Texted my therapist and told her I don't want to get better

[Kopykat]

@RuffledFeathers hey, glad to hear you are back with us. I am sorry you had such a bad experience with the psych unit. They certainly can be overwhelming and traumatic. I agree with Eve and think you may be in protective/survival mode so you’re shutting down from everyone so they don’t hurt you or put you in a situation you don’t want to be in. I get that. It might be worthwhile to take a step back and consider your options here. If you chose to not continue w your current therapist, will you find a new one? Why not continue the medication if things aren’t going too well?

As far as work goes, they legally can’t discriminate against you for mental health, I know they may say other reasons but you can certainly call them on it. Or you can be up front and talk to them about it. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your work but I have been in workplaces that have been very understanding and accommodating and preferred I was honest bc they knew something was going on.

I can imagine you’re overwhelmed and tired. We are all here for you. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

Got taken to the psychward by cops from my job last Tuesday and I just got out. My therapist told the social worker my mom abused me and the social worker told my mom on the phone. I had to deny it to my mom. I never wanted this to happen. It was a horrible prison. They put me on Cymbalta which I'm not going to continue. I'm going to see the therapist a couple times this week just so it looks good and then I'm going to ask how much I owe and pick up the meds just so the doctor sees I picked it up. No one is ever going to imprison me like an animal again. Luckily, I still have my job but upper management knows I went to 2nd floor. I will probably never get promoted or anything again.
If there's one thing I learned no matter how bad it gets I still have my freedom and no one's going to tell me how to feel. No one's going to punish me for being depressed by imprisoning me on a psychward. Never again will I reach out for help. I will find someway through it. Thanks for all the replies.

Hey ? first off, I don’t judge you for your feelings or even beliefs about these types of things, both my mom and my dad especially have been horribly and in ethically treated by so called psychiatric doctors, I would share my dads story, but he explicitly asked me not to, all I can say is that as someone who considers themselves a sort of libertarian and future law student, it enraged me. I’ve also experienced terrible care, once on an eating disorder unit, it was so bad that I also said never again. I really think it’s just the nature of institutions. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find help within the system, the system is made of humans, and I’m sure there’s still a few good ones left. You sound kind of like me, if I dare say so, it’s not a myth, some ppl really do need to do it independently. HOWEVER lol, there’s still ways to get help, without going all in, mostly psychologists are more humane and will deal with you less like science projects than psychiatrists, finding a person that you connect with can be insanely hard but worth it. I’m here, and we’re all anonymous on here, so feel free to contact me, I’m not a professional, but I’m a good listener and I’ll probably be able to understand, as will lots of ppl on here. I really hope you keep fighting.

 

[frogthroat]

If you chose to not continue w your current therapist, will you find a new one? Why not continue the medication if things aren’t going too well?

No and no. I control me and I need to find better ways to deal with things when I get overwhelmed. When you let another person who doesn't really know you share in that you give away your power and to me there's no difference between street drugs and psychiatric medication besides the fact that it's prescribed. There are people who really need it like schizophrenics etc. but I know for me personally much my angst comes from being stagnant and fear of trying new things.
My trauma is always going to be there in the back of my mind. I just have to decide whether or not I let it control me. I don't care how many master's degrees someone has you don't know me as a person and I'm not going to be anyone's lab rat.

 

[blackemerald1]

@RuffledFeathers - I don't believe anyone is suggesting you must take medication or engage in any particular therapy. To say there is no difference between street drugs and psychiatric medication is rubbish.

I think we were all very concerned with the level of despair you communicated here.

My trauma is always going to be there in the back of my mind. I just have to decide whether or not I let it control me

^^This is of course a great idea. How do you propose to do this? Why and how did you allow yourself get so distressed if you believe that ^^ is all you have to decide?

 

[shimmerz]

No one's going to punish me for being depressed by imprisoning me on a psychward.

I totally understand you on this. I too made a commitment that I wouldn't ever allow myself to be hospitalized again. I am guessing your therapist called emergency on you? I am so very sorry this happened to you.

The problem is though that we don't live in a vacuum and regardless of how much I despise the system here (I live in Canada), I recognized when I made that decision that I was going to have to shore up pretty darned quickly if I was going to keep myself balanced. My supporters were behind me 100 percent as well but there was a very large personal responsibility in my maintaining my help without the support of compassionate medical support.

So first, I had to find compassionate medical support. No matter how compassionate they are they are also bound by law to make sure you don't hurt yourself or others. Can't say a word about that. I have feelings about this that I won't share.

Secondly, I made a bunch of plans. Plans to keep me moving during the day. I had to be uber responsible with this. If I started to feel myself sink then I would have a plan written down (in stone) to counterbalance what I knew was coming.

Also, I put together a crisis plan, for when I needed support. How to know I needed it - how to help my supporters support me.

There is more. But please know that your commitment to never land in the hospital again is going to mean that you need to take big time responsibility - minute by minute, second by second - to be watchful, mindful and diligent, as to your daily schedule; commitment to eating well, drinking enough water, moving your body when you feel like lying in bed all day, attending to self care seriously, etc. Generally I need my therapist for this type of guidance. Therapy for me has become the therapist being my wellness coach so I don't get off track. I don't talk about dark stuff with her.

Isolation, especially with depression being in the spotlight, is not a stellar plan.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

to me there's no difference between street drugs and psychiatric medication besides the fact that it's prescribed. There are people who really need it like schizophrenics etc.

I'm sorry but that's simply not true. First, street drugs are not monitored by a physician. They aren't true forums. There can be anything mixed with it and often is. And any illness of any kind could possibly benefit by medication. I am not schizophrenic. I am also not psychotic. But, I take an anti-psychotic (in much lower doses then a psychotic would) and it is a god send for me. Without it, I would not be near as stable as I am today. Without it, I would still be on street drugs and cutting and suicidal ideations daily and likely would have ended up in the psych-ward myself. Not that that's bad or anything. I just personally cannot handle being locked up again.

I think this strike against what the doctor feels is right maybe a power move. A way to control the outside stuff. But, when we feel we must do that, I have found that's when we are most out of control inside.

 

[AliciaEff]

There is more. But please know that your commitment to never land in the hospital again is going to mean that you need to take big time responsibility - minute by minute, second by second - to be watchful, mindful and diligent, as to your daily schedule; commitment to eating well, drinking enough water, moving your body when you feel like lying in bed all day, attending to self care seriously, etc.

I 100% agree with this. It's going to be hard, but you have shown some very worrying signs and that is why your therapist called. They are legally obligated to report when they believe someone might harm themselves and they should have told you that on day one before starting your therapy, so if you keep insisting that you're done trying and someone hears you, they're going to do something about it.

But maybe it's more like, "Idk how to get better', rather than I don't 'want' to? Because not wanting to feel the same, means you want to.

Listen, we're here for you. If you don't want to go to inpatient care, I'm not going to tell you to do so. I also 100% agree with this above quote. You're saying that you don't want to get better because you don't want to do what other people are telling you to do, but you DO want things to change. You are not satisfied living life the way you are living it and you see two options: follow orders or kill yourself. Those are not the only two options. You don't want meds? Okay, fine. You don't like therapy? Sure, but we are here giving you options that don't involve follwing orders.

1. Write down EVERY good thing that happens each day. Every. Little. Thing. You woke up? Good, write that down. You put on clean clothes? Good, write that down. You went to work? Amazing. Like honestly, when you mentioned that you were taken from work I was like "Whaaaaaa you are still able to get up every day and work even when you are battling such a terrible illness right now?" That's AMAZING. Write that shit down. "I went to work" "I completed a task a work" "I ate lunch" "I said hello to my coworkers" "I made it home" "I read a post on MyPTSD." "I posted on MyPTSD" "I went to bed" You can keep a separate notebook or write this on scrap paper and keep it in a box. You can re-read it later or just look at the volume of paper you have after just a couple days. You do this and you are one large step closer to never going back to inpatient care.

2. Find a self-help book. I have one for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I have it because an outpaitent nurse practitioner suggested it to me. I was only allowed to have 5 sessions with her, and she was the only one who did this therapy with me and I loved it. Some activities seem stupid, so I skip them, or I laugh at them, or I write criticisms in the margins. I have control over this book. Then write on your good list that you bought the book and worked on the book. Use the book a few times a week? Then you're another large step to avoiding inpatient care and following orders.

3. Keep a healthy diet. I know it's hard. It's super hard and can get expensive, but you deserve it. You deserve to be healthy. Drink vitamin water or gatorade with that electrolyte stuff once a day or once a week or something. Make sure to eat fresh vegetables and fruit when you have the option. Try to avoid caffeine, alcohol, and reined sugar (the last one is my downfall). Write down what you've eaten to keep track of things like calorie intake (too much is better than not enough in this situation), then write on your good list that you've eaten food. I drink meal replacement shakes because I am terrible at eating properly and I believe that they have largely contributed to my recent mood improvement, maybe they will work for you too. Omega 3 and 6 are good for battling depression. Things like fish and ground flax are good sources. Keep snacks around like trail mix, good source of protein and fat and you don't need to prepare a meal to eat well... plus you can add candy to them if you want :) Eating better will help you sleep better and make you feel a bit better. PLus you have 100% control over your own food. No one can tell you what to eat because by now you're killing it. You don't need inpatient care, you're eating well and taking charge of your treatment.

4. Exercise. I HATE this part, but some people swear by it. It's supposed to be best to exercise in the morning because it wakes you up, but if you exercise when you can, you're already doing great.

5. Look at these replies to your post. Come here for help every day.

You CAN do this, you already are, and we are here. There are dozens of people giving you suggestions here and I just took them all and made a list. If you don't like my suggestions, then guess what? You get to choose to ignore them. You get to choose to call them stupid and walk away. You reached out to us and we want to help you heal your way.

 

[Tinyflame]

@RuffledFeathers I am glad you are home, and sorry it was a terrible thing to go through.

I am sure it is overwhelming, just the sheer volume of info here. I will try to be very brief.

@AliciaEff and others have great wisdom to share, please take what they say to heart.

All 'help' is not created equal. But there can be help.

It sounds like this was totally destabalizing:

My therapist told the social worker my mom abused me and the social worker told my mom on the phone. I had to deny it to my mom.

and hence the breaking-down (to be expected). Now- recovery.

'Mountain Man' made a great post in the following thread. Great for supporters, but equally great for sufferers to find help by applying and doing the same suggestions themself. Please see what you think of it. Try to rest, eat, and not act.

Supporter - Help Me

Hugs to you. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I was going to quote your journal in here but that’s against rules as it’s a more private area.

So what I will do is point out that it feels like you’re manipulating members here in order to get sympathy by shading different versions of the situation in different posts.

People here want to help, but I take offense when it feels like someone is being manipulative given that we all respond here with gifts of our TIME in order to help people who are struggling.

Please share what you actually said to your therapist, ok? It will allow people to better understand the situation so that you can get better advice and not just be told what you want to hear.

 

[frogthroat]

So what I will do is point out that it feels like you’re manipulating members here in order to get sympathy by shading different versions of the situation in different posts.

People here want to help, but I take offense when it feels like someone is being manipulative given that we all respond here with gifts of our TIME in order to help people who are struggling.

Don't respond or read my posts if you feel I'm being manipulative. Personally, you're one of my least favorite people on here always attacking or being condescending.

 

[desiderata310]

I struggle with heavy ideation, am resistant to the idea of, and have adverse reactions to most medications.
I’m a functional depressive/suicidal. That’s to say that most every day I STILL get up, go to work, manage to slog through and look mostly functional, etc. while inside I’m beyond nonfunctional.

I’m going through some stuff- part of it is anniversaries, part life stressors being in overdrive, part loss in faith with my therapist, meds and totally with you on the no-inpatient-train ever.
It’s hard to wrap around what all is going on and often makes it harder to put it all ‘out there’ either on a board like this or with a therapist.

Yes, I’ll say right here that I will flip flop a thousand times a day between feeling that I should give in to the ideation and feeling like fighting it.

I think it’s probably harder for you in some ways because you were ‘outed’ by your therapist which should have never happened. It’s really messes with the therapeutic relationship. Therapist are sadly human and make stupid mistakes in the form of caring. It MIGHT be worth it to talk to her about WHY you've lost all faith in her and what it is you REALLY need when you step up to the ledge.

Not everyone benefits from inpatient care.

The best thing I know to tell you to do, beyond what everyone else here has written about self care is to KEEP TALKING. Writing about ideation (within the bounds of the rules here) has, at times been all I had to keep me going. Writing about all the depressive episodes... the self destructive stuff. It needs a place to go. Writing about it can help keep the cup from overflowing.

I relegated most of that to my diary personally, because it’s generally so difficult both to read and for many to reply.

I guess what I’m saying is that I get it. Been there, done that, have a drawer full of the t-shirts.

Looking for the right kind of support (and saying NO to some types) does wind up often make supporters feel like they are pissing into the wind or like you're trying to be manipulative. Is it about control? Yes! Absolutely! And to someone who's trauma is about having control taken away that can be an enormous thing. It's also about knowing yourself. The thing is, as long as you are able to function you are the one in control of what therapies you get (therapy, med or otherwise) it's when people begin to think that you CAN'T function or that you are about to do something harmful that they try to force things. (yeah, no duh, eh, Desi?)

I guess where I'm running with this is that you CAN try no therapy for a while. Seems that you might find yourself looking for it in short order- and honestly, next time things spin out of control, having a GOOD therapist on your side can really make a difference. It MIGHT be worth talking to the one you have about what went wrong and what you need in those moments.

You've thrown the cymbals away at this point or do you still have it? If you still have it, you could TRY it for a time and see if it does anything useful and if not- pitch it. You can also TRY seeing a psych and see if they will work with you to find a useful medication. I pissed one psych off by telling her that I was ONLY interested in getting something to help with sleep. Eventually, I got what I needed from a different person. Someone who listened to the fact that I had tried meds for years and couldn't deal with it. She worked with me. Having meds for sleep helped.

I guess what I'm saying that it makes sense to give things a shot beyond this false start. But you CAN start over new with different people YOU chose.