Texted my therapist and told her I don't want to get better

[EveHarrington]

....there’s no guarantee that you don’t take the pain with you into the next realm after you die.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @RuffledFeathers - there isn't very much about your OP that doesn't scream DEPRESSION and right now I would put money on it that it is not being managed at all well. That doesn't mean it has to stay that way. It is a monster of a disorder to get through and I completely believe you when you feel you have endured almost a lifetime with it.

When we look at our life in total score value's as you have done, the depressed mind will gleefully and capably find all the negative numbers and crush anything and everything positive that has happened in our lives. But your life isn't a scoreboard. There would be heaps of stuff that is totally and unequivocally positive in your life. Right now they are not adding up to much but that is a feeling - not a truth.

I agree with other members here - it would be good if you could vent your feelings out, preferably verbally, to your therapist and soon.

I'd also suggest an appointment with your GP to ask for a referral to a psycdoc for some further assistance. Failing this request an assessment be done for treatment as an inpatient where something can be done to help you.

Medications might be of assistance or as in my case, I cannot tolerate antidepressant medications (and they do not work either).

I have noticed depression is generally cyclic, or it will be worse than usual or triggered by things that start me on the downward dive into hell. So I need some support during those times. I am not always really able to ask nor have people who are capable of giving help. But at least I do know it is cyclic and if I can hang on it does pass. I know it does pass and it becomes less dense (?) So I wait for that time to come.

SI every day isn't necessarily something to get upset about. I think about it probably every day but that is a far cry from actively planning. I usually think about it for a moment or two and think 'oh f**k it' and get on with my day. I guess there must be degrees of SI and a lot would depend on how much time you are actually spending on this.

Your post really screams out for connection with someone who gets ptsd and depression. I'm reaching out to you to say right now I know you feel like crap and it does seem when you look back that your whole life has been crap.

I challenge you to find one thing a day when you look into your past that has been good for you, good for another person in your life or good for the world. Can you do this?

Whether you like to hear it or not. You are really important and valuable and there is a way to move past this feeling.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk if it's depression, but I think it's natural to feel depressed when trying to overcome this and feeling you're not able. With what you've tried.

But maybe it's more like, "Idk how to get better', rather than I don't 'want' to? Because not wanting to feel the same, means you want to. Having hope or confidence something will help, is another matter.

I find if some things don't help, then move on and try other things. Doesn't mean you've failed. you just need something different. What/ where/ how, do you feel a little better, or some peace?

:hug: @RuffledFeathers

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

I've been struggling with depression my whole life but these last 7 months have been too much and I'm realizing that I don't have the emotional strength to continue. I simply can't handle everything that happened to me, handle normal life, and handle being alone.
I know everyone chooses their reality and since I've chosen this I've messed up somewhere. I'm just a negative person and I can't keep myself positive. Sometimes, I go through spells with suicidal ideation but I really can't do this anymore. For me the act would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.
I texted my T and told her I just don't want to get better and I'm in too much pain. I don't even want to navigate this pain anymore. I don't want to have to get up everyday and deal with life anymore. All of it is my choice. I'm so exhausted by life. There's no joy. I can't feel joy even when I try to make myself. Nothing feels good. Nothing has felt good for years. I can't think of anything that makes me want to keep fighting this.

Hey ?, I’m sorry things are this dark for you, I’m in a similar situation, haven’t been truly happy since being like 12 years old. Idk if you should think you chose this, I personally believe no one truly chooses their life, the more I live the more I’m coming to realize it’s just out of my hands. Usually when I feel truly just like dead inside it actually makes me feel relieved and kind of less alone to know there are other homosapiens feeling the same way. I know it’s been dark for a long time for you, but aren’t there some slightly less dark days? Moments when you forget your misery? I know for me smoking up ( medical marijuana for H-EDS and fibro) I can not only kill my physical pain a little but my mind also feels lifted, and I catch myself laughing once in a while. Just a thought. May I ask how far along you are, with ending things, or has it not come to that yet? If you are ever there, like you decide to go through with it, try setting a time frame to put it off for, like a week, or if you think you can’t do that, try a day or an hour. Believe me I understand not wanting to be alive anymore, I completely empathize with what you said about too many bad things having happened. That’s exactly how I feel, and I won’t tell you to feel otherwise, not everyone’s pain and load to carry is the same, suffering isn’t dealt out evenly. Just something to keep in mind though, some pretty amazing ppl have been created through suffering, the strength that I have even if ppl can’t see it (I’m not calling myself amazing lol) is mind boggling, just to get through each day, I’ve forgotten my achievements rn, because it’s a dark time for me too, but I almost have 2 degrees, I’ve survived things most ppl can’t imagine, I’ve overcome an eat disorder on my own, I get up each day even rn, if only to shower, and that’s an accomplishment too. Try stepping back, and taking a look at your life from a different perspective, and being kind to yourself. It’s okay that you don’t want to get better rn, I’ve been there too. Just hold on, what do have to loose? I’m sending you much love, virtually lol.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @RuffledFeathers , I was thinking, I remember some of your story (thank you for it).

JMHO- trauma, and ptsd, have a way of eating away at or at the least making it twice as difficult, what is important or taken as easily for granted for many people, and much that they would themselves deem as what makes like worth living: having a purpose; loving and being loved; having quality relationships and interactions; being free from what feels like unmanageable pain, both psychological and physical; having a feeling of a future; being calm or relaxed; succeeding in work or school; feeling you are of value; feeling happy. Even a decent night's sleep.

Just surviving what you have is already Huge. It's not going to unfold like other people's lives who have not survived what you have, not perhaps in the same ways or the same timeline. You must be gentle with yourself, since so few others have.

And yes- I get it doesn't feel like you have value, But that's part of why people with out trauma aren't faced to handle (all) the same other things, or challenges, or at the same intensity, or cost. It's like ink that bleeds in to everything, and takes a lot of effort and help and baby steps to try to wash out. It really breaks your heart, never mind body, soul and spirit.

Hugs to you, though we haven't met ('in person'). :hug:

 

[grit]

I feel your pain. I am sorry you are struggling this much and this deep. It is hard. No one will say depression is walk in the park...it is more like in the ocean and no sight of shore.

I do not have solution but I am sending you a message to say...I have been there and I got lucky to find the shore. I hope you too.

sending you hope!

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ruffledfeathers. Do check in and let us know that you are "Ok" . Take care,

 

[Tinyflame]

I like your words from August:

I realize I let the twisted actions of other people shape my reality for the entirety of my life so far... Just because my fate would have that I be born into a slew of abusive people doesn't mean I can't be loving or be loved back. I really feel like I just exited someone else's hell. .

I Realize That I

:hug:

 

[Kopykat]

@RuffledFeathers how are you doing today?

I agree w others about taking some more steps for treatment. I understand where you’re at, when you just want it all to stop and there seems to be no point. It’s all too much. Depression lies to you. It makes things so much more difficult, it will tell you new treatments won’t work, there’s no hope, things will never get better, etc. I’ve been in that dark fog you’re in, only a few months ago really. You’re going to need help to get out of it. It might be meds, it might be more chat time w your therapist, it might inpatient or a partial program...just something to help you get back on your feet. I know it feels like an impossible and pointless task, but it’s worth trying. The darkness doesn’t last forever. You just need some help with this bout to find the light again and that’s absolutely ok. I’m sure you’re exhausted.

 

[frogthroat]

Got taken to the psychward by cops from my job last Tuesday and I just got out. My therapist told the social worker my mom abused me and the social worker told my mom on the phone. I had to deny it to my mom. I never wanted this to happen. It was a horrible prison. They put me on Cymbalta which I'm not going to continue. I'm going to see the therapist a couple times this week just so it looks good and then I'm going to ask how much I owe and pick up the meds just so the doctor sees I picked it up. No one is ever going to imprison me like an animal again. Luckily, I still have my job but upper management knows I went to 2nd floor. I will probably never get promoted or anything again.
If there's one thing I learned no matter how bad it gets I still have my freedom and no one's going to tell me how to feel. No one's going to punish me for being depressed by imprisoning me on a psychward. Never again will I reach out for help. I will find someway through it. Thanks for all the replies.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @RuffledFeathers - I understand what you are saying. Psych wards especially if you are sectioned are frightening and horrible places to be. They are there only to provide a place that is as safe as possible for people who cannot manage their own mental health. I am very pleased you are out of there now. :hug:

What caused the Police to come to your work?

I will probably never get promoted or anything again.

^^You don't know this.

What is most important is that you are well enough to be released and can enjoy your freedom.

Why are you going to stop the medication? Do you think they are not working? Were you told how long you would need to take them to find out if they will benefit you?

 

[EveHarrington]

Never again reach out for help?

Do you really think that is going to get you far?

I hope that you now understand that dropping text bombs on your therapist is not the way to get help.

I don’t know the exact nature of what you said, but it must have been enough to scare her into calling the police. (Did she call you back? Did you respond?)

I think it would be good to know the right way to reach out for help.

I’m lucky that there is a private psych hospital just 10 minutes away, surrounded by rolling hills and farmland so it doesn’t feel like a general hospital psych ward. In my next therapy session I’m going to ask my therapist about the procedure for getting a direct admit (even in days she doesn’t work) as she can do the referral since she works for the same mental health organization. Planning ahead means I can get the right help that I need instead of being forced into intake at the local ER.

I think that you’re in protection mode right now. I hope you can let down your defenses and reach out for help.

I also think that you should REALLY consider going on medication given how serious things are right now.