Supporting other members to play mindgames with their own children?

[Ridi]

Diagnosing your child/and or children with a mental health diagnosis, that you are actually not qualified to make, (nor are your friends on an Internet forum are also not qualified to make), and then acting as if this diagnosis is actually real, obsessively watching videos, reading, discussing, and treating that member of your family as if the Internet diagnosis is actually real, is a crazy making exercise, for not only your immediate offspring, but their children as well. You are going to be seen as irresponsible, destructive, crazy making, abusive, manipulative, and not generally in a favourable light.

What mindf*ck games are you participating in today?

I mean seriously this is a question every one participating in threads where Mothers and Fathers are emotionally having a go at their children, need to ask themselves. Why do we allow this to happen on our forum? If our parents where behaving like this, how would we think and feel? Is it because our Mother and Father behaved like this, that we no longer have contact with them?

It saddens me to see people feeling justified to have a go at one's children or child, to use that child as a target, to get "high fives" online, or "you sure showed 'em" "the dragon queen strikes again", "your child didn't buy you an <insert item here>, I mean he has money and he didn't do exactly what you wanted with it?" . You are enabling widespread abusiveness, and the consequences for that seem to be severe.

You are putting your friend in the position of being an elderly isolated person as they have destroyed their relationships with all others in their families. The partners of your children leave, and I have done this, simply because I couldn't watch that person be tortured anymore by their parents. If you are enabling someone to continually emotionally attack their own child or children - to sure "show" them because of "sexism," "racism," "ageism," "homophobia," "transphobia," or because of their "disability," then you are doing yourself and your friend/s a great disservice.

If you have issues with your own children, then deal with them and don't mediate your venom through the ongoing collaboration of cheering on someone else's attacks on their children. The adult children get to the point of having had enough. The adult children in the end, have to flee to save themselves. There are no justifications for bad behaviours. There are no justifications for for using someone in your family as a scapegoat. There are no justifications for spending time online cheering each other on for "showing them", "putting them in their place" , " reining in a "male ego", "showing them how it is really done" or "putting my daughter right in HER place"!

Maybe a better way to think about things - if you need to blame someone - is to go well they are 60% to blame, but what about my 40% what is my responsibility in this situation? Where do I take responsibility for my actions? How can I challenge my own distorted cognitions in order not to transmit trauma down the intergenerational lines? What proactive things can I do in order not to dump my shit on other people in my life?

There really are other ways to spend your days other than being a professional victim, and using those victim states to have a certain sense of entitlement, and use any forms of emotional blackmail to get what you want, or to truly enjoy not getting your needs and wants met, so other people can fawn over your helplessness, hopelessness and hard done by ness. This is an effective way to get sustained, focussed, drama seeking attention. But I don't see it as a productive lifestyle choice. And it is really destructive to all of our children.

The punishing of any child who doesn't magically read your thoughts of what you want, and who dares to have another opinion on a matter that does not coincide with your own. Is it really the best situation when you can continually complain about how insensitive, ungrateful for your child/children are after you brought them up, how they are uninterested in your concerns, or not attentive enough in your attention seeking? On this forum you can see the continual shifting of the goal posts that really keeps the adult children always grasping to get it right, and when they do get it right, well that was not good enough any way at all, or they didn't do it soon enough.

The pity party can just go on forever, and OMG I mean my son/daughter had the audacity to have their own opinions, and I brought them up and how dare they not pander to each and every one of my needs in alphabetical order? The continual do our children "think we should be grateful at all times for next to nothing". Well when you always choose to see the glass half full - I think the answer to that one would be a sane and emphatic "Yes!"

What mindf*ck games are you participating in today? Why are you supporting other people to play mindf*ck games with their children?

 

[Ote]

I don't know what inspired this thread, but it sure sounds like it could have been aimed at my narcissist grandmother, because she would pull that shit.

The punishing of any child who doesn't magically read your thoughts of what you want, and who dares to have another opinion on a matter that does not coincide with your own. Is it really the best situation when you can continually complain about how insensitive, ungrateful for your child/children are after you brought them up, how they are uninterested in your concerns, or not attentive enough in your attention seeking?

I don't what inspired this but AMEN and then some.

I am not sure I want to read what ever inspired but i am glad to see this, because it doesn't just apply here. It applies to parent in general.

 

[Bugim]

There are people with kids in my trauma group, and it's like watching them walk a tightrope sometimes. Definitely there is over-protective behaviours, but sometimes it does seem to go too far. Enter the parent who pathologises every last nuance from their child in a frantic effort to save them from the emotional turmoil of mental illness, coupled with unhealthy attachment styles...and wham! Complete disfunction. Yuck!

At the same time? It is incredibly important for some parents to be able to break free when they do have an abusive child and call it for what it is. Because once the child becomes an adult? The child is fulky accountable and responsible for their own behaviour.

Healthy approach? If it's not your family? Stay outofit!

 

[Ebi]

Healthy approach? If it's not your family? Stay outofit!

So we should all never respond to any post that mentions a child?

That seems a bit confusing considering the fact that the whole reason such a thread was there in the first place, was because someone was looking for input.

 

[Ajewa]

People are idiots, is my simple view. The internet is good and bad, equally. People use it both ways IMHO. But still... anyone diagnosing their child from the Internet, or go doctor shopping to get the answer they want -- IDIOTS.

 

[Rozano]

I suggest you take a look at your own very black/white thinking. Being an adult child does not remove one from responsibility if they are in a position of trust and abuse such.

Elder abuse - Wikipedia

Believe it or not, children DO misuse their power. They stop their parents from seeing their grandchildren. They can be incredibly cruel. And let me get this straight. You are suggesting that we all say
WHAT???? THAT is your blessed ADULT CHILD! Don't you DARE speak badly of them, you wicked and obviously personality disordered, victim thinking, abusive piece of kak?

Not likely. You obviously don't have adult children. You position is incredibly naive.

Neither you, nor anyone else on this board is going to successfully shame me into publicly ridiculing/ignoring/publicly shaming people on this board. I have heard enough of this topic. This is a very real and possibly very dangerous position for some parents to be in. You have no right to minimize a potentially very serious family dynamic.

 

[Ower]

Neither you, nor anyone else on this board is going to successfully shame me into publicly ridiculing/ignoring/publicly shaming people on this board. I have heard enough of this topic. This is a very real and possibly very dangerous position for some parents to be in. You have no right to minimize a potentially very serious family dynamic.

This ^^^^^ ! Each person has their own journey, no matter the issue.... and their own timetable. If these posts are bothering you . STOP READING THEM... to try and control a group of people who support, by shaming them will never work...not here. Since this is not the first post of this line of thinking,,, although this one is 'anonymous' possibly something is being triggered for the writers and needs attention.... not shaming and blaming someone who supports others not to your liking.

 

[Weluwe]

You obviously don't have adult children. You position is incredibly naive.

You know nothing about what children, adult or otherwise that I have in my life.

Members on this forum can identify abusive behaviours without being a parent.

Your position is also incredibly naive, but it is much more than that, it is also incredibly manipulative and self serving. You are firmly planted in the justification of acting out your stuff out on your own adult children. And you are finding ways to smarmly rewrite reality and history. The games you play will come back with significant consequences.

 

[Oji]

You know very well that the opening post is not suggesting members put up with Elder abuse. I have reported Elder abuse to the proper authorities in my country. That is a straw-man argument.

I have literally give YEARS of support to parents that have had abusive offspring.

This is a very real and possibly very dangerous position for some parents to be in. You have no right to minimize a potentially very serious family dynamic.

What a wonderful way of shifting the goal posts!

You are the one who is minimising a potentially very serious family dynamic.

 

[Durojic]

Being an adult child does not remove one from responsibility if they are in a position of trust and abuse such.

The opening post at no point suggests, implies or explicitly states that being an adult child moves one from responsibility of trust and abuse that.

The opening post does discuss how some parents abuse their position of trust by being helpless, hopeless, and a professional victim by not taking responsibility for their own lives, and punish and emotionally manipulate their children to take care of them, and/or play mind games in an abusive way of their children.

Elder Abuse is a red herring because that is not what is being discussed here.

 

[Nujag]

Diagnosing your child/and or children with a mental health diagnosis, that you are actually not qualified to make, (nor are your friends on an Internet forum are also not qualified to make), and then acting as if this diagnosis is actually real, obsessively watching videos, reading, discussing, and treating that member of your family as if the Internet diagnosis is actually real, is a crazy making exercise, for not only your immediate offspring, but their children as well. You are going to be seen as irresponsible, destructive, crazy making, abusive, manipulative, and not generally in a favourable light.

If you have a qualified Trauma Psychiatrist or Psychologist who works with you to protect yourself from your offspring's behavior then that is one thing. But everyone joining into a posse and discussing the latest point scoring with their own or another person's adult - is abusive. All the energy that goes into point scoring could actually go into actual recovery. Instead of being a victim you could take responsibility for your part in things, rather than scapegoating their children.

 

[Wivalol]

You know nothing about what children, adult or otherwise that I have in my life.

Nor you I. I don't know you. You don't know me. You have no right to speak against anyone else's family dynamics. Pull your claws back in and deal with your family issues. Stop judging others so harshly when you have no idea what you are talking about.