T Came With Me To My Dads Grave

[Panda Bear]

He joined me yesterday morning for an hour. In the cold, in the rain, he stood beside me and we talked, a lot.

It was an amazing experience, and I'm so thankful for his willingness to step out of his normal methods. So much I wish I could convey to everyone, but this one fulfilled request changed so many things yesterday.

When we were done, we had a regular office visit. We kept on working on the day surrounding my dads suicide. Oh, how deeply painful it was to finally put words to what I saw that day. T had been pushing(in a good way) for me to please just try and verbalized what took place. That day haunts me, my memories and nightmares are so fresh and vivid right now. And through the grace of God, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked him through what I saw, felt and remembered that day. Tears streaming down my face, I retold and retold my secrets. 40min after I stared, I put my hands over my eyes and sobbed. Took a deep breathe, he walked me through becoming present again and we were done.

2hrs of me taking a risk on a guy, putting all my eggs in one basket, 3.5yrs of trust building, and I did it. I succeeded in verbalizing that day.

 

[TXbandit]

That took so much courage!!! :hug: if you accept.

 

[Suzetig]

My goodness, I can feel how hard that was from your writing - such a very brave thing to do but it sounds so healing.

 

[Ejectionseatfixr-ESF]

Simply beautiful. Really great if him to take time out for you that way.

 

[shimmerz]

I am just going to say the first thing that came to my mind while I was reading your post.

Holy shit Panda! You and your T absolutely ROCK!

 

[AnnaLost]

I'm a writer, and words fail me. Your pain and strength, and hope for healing, shine.

 

[Panda Bear]

There really is no way for me to explain how amazing he really is. If you only knew what I've put him through over the years, the shell of a person I used to be. I was a total basket case and he may have been in over his head a few times. But we both stuck it out, and built a solid, trusting relationship.

He has learned, researched, read, learned more, changed, adapted, excelled, remained paitent, mostly calm(he is human), admitted when he was wrong, when he had hurt me, asked for my forgiveness, and I have too. He has sat in silence, in love, in hope, in great compassion, empathy and hurt too. He has supported, and attempted to build trust from a deeply hurt and wounded person. He has waited, let me fall, picked me up a hundred times and never batted an eye. He has praised when I rejected him, he pushed when I shoved....

We are both pretty fricking awesome.

 

[shimmerz]

What an incredible testament ^^^^^

Gives me shivers. Truly.

 

[Panda Bear]

Writing this out has made me realize what exactly took place and the magnitude of what I did yesterday.

Good lord, no wonder I was so tied!

 

[Kailani]

I hope your bravery pays off in many ways!!!! What a wonderful therapist!

 

[Rumors]

Very few things move me and your post just did. I have to say it gives me hope... Thanks for sharing. I hope you found some peace in your journey.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Breath-taking, thank you for sharing.