Sufferer Survivor Of Gun Violence

[safenow]

I'm not living there any more.

I am really happy to hear that. I know one time, I found a really nice upstairs apartment. The front of the building it was upstairs, but the side and back of the building was main floor. When I first moved in, I didn't know there was a drug house across the street. Gun shots every night didn't help my ptsd at all. It took me a while before I could save up to get another place.

At night, when the shoots would ring out, I would hit the deck and many times bullets would come flying through the living room walls. It was horrible. It was so good to get out of there.

I hate to sound really negative, but so many places in the world are just not safe any longer. The world is in sad shape. My heart goes out to those young people trying to raise children in this day and age. Between the cost of everything, and mothers having to work to pay for everything, and tempers raised by just about everyone, then toss in the fools who act out . . . I need to get back to my mountain.

 

[cattsrangels2]

Hey save a patch of mountain for me. I'm right behind ya. I live about three minutes from there. To the left is city. To the right is country and ahead is suburb. I couldn't afford to move elsewhere.

 

[KatB]

Catts, welcome to the forum.

I can relate to your post as well as others here too in many ways. I have endured multiple traumas over the last couple of years and it has left me completely open and vulnerable and hyper-aware of my surroundings. I am sorry about your situation and the shakiness it produced inside of you.

I wanted you to know how real it is to have constant reminders, flashbacks, dreams, etc about your traumas and live in the same area where it happened. As much as the war is over and the chaos has diminished, it leaves our bodies in that flight or fight mode ( or freeze) constantly. It is hard to tell yourself that you are not at fault and that you are not weak or crazy or insane, but that you are truamatized and the effects haven't left or healed in your body, mind, and spirit.


I haven't had a real break from my chaos in a very long time. Although it was only last yr I was diagnosed, it feels like I took too long to do something about it. Now, that I have become this super-aware of myself and my conditions, I haven't stopped wanting to become whole again. Sorry if I rambled a bit of myself, but I couldn't help and relate so well to all the responses here.

 

[Pietro]

The biggest problem is that this isn't something I talk myself into. It is not like I'm sitting around thinking my way into being like this. PTSD is so much more intense. I just react to things but is something deep inside me. It's as if what happened has been burned inside me.

Actually, in a way, it does get "burned" inside of you. Some believe that, for memories related to survival, the mind gives special protection to those memories, and their associated thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and makes it very difficult to change these, or even remember them (repression). Others suggest a more physical cause -- that your nervous system gets locked-up because of an inability to fully process through the trauma.

Regardless, as KatB said, what you're experiencing is well understood among those with trauma.

 

[cattsrangels2]

I had to tell myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. That my thoughts and feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. That if anyone should feel ashamed is the animal who did this. Have a long way to go to forgive him huh? When you have nightmares are they so crystal clear it feels real? I even dreamed about him once. That he shot me. When I wake from these dreams I am so much in shock I can't think straight. My therapist wants me to make a "go bag". A bag of things to reach for when I have a nightmare but I tried and found I couldn't remember to do it. Maybe if I use them, from the bag at my bedside I could get into the habit.

 

[safenow]

A bag of things to reach for when I have a nightmare but I tried and found I couldn't remember to do it. Maybe if I use them, from the bag at my bedside I could get into the habit.

I have my "bag". I call it my mental health first-aid kit. LOL.

I recommend, at least for a while, using the items each and every day. In fact, more than once a day. Since one of my traumas, I can not sleep with the lights off. I keep a light on in the bathroom and in the kitchen so I can always see as soon as I open my eyes. I keep a flashlight right next to my bed, just in case of a power outage. I also keep sturdy shoes under my bed, in case of an earthquake. LOL. I tend to cover all the bases.

I am so glad your therapist had you create a "go bag'. I based mine on the 5-4-3-2-1 game. It covers all the senses. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-it-all-began.30110/#post-485404[/DLMURL] That describes what mine covers.

When you have nightmares are they so crystal clear it feels real?

If it is exactly what you experienced, that is called a flashback. Even after all these years, when I fear for my life, I still have those pop up from time to time.

I suggest you print out a copy of this: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-it-all-began.30110/page-10#post-499347[/DLMURL]. Read it over a few times before you need it. If you live with someone, make sure they read it with you a few times before you need it. It can stop those flashbacks quickly.

 

[cattsrangels2]

My

I always have a full ear covering headset next to me in bed and/or with me. I have 3 mp3 players with me at any time, so that I can play music to drown out loud sounds. Sometimes I sleep with the headset on.

I actually bought a headset for construction workers.

I also always put napkins under any plate etc. I don't like the sound of glass on tile or whatever.

My sensitivity problem is from the sudden, loud and sharp noises just as when the shootout was. Like when the batteries fell or someone drops something or someone peeling out of an intersection. I had to change my phone's ringtone to a softer one. I am thinking of getting an air freshener for my room. It may help to soothe me when I have a nightmare. I have a worry stone with an angel in it. I keep it near my bed. I just have to get in the habit of using these things. The music idea is a good one to fall asleep with.

 

[KatB]

I had a dream about a week ago about my brother. The dream felt so real that I woke up crying and desired death upon him. It reflected the previous abuse I endured from him and the efforts I tried to remove myself from his hands. It was excruciating painful.


Catts, forgive me if this is too detailed. Just wanted to show how I understand your pain about dreams and flashbacks of traumas.

 

[cattsrangels2]

No need for sorry. You need to vent and part of sharing is sharing details. Thank you and I am sorry for what happened to you. I understand that PTSD nightmares are the most vivid. I've often woken up and felt like it actually happened. They weren't about the exact day but were about assault guns. I saw my therapist today. I have felt so detached lately. I was at a meeting recently among people I knew yet I felt so dissociated from them. It was weird. I lay in bed feeling like my mind has taken a separate vacation from my body.

 

[KatB]

I know what you mean, Catts. Mind and body disconnection. Also, disconnection from people closest to me.

 

[Bodacious]

How do you gain control over reactions you had no control over in the first place? I am seeing a therapist but need support from others as well.

I ask myself this question every day and I too have been in therapy since May 2008 and I still struggle every day with my symptoms of PTSD. I just found this forum a few days ago myself. So far it is helping because now I know I am not alone and don't feel like I have no one to turn to for ideas and suggestions on how to help with some of life's every day stuff that I feel has an issue.

 

[cattsrangels2]

Welcome Bodacious,

I'm new here too. I've found a lot of caring and supportive people here.