T will never know

[WishfulThinking123]

I understand how you feel and wanting your t to care...I sometimes feel that way to, it's nice to have someone show caring for such personal situations and experiences in your life. However, this could be very dangerous and I think your t probably does take you very seriously. I don't know why she wouldn't take what you say seriously, I know sometimes it is VERY difficult to express how you feel verbally. Sometimes I really want to say something to my t but, I physically cannot make my mouth move and say it. Another option is to write a very raw, no holding back letter to your t explaining exactly how you feel and give it to her at your next appointment. That will most likely open up communication and make you feel better for opening up like that to someone. Also, it may be better just to email it to her if you think you might be too scared to hand it to her. Sometimes, I get nervous at the last second if I bring in something for my t to read but, whenever I do share it I always feel better and relieved that I did.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

If she barely knows you and you aren't being cruel why do you think it hurts her?

I don't know I guess the word cruel just rubs me the wrong way

 

[Deadman]

OK. So if I hear you right you don't want to be cruel, you don't want to hurt your T, and you don't really want to die.

What is it you really want?

 

[desiderata310]

It sounds like you have some very confused and intense feelings surrounding your therapist. These are things that should be TALKED out and not ACTED out. The funny thing about attempts is that sometimes they can maim permanently or be fatal.
Taking an overdose in order to get someone to FEEL or ACT a certain way is not the way to get what you want.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I understand how you feel and wanting your t to care...I sometimes feel that way to, it's ni...

I guess I could do that... She's usually good with email, it just so uncomfortable to be raw and honest. I guess a part of me just wants to end it all as well. I fantasize about it alot, but don't have the guts to do it so I figure if I attempt and call 911 right away it will be a step closer, it'll be like testing the waters. I know it's a selfish thing to do but Im tired of living a ghost like existence. But I don't think im in danger cause I see it similar to being in a crowded movie theatre. You see the exit sign on the emergency exit door, you think about using it and leaving the theatre, setting the alarm off. But you never actually do it. There's something about just looking and thinking about the exit door that's comforting.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

OK. So if I hear you right you don't want to be cruel, you don't want to hurt your T, and you don't rea...

To express my pain cause I can't find the right words

 

[WishfulThinking123]

The first time being raw and honest is always the hardest...I understand how you feel. I have a lot of problems with vulnerability and I often feel as if my true self is locked in a cage deep inside of me and with every bad event I go further inside. However, starting to be vulnerable with your therapist is a really good thing because, it is with someone who is not there to judge you but rather help you. How can she help you if she doesn't have all of the missing pieces?

 

[Deadman]

So you think you hurt your T but you don't express your pain because you can't find the words?

Maybe if you worried less about your T and a little more about yourself? Try one or two words? Try writing things down?

I know its hard to speak sometimes but most Ts understand. And most of us here do as well.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

It sounds like you have some very confused and intense feelings surrounding your therapist. These...

Yeah I agree I do.. She's like the mother that I wish I had. Knowing her and seeing her every week is triggering because it's a constant reminder of what I ache for deep inside. The painful part is that she's really not my mother. She could be nicer to me but that in itself hurts me to the bone. She is triggering. Her kindness is triggering. Intimacy is triggering.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Yeah I agree I do.. She's like the mother that I wish I had. Knowing her and seeing her every week is trigg...

*She couldn't be nicer to me

 

[Friday]

It not only cruel, it's manipulative as blazes; and moreover likely to get you the opposite of what you want.

Deliberately hurting someone to provoke a reaction from them or someone else.

Deliberately hurting someone = cruel
To provoke a reaction from them = manipulative.

Why it's likely to fail? Good therapists are not only trained to not be easily manipulated, but they're trained not to reward that kind of behavior. Hurting yourself to get your therapists attention? Is more likely to see you transferred to a different therapist (or inpatient program), and cut off entirely from the person you want more attention from. Repeatedly. Until you can learn to stop trying to manipulate others with threats of injury & death.

Threats in this case NOT meaning "Coo over me & lavish me with attention or I'll hurt myself" but hurting yourself in order to try and get them to do that without asking.

If you want attention from your therapist? Or anyone else for that matter? There are FAR better ways to do it than threatening them.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

It not only cruel, it's manipulative as blazes; and moreover likely to get you the opposite of wh...

Gee, thanks for your kind words. Im really glad I posted tonight. I feel soooo much better about myself.