T Is Thinking I Have Bipolar Disorder Too.

[Lady of Longbourn]

When my T first told me he thinks I might be bipolar a few sessions ago, I shook it off. I mean society looks at bipolar has = crazy. When he mentioned it again last session, I closed up. And for the first time with him, I wanted to run! If I had an appointment with him the next day I wouldn't have gone. I was/ am freaked out.

I was very irritable about it, I couldn't tell my husband. I was afraid too. What would he think? "I'm married to a crazy person!" ?!

I worried, then I read about it...thought I don't have that. Read about it some more. Bipolar 2 fits me. Shit. History of mental illness in the family, have PTSD ( having one disorder increases your chance of another). People tend to first develop it in the early adulthood.

I'm sorry, my post is so unorganized. I'm emotional.

I want a hug. :(

 

[intothelight]

Hi Ayesha,

I am sorry you are upset.

((((Hugs))))

ITL

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

thank you for the hugs that actually make me want to cry, reading that.

I'm so emotional.

 

[anni]

I know you trust your T, so it must hit hard. It's a good idea not to instantly think this is the case, though. It might or might not be, you don't know at the moment. If it is, bi-polar is *only* this dreadful diagnosis because it's been portrayed that way societally, you know? It really, really is not translated as 'crazy'- that's the overlay of the sensationist press, and the stone-cold ignorant. It's treatable, too-please, you're such a genuinely lovely, loving person-do tool around and just read some GOOD, solid facts on bi-polar disorder. If you have it, it's not untreatable nor do people with it end up living unproductive lives across the board. Your T only suggested it , so perhaps you do not. You know our PTSD wired brain just loves to go straight to the very, very worst, most abysmal scenario it can conjure up, which is what it's doing at the moment.

That's also a kind of important diagnosis, you know? If you have the energy, it might be an idea to look around for a second opinion, as with any important diagnosis. I had a very good ortho, who just plain missed something rather major so I tolled around for a good 5 years thinking this pain was inevitable and normal. Ahem. I was persuaded to seek another opinion and boy, did he EVER miss something! I do not wish to shake your trust in your T, Ayesha, it's just that it's important to have all the facts one can, from all the sources one can, you know?

Anyone would be emotional with all this to deal with, PTSD or no. You're worth a lot of hugs, so hope one more won't make you cry. :)

Hugs,

Anni

 

[curiouser]

Ayesha, (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

My sister is bipolar, has been since she was a teen, she's on medication for it and seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Once her meds were figured out correctly she's been able to live a pretty normal life. She's married now, has tons of amazing friends, and a great job as an assistant editor for a magazine. I've heard that the condition often times get's better with age, my sister has mentioned this as well. She said that now in her mid 30's, things have greatly improved for her from what they were in her 20's and teen years.

I hope you are able to feel better soon Ayesha.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thanks everyone...

I am going to get a 2nd opinion. He also said I should tell my psychiatrist, that he would "know more about it.." then my T. And you are right Anni, it is portrayed as that on TV and stuff. I can already imagine my father's face if he finds out...he WOuLd think I'm crazy. B/c he's a ass.

I did look it up. After reading about it, I calmed down. But right now, I just feel like "that's one more thing on my plate!" I get stressed so easily...this is stressing me. I wanted to start school, to start life. And now this! Its not the end, but it slows me down. I don't want to slow down. Or give in. I want to show everyone I can do something, that I am not an idiot. Sorry...going on.

I know there's a saying..." one day at a time." I think for me ( and maybe most people here) it should be "one hour at a time." !

 

[kers]

I understand being scared about the diagnosis. It's good you are checking with the psychiatrist, too. The best thing about this, though, might be that your treatment plan can be changed and you will feel better overall. Getting a diagnosis is nothing more than naming a set of symptoms so that treatment providers know how to help you. (I know, that sounds a bit crap, but I am beginning to believe it). You don't have to tell anybody about it if you don't want to. It's your diagnosis, your information, your choice to share. Having a label like this affixed to your chart doesn't change how your therapist sees you. You had these symptoms months ago. He's just put a name to them.

I know you're scared. It is scary. But your T and psychiatrist can walk you through it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I called the psychiatrist b/c I already had an appointment on the 22nd. They want me to see his nurse, b/c a few months ago the guy almost had a heart attack, so his doc told him to take it easy. I understand. But I really think that my reaction to my antidepressant should be told to the psychiatrist not his nurse. Right? I mean its a serious thing...giving the wrong meds can make it WORSE.

When I took those meds, with in a week I noticed... I started having a hypomania phase, it was awful! And I went to see my T during that time ( the 2nd or maybe the 3rd time he told me I might be bipolar) I could even finish sentences b/c I was all over the place.

At one point it was actually funny b/c I was talking and stopped. My T is like " Okay, you were talking...and now ( he's watching me) your're looking at the wall? What's so interesting?" I couldn't write, my voice was all funny. When I was driving I was getting distracted, I would look at other cars, or colors. The sun, the sky. Anything. I was also tired, but my body was so...exicted, like jumping everywhere. I have felt like this before, but I think my T was thinking that would happen b/c he kept asking about my meds...and told me the connection between the meds and bipolar.

There's lots more...but, I don't want to go on. But anyway...that's one of the reason he's worried because a lot of times when you take antidepressant's and that happens..its because you have bipolar disorder.

But it explains a lot. Things that were happening I didn't understand. Like my sleeping pattern, my pacing everything...and my racing thoughts. My moods.

 

[James B.]

Hello Ayesha, thank you for sharing your story.

I have posted a video below from an amazing source on bipolar; Sean Blackwell's Bipolar Or Waking up. If you are interesting in viewing some of Sean's video's (on YouTube) they should help you understand if you are bipolar, or not. They definitely helped me understand that I am not. Bipolar or Waking Up is also affiliated with New Light Beings, a popular web site for people living with bipolar.

I came across Sean Blackwell's videos, because he talks a fair bit about high instance of trauma in people diagnosed with bipolar (and Schizophrenia). His videos are awesome. He has lots of of advice, personal experiences healing his bipolar, and explanations of what he (and others) believe bipolar is.

I picked this video kind of random, he's got many, they're all good, IMO. Best wishes, Ayesha.

 

[James B.]

Hello again Ayesha, this is part one of the above video and perhaps a better place to start.

Once again, I encourage anyone who's every been dual diagnosed, or mis-diagnosed to view a number of Mr.Blackwell's videos. He works full time helping people heal bipolar, and has helped a number of them recover.

 

[anni]

Oh Lord, James, you just distracted the bejeesis out of me with just seeing the freeze-frame of Dubya in connection with this. If ever there were a segment of a political mindset which consistantly pretty much denies the existance ( or at least the seriousness ) of mental disorders ( hence the need to finance the treatments ) it would be the one he represents.

Ayesha, HEE! 'Bc he's an ass.' You might be feeling quite awful but you have the ability to take THAT stand, and mean it, which is a sort of power on your part. It also made me smile since it was put so inarguably!

I know this must all be terribly confusing for you, which must make the anxiety and fear worse but do try not to over-think things? For example, losing one's track in session like that could also be disassociating, which I do HORRIBLY when under stress with zero question of bi-polar diagnosis hanging over my head. If the pieces do fit together for you, and it feels comforting hence correct that's one thing, but it's another to further upset yourself by allowing that PTSD 'thing' we all do of jumping right to the worst possible interpretation, you know? Until you do know more, be kind to yourself, that's all and assume only that you have PTSD-everyting else at this point is conjecture. Meds ARE terribly powerful things, it sounds as if your care is NOT cohesive due to your doc's heart attack and an awful lot of lack of communication all around, really.

I loved curiouser's letting you know of a relative who is bipolar who is asst. editor of a magazine, do you KNOW what a frenetic job that is?? Whew and more whew and proof of someone who not only is treated but probably channeled the energy into focused creativity and action.

This is getting long so please excuse? You're just such an open, friendly person who has shared SO much with me it feels like maybe it's not too intrusive to suggest this? You said you were afraid to tell your husband. I can see why BUT if he's IT, and at his level he's also one of 'those' terribly analytical, linear thinkers capable of processing facts just plain beautifully. That translates into comforting for us! I only know this because my husband is a chemist, who runs the IT at his lab-same thinking patterns. It's possible yours can run all this through that highly trained brain of his and help you come to a better undersanding all-around. Even suggesting this, however, feels a little like intruding in the dynamics of your marraige so will shush now. It was just a thought based on living with some whose ability to DO that has helped me a great deal and still does on a regular basis.

Hugs for today, Ayesha, and let us know if there's anything 'we' can do to help as you sort through all this, ok?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I loved curiouser's letting you know of a relative who is bipolar who is asst. editor of a magazine, do you KNOW what a frenetic job that is?? Whew and more whew and proof of someone who not only is treated but probably channeled the energy into focused creativity and action.

Hugs for today, Ayesha, and let us know if there's anything 'we' can do to help as you sort through all this, ok?

Gosh Anni. You always say sooo much in your posts, that I have no idea how to reply.

Waiting is a good idea. Wait and See. I see my T tomorrow and we can talk about it. But I see about curiouser's sister, because i need to learn how to channel energy. I have lots lots lots of it most of the time. No idea where to put it.

Told my husband, that I might be bipolar. He's okay with it. He is like a "i'll deal with it when it comes" guy. and I am a deal-with-it-now-because- i-finally-see-why-i-act-like-this-and-it-makes-sense,-feel-like-the-world-will-crash-down-on-me-but-at-the-same-time-just-so-damn-happy-to-know-WHY! kind of person!

lol. one hour at a time, right?? So I'll work on a painting. :)