This is a rant. A no holding back, awful thoughts as they come to me rant.
I am too exhausted to be understanding right now. I am too exhausted to support you right now. I am too exhausted to keep up a positive attitude when your mood bounces up and down every half hour. I don't give a sh*t that you asked to lay down and hold one another earlier--yes it was nice and I tried hard to breathe with you and tell you I love you and make you smile--but I actually don't really give a f*ck about it because you were an asshole before that and after that and you're one f*cking attempt at calming down doesn't make me sympathetic to your complete and total lack of effort. Don't verbally tell me that you realize you're being unfair and then continue to be unfair. If you have that moment of pause and reflection then you have the will and the strength, if only you try, to leave the room and breathe as your doctor told you to do. But no, don't f*cking breathe, go fix that f*cking exposed cable that you're working on even though we discussed it and I am against it and I know it's pointless. Go fix it even though it's a stupid useless idea that's going to not work. God forbid you don't do something when you're fixated on it as visually annoying--so fix it and then curse and get pissed off and start hating yourself and then your job and then telling me that everything is f*cked repeatedly in your life. Thanks honey that's so sweet! And tell me you have to unf*ck everything while you smack your hands repeatedly on your head. Of course, you have to fix every thing, don't communicate or work with your partner who only consistently asks that of you as a fundamental need. No keep doing whatever the f*ck you want and don't listen to me. Why would I understand anything? And yes, the cherry on the f*cking cake is that while you've spent the entire night wasting time on that stupid exposed cable, that small cosmetic issue that bothered only you, you've neglected to prep the bathroom walls for painting. Something you've decided MUST be done tonight. So let me guess, the solution is to stay up until 3 to do that? Perfect, really perfect, so after a 12 hour workday that was so stressful and busy you didn't eat anything from 8:45am to 8:45pm (way to go honey, after all or talks about how hunger triggers you and inhibits you from thinking clearly or managing stress or making decisions you skip lunch. A lunch I packed no less that is full of on-the-go snacks) and then ranting for a few hours, PLEASE stay up half the night so you get 3 hours of sleep and can go back to another 10 hour work day. These are all such amazing ways to take care of yourself and manage your PTSD. A really perfect cycle. Way to go babe! And please tomorrow tell me, in an angry fit, when I try to express the weight of some of your words the night before, that you painted the bathroom for us. For me. I am being ungrateful. Yes baby, you did me a blessed service, giving me, "us", something that you decided in your mind was good for us without conferring with me or asking my opinion.
And about your job, this shitty stupid job that doesn't pay you enough, this stupid job that denied you a raise you were promised and from stories has upper management that has shat on you and treated you poorly for 7 years--why the f*ck did you take it? Why did you stay?
In what world did you think a poor paying job, with bosses who scream at you and don't value you, with stressful time crunches would be good for you? How could you be so stupid?
And now, after I really felt we had reached a new point, after things had gotten to a point where I didn't feel consistently stressed and unsure of myself and us, where you were communicating, where you were happy, where you wanted to make me happy--now, this denial of a f**ing raise will trigger you Monday through Friday when you go to work, and on the weekends when you start to think about it and either zone out or explode. And it will only get worse, as you have only gotten worse for the passed 2 weeks. I don't see how this could improve, I don't think you can do it. I don't know if I can do it. What? 4 more months of fury at this job. A long period of joblessness if they let you go? You have stopped trying, you wouldn't giving a f*ck about trying to stand up. I can't do it. Everything can't turn to shit again. How can I have an effing life with you if I feel all alone, like I have to handle everything. How can I think of having a child?
I think you're weak right now. Weak. It's an awful thing to say and I hope to hell I never break and say it to your face but I think you're weak and immature now. Shouting and jutting out your chin like a petulant child. Drool literally falling from your mouth as you shout.
