The Abused Becoming The Abuser

[kris]

Natalia, no I have not ever acted on my thoughts that is why my therapist says it will never happen, that I will not that I am not going to abuse my children or anyone else's.

 

[bluecat]

fear that it is genetically impossible since my parents children did abuse/were abused

Hi Kris,

genetics is in my line of work ; ) I work in genetic research so I feel compelled to argue with what you're saying. Abuse is a complex behavior, its not something with a clear genetic link inherited in the simple Mendelian fashion. The reason why we see it run in families is because lots of people who were abused, don't have the strenght to face the vulnerability associated with their victimization. So they suppress the memories of how they felt and rationalize and explain away the actions. With that mindset, they are then prime candidates for passing the pain on. Or sometimes, people don't realize that what they experienced was wrong, because it was presented to them as something normal (that was my case, until I started babysitting and saw how normal people treat their kids and eventually I put two and two together. But it doesn't sound like you fit into either of these categories, you sound aware of how wrong it was/is and are capable of introspection.

 

[Natalia]

Natalia, no I have not ever acted on my thoughts that is why my therapist says it will never happen, that I will not that I am not going to abuse my children or anyone else's.

And you should trust your therapist. There is a big difference between thinking and acting on something. For example, I act out on animals that cannot defend themselves, though I love animals. I love cats and I love my hamster. I have never thought a single bad thought about them. Still, sometimes, I just get a sudden urge... I never did real harm, just shook them up a bit. I know it's wrong, but could never stop my urges. So yes, I would trust your therapist when he/she sais that you will never act out.
Try to have a little confidence in yourself. I think that deep down you really want to have children, don't you?

 

[Daisy_May]

Your fear of having children and your own family is also a symptom of PTSD, time gets warped and you feel you don't deserve anything, and that the sky is going to fall at any second and so there is no real future.

I'm struggling with this exact issue right now. Good luck. Remember, it's not TRUE! This is a lie your mind has made up to protect you and potential people that don't even exist yet, your abuser has taken your whole possibility of life from you, tell him it's a lie and you do deserve your own family and you will be a damn good parent!

 

[intothelight]

Kris,

I don't exactly know to say other than to talk to your T and don't limit your life more than you have to. I've lived my whole life with abuse, but the only thing I can say that has made this life worth living has been my children.

ITL

 

[Nishkaa]

Bluecat, thanks that is what my therapist basically said to me as well, but the feeling is still there. I understand what he is saying and get the logic behind it but still fear that I will or I will have children that do that to each other one day. I fear that it is genetically impossible since my parents children did abuse/were abused that it is in my blood so to speak and that there is no way around it happening to my children, so to keep that from happening is to not have children.

I think what you are describing here sounds like "trauma-taint" and I think a lot of trauma surivors experience this, fear that we'll inherit our parents behaviours, like genetically. It doesn't go that way actually, but it's normal I think for trauma survivors to experience this fear.

There's a big difference between experiencing intrusive thoughts from acting out upon them-- and that difference is you. I had close male friend who also experienced this fear, not with the first child (that was a girl), but with the second child, that was a boy. He went to counselling because he was so afraid of the thought intrusions, but his counsellor said too, the thing about being aware, and not acting out.

What's painful is the poison our abusers left us with, when we were suppose to be protected and allowed to keep our innocence, but they robbed us of it, and so it's hard. And it's aweful to have to carry shame for things that were not our fault to begin with, and it's hard having been exposed to another person acting on evil. But that's not us, that's them.

I think you are very courageous to address this, and I have the highest respect for you in doing so, because I know that can't be easy.

I'm 42, I chose not to have children, I was afraid of being a bad parent, that I'd be like my parents because I didn't know any differently, any of the very minimal basics infact. As I've healed more to understand that earlier damage and those earlier losses had on my life, I also had a chance to open up more and find my heart. I've found it through doggy walking and stuff like that. I've also found it in no longer having fear around children and the light exposure I've had from my friends having babies, I've been able to and gradually (not forced) be able to become quite happy around them (in small doses, cause it seems like tiring job to raise children, especially when they start walking and it's keeping an eye on them for every second). I got to see some good conscientious parenting and so that helped me to both learn and feel better. I infact read parenting books-- because I'm in the business of re-raising myself, becoming a mother to my self, learning to be more gentle and understanding and more compassionate.

Women have more choices today. Despite the cultural insistance we should breed, we don't have to if we don't want to, or don't feel ready to. It's our own special life to live and it's good to do so in honour of ourselves and not by the expectations of others-- that's the way I see it, anyhow.

You can heal from this. Give it time. You've taken great courage to express yourself honestly here, and that's amazing. You're doing the healing, so many things are possible in time, when you feel ready and whatever choices you decide.

All the Best,
Nishkaa

 

[Kathleen86]

The discussion in therapy today was of how I am afraid to be around children because I think I will molest them, because it was done to me. I have read and heard that people who are abused are more likely to abuse, when I am around kids, I don't have any sexual thoughts or anything. I often find myself thinking about me harming them though, I don't have fantasies or anything of having sexual relations or stuff of that nature, but I mean of how messed up they would be if they were to be abused. I think about how their innocence would be lost and such, not of harming them.

Also that is another reason I don't socialize much with people is because I am afraid to have children, for the previous part and also because what if one of my children does that to their sibling. I couldn't bare to think of that happening and even if I knew or didn't find out, just the thought of knowing what that poor child would go through all their life from the side effects of the abuse. Yes the chance of all this happening is low, but so was the chance of it happening in my family and it did, so to even think of taking that chance makes me want to die, so the abuse can not continue.

Hello Kris,

I too was abused several times as a child. I had all the same thoughts as you and then I had a child. As my son got a little older, I would grow more uncomfortable with questions or bath time, that should have been completely normal, but I had such a fear of doing what was done to me. I would cry and get physically sick from the fear and the images that would pop in my head. I knew with all my heart I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING, but the fear was still there.

The other person on here who spoke of intrusive thoughts is correct. I get intrusive thoughts and I have PTSD. Its hard, and I still deal with it. Stress brings it on alot. I was fine for 6 months and then the past couple weeks very uncomfortable.

I hope you are still apart of this thread, as my old thread was full and they closed it. So I havent had anyone to relate to.

 

[josephc]

When I got married and the topic of children came around I was stead fast never wanting a son. I don't have thoughts of ever being an abusers. I just did not ever want a son of mine to have my life.

When I learned about abused becoming abusers it terrified me. When I had my first daughter I was terrified in the beginning when it was my turn to change her diaper. I was this disgusting monster sexual compulsive. She did not see that. She saw daddy who loves her. I never betrayed that trust. The trust both she and my second daughter have in me. Both of whom are now grown woman.

They helped me to see that I am more then the sum of my compulsive behaviours. It is because of them I keep returning to therapy. Why I don't give into wanting life to be over with already. The thoughts thou live with me almost every day. I am careful not to cause my therapist fear. I selfishly don't want to be kept prisoner against my will. I have too many responsibilities. I have told her about them but don't need to keep telling her about overtime they come up.

 

[twopenny]

I was beaten by my mother, severely, among other things, but there was never anything sexual.

I struggled for a long time with the idea that abused become abusers. A very long time. I spent the majority of my teenage and adult years terrified that I would turn into my mother, and beat any children I had, so I avoided the issue by telling people I just don't like children (not actually true). I also have a heck of a temper sometimes, which didn't help.

It was worsened by the fact that I believe my mother abused me because she was abused as a young child (she was taken from her parents aged 4, and in care till she was 8, and looking back, displayed a lot of behaviour that fits with the idea, although I have no solid evidence of it).

It's taken me decades to realise that the thing that will make the difference is me. Whoever that really is. That if I can survive what she did to me, even in a battered and broken state, then I can stop myself from doing the same things. I hope.

At the same time, I may have left it too late to have kids. If I have that's ok, but the thing that infuriates me is that I haven't seen her in 22 years, and she's still got a very real control over me.

 

[Godislove777]

Wow, I thank God for these posts.

I am 32 years old with an 11 month old and a baby on the way. When I was pregnant I was more worried about my dad who has changed his life around and living for Jesus, that we would obviously have to set up boundaries with my child and my parents like my child would not stay overnight at my parents house with my dad there, etc.

It sucks because although I forgave my parents, and truly enjoy developing this new and correct father-daughter relationship, it sucks that I have to be the victim of fear and intrusive thoughts of "oh my, will I be a predator since my dad's blood runs through my veins?" I did have two pictures in my head as my mind asked itself the question, "what if my daughter tried to perform oral sex on me? Surely she cant get too close to me." I know its sick and twisted and I have no desire to act on the thought nor am I attracted to my daughter like that as crazy as it sounds. I actually would commit suicide if I ever felt like I wanted to act on something so horrific because I am fully committed on breaking the generational curse in my family of sexual abuse!

I too was worried about bath time and changing diapers, but now that my daughter is almost a year old, I can honestly say, as uncomfortable as those random thoughts are when they do appear, I have never been more intentional in my life, then to give her the life God wants me to give her, one with real love, trust, security..all the things my father stole from me as a child through sexual abuse, and more than anything I pray that my daughter will not learn from or inherit my fears because those past situations of sexual abuse on top of revisiting them in my head or having to set up boundaries as my family pursues a relationship with my dad, or my child's grandfather, I just don't want my daughter to live in fear and anxiety.

I ask for prayer from anyone who is a believer because as an unwelcomed thought entered my mind tonight about my daughter, I really need God's guidance on how to handle moments like these where I am tempted to never talk to my dad again so I don't have to revisit these memories as I feel that his presence in my life is the source of why I even have intrusive thoughts of my daughter, yet I know God told me to forgive and in my case pursue a relationship with my parents. I don't know though if this is going to require I don't talk to them for breaks at a time so God can keep healing me, but this is so complicated to have to constantly think if I am going to tell my children what my dad did when they get older or if I allow them the chance to enjoy time with their grandpa as they know him now...ugh I just really need prayer.

Thanks yall and I am praying for yall also as I feel you all are brothers and sisters to me as we stand together in the face of adversity breaking the curse of sexual abuse, because it WILL end with us. God bless.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I can really relate to your original post Kris, I am so glad you posted this. About 9 months ago I started to share more of these types of things with my therapist about my fear of abusing children. I never did anything abusive but when I saw a child that looked like I did as a child, I got thoughts of hitting them, slapping them and berating them, basically stuff that was done to me as a child. Or if I saw a situation where a child did something tricky I would have an even stronger urge to hit them. I realized I had this type of reaction because during some of my worst abuse, I was tricked by my abuser and my thoughts about harming kids was my minds way of working it out in my head.

I was able to see the difference between my mind working something out in my head and the history of my behaviors. I had babysitted, been around kids and never acted on my thoughts. One thing I did in therapy to process this stuff was bring in pictures of myself as a child and talk about the thoughts I had of myself when I looked at the pictures. It was pretty eye opening to say out loud the things I thought about myself, here what my therapist said and talk about the differences with my therapist.

Godislove- I'm glad your putting up boundaries with your father and your children. Personally I wouldn't allow my kids around my abuser at all. I understand you don't want your daughter to live with fear and anxiety and I hope this doesn't get in the way of upholding reasonable boundaries. I've known two women that were abused where the abuser used his faith in god as a reason that he couldn't/wouldn't have abused. I hope your father has also had some serious therapy around this issue as well otherwise I wouldn't trust him around children and even then I wouldn't trust him unless he was in my sight at all times.

 

[WillowMarie]

I can relate to worrying about behaving like an abuser. My dad was very angry all the time and yelled and exploded over little things. I know there were times I yelled back and provoked him more because I am very head strong and he would piss me off. Outside of the home I was able to stay this composed little girl who was polite and loving, always looked happy and no one every saw mad.

I remember there were times in high school I snapped a few times with friends and my friends were surprised. When I would see their surprised looks/reactions I would get mad at myself for showing that side of me and letting it get through.

I didn't want to hurt them the way I felt hurt by my dad. I was terrified of becoming my dad. I was the one who looked like him the most (brown hair and blue eyes), my brothers had brown eyes. And I always thought I was the one who was most like him, as well as personality wise, too. Well, I thought I had my moms love and caring nature, and my dad's headstrong, reactive, and stubborn traits. I hated those traits about my dad.

I have only recently said this out loud for the first time, at a therapy session in the past month. It felt scary saying it out loud, but this therapist I feel comfortable with. Nothing I say is wrong or too scary or too messed up. She makes it sounds like everything makes sense, the reactions or thoughts that I have make sense.

She reminded me, but I am not my dad.