Boundaries are not about changing her behavior, they're about what you will and will not tolerate. Like "I will not tolerate the berating, lashing out and verbal abuse. If she does that, I will leave the situation until she decides she wants to talk to me like a human being." Or "I will not tolerate her financially destroying my family or her misuse of money while I am the sole breadwinner. If she continues to do so, I will cut her off." It's not "YOU have to stop spending money!!" or "YOU need to stop yelling at me. It's a "if xyz happens, *I* will do abc" statement. You cannot control anybody's behavior but your own, so boundaries are your own personal limits. She has the choice to respect your boundary or not.
This.
Boundaries are what you do. If she yells, I will walk away. If she throws something I will go to a hotel. Etc. Each and every single time. If this? Then I DO that. It's about what I'm willing to tolerate.
***
A note on cutting someone off financially. Unless you do this through the courts, you will need to keep VERY good records of it.
Past
1. Document the 16k. Not down to the penny, but be able to back up that she spent it, and where it went. For example if 15k went towards medical expenses? Then that's not justifiable, for cutting someone off, as she was only actually living off of 1k over 6mo. If 8k went to food, 4k to clothes, 2k misc., & 2k normal living expenses? Then that's justifiable.
((My ex tried to use my paying my son's medical bills as gross mishandling of family finances & justification in cutting me off. In the beginning, because of the numbers involved, the judge was very much on his side. Right up until I handed over the documentation on what I spent the money ON, and how little I'd actually had to live off of, for years. I'm
NOT saying you're doing this, or not justified in cutting her off. I've just spent a great deal of time in court around this issue, because my then-husband cut me off. So when you do so? Expect to be challenged as being financially abusive, and be able to prove you're not.))
Present
2. Budget out everything, and give both
yourself and your wife the exact same amount of spending money. When you cut someone off? You cannot leave them with nothing, or it IS abusive. It doesn't matter if you buy everything they "need" for them. So budget out the bills, groceries/household expenses, savings, & take what's left and split it in half into yours & hers. If need be, if your bills exceed your income? Spend the money to have a financial planner / CPA do this, so it's all above board. Not so that you both have "nothing" (even in bankruptcy funds are split so that there is money for food / transportation/ EVEN entertainment/ etc.), but so that you both have a reasonable amount of living money, and your bills are being paid down. It may seem like an impossible expense when you're already in the hole, but it will save you 10s of thousands of dollars, and possible felony criminal charges (as some states take spousal abuse very seriously), and it doesn't matter that they "earned" being cut off. You can't cut them off, unless you divorce them OR follow the above professionally paid out budget, repayment plan, & individual allowances; or you will be charged with spousal abuse, and also have to pay your wife back income withheld.
((In my case the courts ordered my ex to pay me a little over 40k of withheld monies, in addition to alimony, child support, all household bills for 2 years, & 75% of community assets. Because they did the math on what he earned, and what he "allowed" me to have access to. I didn't actually get any of the money, I horse traded it for custody / I DGAF about the money, just wanted my son, he DGAF about our son, just wanted the money. But on paper, that's what the courts ordered he pay, or face several years in jail & a felony record. They didn't care about the domestic violence & child abuse, but the financial abuse they had solid numbers to work off of, and they didn't make it punitive, but they did make it reparative.))
