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T forgets things

#13
I think we had been working “well” overall, in the sense that I have been in therapy overall for five years now so it’s much easier to not get as wobbly and upset over things and more likely to bring them up. She says she is experienced in trauma and dissociation and tends to work long term with patients. So I don’t think her forgetting has anything to do with that.
I think her forgetting probably has more to do with not focusing and not paying true attention coupled with my monotone talking and dissociation in sessions.... we have never met in person due to the pandemic and this maybe has made it harder for us to “connect”. I guess I am more upset by her saying that I am just focusing on these minor things she forgets rather than her owning up and saying “yes I forgot and I shouldn’t have”. If it’s something that she feels that she doesn’t even have to change or make better. How do you work with someone that doesn’t even remember you are married after 40 sessions of work?
I was trying to talk to her about it but my dissociation was extreme and heavy in session today, so all I could mumble was half sentences. I just feel like I have given up on our relationship now and don’t know how to resolve it. If she thinks it’s ok for her to forget such things then I don’t know if I can work with that?
She says I am just afraid of the connection and I am finding these faults in her to keep disconnected.
I have contacted another therapist, but I am finding it hard to find someone who accept my insurance.
She was also typing some stuff and sending some email? To someone at the beginning of one of our sessions which upset me, but then she apologized so made me feel like at least she knew that that’s wrong/not nice, but the forgetting thing she keeps saying it’s ok?
Since this accident she has started taking notes regularly in sessions which makes me feel awkward as I feel like I shouldn’t “complain”.
I want to truly find a way out of this. I just don’t know how to?

I do want to mention that this does hit on a core issue for me. I have always felt invisible, forgetful and kind of accepted that that was me and my role. Therapy made me feel seen at times which was surprising. So now I feel like in order to do long term therapy I need to work with someone who’s willing to somewhat see me?
Your time = her attention because it your money and you signing on and showing up to do the work that pays her bills. And when called on her shit...she should not blow you off and say it's your minor issues......I don't see that as professional. You have a problem? That's why you are there. To talk about problems, learn to handle problems, and a good T will own their own stuff, care about your feelings, and try to see your perspective-and make reasonable adjustments if needed. I think everyone to some extent, looks for faults in their T for similar reasons...distance....and boundaries with T....are important. I'd keep looking around for someone qualified. I went through several T's until I found one that clicked and I interviewed them first by phone, and then in person..... like I was hiring them to do a really important job (messing w my head is an important job) .....I mentally put them on "probation" so if it wasn't a good match, I could walk. I found that online, their description didn't always match their training or level of proficiency....even if the trauma box and dissociative disorders box was checked. I also tried to find someone who appeared as smart or....smarter than me. Good luck there!
 
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