Relationship Terrified / Obsessed With The Fear Of Being Widowed

[anonymous]

I've become terrified to the point of obsession of the idea of being widowed.

My husband has combat PTSD. He is often passively suicidal. On one occasion since we have been together he was actively suicidal. i talked him down over the telephone. It was an awful awful experience for me.

He always says he hasn't got long to live and that he wil die long before I do. He has had a number of tropical diseases picked up whilst on deployments. He thinks they have weakened his heart and will affect his life expectancy. I could not find and evidence to support this. (Dr Google - I know - not exactly scientific!) But also his medical checkups have never shown any problems with his heart.

The fact is that he is ten years older than me. Even leaving aside his tropical diseases and suicidal ideation, statistically he IS likely to die before me.

I guess when I was younger the idea was too abstract to bother me. I'm only in my mid-forties but it now seems real.

I adore my husband. I have no idea how I would cope without him. But I feel like I'm borrowing trouble from tomorrow here.

Any ideas on how to put this in perspective? Is it a delayed reaction to having to talk him down from a fairly serious suicide attempt? He had the means and he was saying goodbye to me on the phone. I've never told a living soul about it out of respect for his privacy.

Any suggestions on what is going on here?

 

[Gs172003]

Gosh I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Is he getting help?

 

[Justmehere]

It could be reaction to the trauma of a loved one almost dying. It could also be other things going on as well. Facing a shortened life expectancy for a loved one is hard too.

Have you thought about talking with a counselor about what you are struggling with?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

No suggestions, just wanted to let you know you've been heard and are supported.

 

[Gs172003]

I've become terrified to the point of obsession of the idea of being widowed.

My husband has combat...

Also know that from things I have read expecting to have a shorter life can be a symptom of PTSD. Doesn't mean it's true, he just thinks it is.

 

[illusionist]

Ermmm my partner has a shorter life expectancy....he's 9 years older than me and I face fear of losing him before my time is out.

It is what it is, in it?

 

[illusionist]

Please excuse.....misread!!!!!

 

[anonymous]

@illusionist - no need to apologise. I think you're right - it is what it is.

But I hate it. I have no idea how I will cope.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is scary. I hate suicide talk. I know my vet has been suicidal at times, so I hate ideation and suicide threats. I hate when he asks me for permission to kill himself.

He also talks about dying early because of a number of medical issues he has... problems with his GI tract from blast compression injuries, spots on his lungs (that aren't cancerous) from the toxic burn pit he patrolled past several times a week for a year.

Then there are the medical conditions that will, according to him, mean game over. He'll go out "on his own terms." Like Alzheimer's (greater risk from multiple TBIs, one of which was severe enough to give him cognitive and memory problems in itself). Or if his mobility deteriorates to the point of being in a wheelchair. Or if his pain can't be managed any more.

He says he'll be lucky to make it to 50.

I hate, capital H, hate that shit. Of all his PTSD symptoms, the suicidal ideation and death talk is the absolute f*cking worst for me as a supporter. I'd rather him rip me a new asshole any time.

 

[Sighs]

I agree with @Sweetpea76. It's the absolute worst symptom for a supporter to deal with.

Nothing hurts quite like hearing the man you love more than anything say "I wish they'd blown my head off in Afghanistan".

 

[Friday]

I usually resort to threats of extreme and graphic physical violence.

Mostly because it makes me feel better. Also, in part, because it's true... At least to the extent of I might not actually be able to bring them back 3 or 4 times to do to them what I'm threatening to do to them... But I've brutally mangled corpses before. And when they piss me off to that extent I'm usually more than willing -in the moment- to add them to the list. :shifty:

I hate, loathe, despise threats against the people that I love.

***

Spoiler: My own brand of stupid.

To be fair, however, it always kind of shocks me when someone else objects to my own death, or the idea of it. "I might just want to have a say in that." :O_o: What? Why? Blink. Blink. Oh. Right. ...Really? Huh. ((Lunatic. Woulda figured you'd have wised up by now. You aren't usually stupid. >>> Few months later. Seriously??? They still feel that way? SMH. Strange. >>> Rinse lather repeat.))

So while it makes perfect sense for me to go all Don't you f*cking dare... It's never really ever made sense for that to reverse. Dude. You would be 12 kinds of better off. I can grok intellectually that it would/might be the case, but in the moment it's always shocking/doesn't process right. Like being told I'm in Singapore or HongKong or something. No I'm not. What? Huh? Go to window. That's weird. I went to sleep in SanDiego & woke up... What? I'm missing something, here.

 

[joeylittle]

Is it a delayed reaction to having to talk him down from a fairly serious Suicide attempt? He had the means and he was saying goodbye to me on the phone. I've never told a living soul about it out of respect for his privacy.

Can you get some therapy for yourself, to have a space where you can work through both this event and your current feelings? I don't know that it's a delayed reaction that you're having - but that phone call would have been very real and very terrifying. Since you've not been able to speak about it before, maybe the feelings you're having now can be a catalyst for some good help and healing.

Death is a fact of life. But, all the more reason to be able to fully live the time you have with your husband. I'm sure it would help you, to have a place to release these feelings with a 3-D person, so they weren't such a backpack of anxiety for you to carry all the time.