm or trigger you.

Yeah, that one is hard for me.

Some things are like things I can become more aware of now and some things I need to work on but this conversation helps me to realize more and more things I can do right now to make their life, and everyone around me's life, easier.

I think cutting them a break is like #1. My dad is frustrating and I need to be more patient with him and then like my step mom was asking about why Netflix wasn't working (she needed to sign out of their acct and into mine) and I immediately sounded annoyed as I immediately jumped to "OMG she wants me to get up right now and go fix her blueray/tv, again". And my step mom said "I'm just talking to you" so that helped me step back but that right away annoyed thing I need to figure out how to stop.

 

[caligirl03]

Employ healthy coping methods rather than make every attempt to avoid the issue by (fill in the blank), which only aggravates the situation for everyone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@caligirl03, can you think of a situation where there was an attempt to avoid.a situation and then a healthier coping skill would have worked much better? Remembering that I am looking for small things I can do over night without any or much learning. I am always learning to do better and be better and healthier but just sort of quick and easy things that can make a big difference.

 

[caligirl03]

I would say the obvious ones like drowning oneself in booze or engaging in reckless sex (not saying this is what everybody does by any means). But perhaps committing to more constructive self-care practices, especially when triggered. Examples might include exercising, journaling, mindful meditation, etc. Essentially re-channeling that negative energy into activities that will infuse you with health and vitality, finding whatever works best in seeking out TRUE fulfillment rather than vainly attempt to fill the PTSD void with things that may seem like a good idea in the moment but ultimately end up doing more harm than good. Kudos to you for even having the self-awareness and desire to want to improve your relationships. So sweet.

 

[caligirl03]

You asked for a "small way" in the interim. I would say even just asking, "What can I do for you right now?" would be anything but small for whoever is on the other side of that question.

 

[Fadeaway]

But perhaps committing to more constructive self-care practices, especially when triggered. Examples might include exercising, journaling, mindful meditation, etc. Essentially re-channeling that negative energy into activities that will infuse you with health and vitality,

I wouldn't comment if it wasn't for the fac that you said "when triggered."

It doesn't work that way. Those are good things to practice regularly, but when you are triggered, it is pretty much impossible for us to think.."Oh I think I am going to go journal in the midst of this massive flashback." You develop those healthy habits to lessen the frequency of symptoms, not as a go to activity when you are triggered.