Taking A Deep Breath And Diving In...

[Phoenix_Rising]

In the shallow end of the pool, because right now I am just really afraid. And also I posted somewhere else (which is generally a supportive site) and only one person answered and no one seemed to really relate or understand what I was going through--and it was hard to post at all. I have since learned, through research online, that the feelings I was having and am having, are pretty typical in covert incest, and covert sexual abuse. But that is about as far as I can really accept anything, and I don't really know if I am just crazy for feeling how I do anyway.

I am also really struggling with this so it's hard to write about, even think about.

That is how I came upon this site, actually, was I was researching CI & CovertSA and came upon a thread in this forum, and people seemed to be pretty supportive and understanding. I don't need to feel any crazier than I already do, needless to say, and I'm terrified of even asking anyone (online, but even my partner and therapist) if that is what this is. And they both ARE supportive. I'm afraid it is, for obvious reasons (at least I think they would be) and I'm afraid it isn't and I'm just crazy and there's something wrong with me for these feelings that have recently come up that I have never been able to feel before, didn't even know they were there. I have always had great difficulty feeling anything about my father, I have spent the last 14 years in therapy basically numb.

My last session was very difficult and unleashed a lot of pent up emotions which I have been processing since my appt on Friday (and during the appt). It is better than it was (considerably) but I am still far from OK since all this happened. It's just I'm not drowning in it so much any more since I have spent 2 1/2 days processing the emotions.

Anyway... for now that is all I can post, just enough to see if any one will understand.

Not really wanting to open myself up to another experience like the last one, when I was so vulnerable. Still am, although that was the first day so it was worse as the feelings were so strong, and I was so afraid.

Thanks for reading :)

Rising_Phoenix

 

[KP the nut]

That is how I came upon this site, actually, was I was researching CI & CovertSA and came upon a thread in this forum

Hi Phoenix and welcome.

I'm sorry I don't understand what CI & CovertSA is, could you explain?

This forum is very supportive with wonderful articles and information. I hope you find what you need.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Sorry, lol, I mentioned them by full name earlier in the post so I figured people would know, and also online people often refer to sexual abuse as SA so I thought people would know. Of course, this being a forum for PTSD now that I think about it, it would not necessarily be so clear to people. CI = covert incest, CovertSA = covert sexual abuse, which I specified as covert since CSA usually means child sexual abuse. So hope that clears things up for everyone :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Phoenix, thank you. I can be a bit slow on the uptake :rolleyes:.

It is hard to write as you did. Be proud of yourself for doing that. Take your time looking around and ask any questions you need to.

((HUGS)) if you accept them
KP

 

[maddog]

Hi Phoenix. I think that feeling as though you are crazy or going crazy is an all too common symptom of any significant or chronic trauma. I have found that even knowing this and hearing the experiences of others who share this horrible fear, can somehow help to ease it.

You will find many supportive, empathic, fellow non-crazy people here, and I have found this to be a safe and diverse place where people are free to challenge and to express their feelings, hopes, fears etc.

I hope you will have the same experience here.

Maddog

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

KP & Maddog,

Thank you for the much-needed support and reassurance, I really appreciate it, especially right now because I am feeling very alone in this. And quite fearful of how people are going to react to what I am going through, it seems to have made me feel more vulnerable than I have in quite a long time.

It helps to know that I am not alone. I can't remember feeling as lost as I do right now, in my adult life.

I was flooding from Friday to Sunday, now I seem to have flipped over to feeling like even if I want to, I can't think about it. I don't know whether to push through that or not. Or if I should just assume that is a protective function, and let it be till my next appointment, which is on Friday. I wish Christmas was not coming up because it likely means I will miss a week (at least) of therapy and right now I kind of feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails between appointments.

Thanks again :)

Phoenix_Rising