The Black Hole

[Fyrepixie0]

The black hole is exactly what I describe my panic attacks as. I honestly see no way out when I am in the hole, and the hole just gets deeper, honestly. I feel like I am drowning in it. I honestly wonder if there will be a time when I can control them or not have them anymore. It seems they are getting worse and more frequent. I have been working full time and also attending school. I allowed my child to live with her dad thousand miles away and I am missing her dreadfully. Maybe all this stress is causing them to act up. Whichever the case is, they have ruined my relationships and things going on around me and potential success. WHEN WILL THEY STOP?

There is no relief for this pain that will sooth it. The worse is having a panic attack and not being able to cryyyy. It just stays with me in my chest, and I become a sad and scared little girl.I just can't remember everything. Something tells me that there's a huge part of my life I am missing and don't remember.I could use a hug right now. I need to feel accepted, loved, and supported. The biggest part of this black hole is that no one is in there with you. I tend to separate myself from people I love in fear they will abandon me. I feel ashamed of this weakness I feel .I know its not a sign of weakness, but I have come to believe that about myself. People don't find someone who is still struggling with sexual abuse issues that are family situated and is also questioning her father's role in her life (example whether or not he is actually my real dad).

My boyfriend did point something out to me. He told me when you love someone its not a menu that you can't pick and choose what you love about someone. Plus, if someone would walk away from someone because of an emotional ailment, then that person isn't your true love. Its more infatuation or conditional kind of love. If someone is weak enough to walk away, then maybe you are better off.

When I was at the gym, I saw this woman wearing a t-shirt that said True Love. This made me think about true love and the possibilities of curing a hurt soul.

Thanks for letting me ramble this actually helped a little.

 

[ill]

Stress will definitely trigger panic attacks, and I think when you're so overwhelmed by many different stressors all at once, it can feel like a black hole because your triggers can become indistinguishable from each other and one panic attack can bleed into the next. And when you're in the midst of these big black holes, it's pretty close to impossible (at least for me) not to worry that this will go on forever, that it will never get better, that you're stuck. It's a really shitty and painful place to be in.

Are you in some form of therapy right now? I ask because I have found counseling to be really, really helpful in learning to identify my triggers. Knowing what my triggers are means that I can often, though not always, pinpoint the source of my stress and panic attacks, and that gives me something to work with. When I know what's triggering me, I can take steps to avoid it, work through it, talk about it, etc, but when I don't know what's triggering me, I feel much more helpless and vulnerable, which increases my stress. Do you know what your triggers are? Have you thought about accessing your school's counseling system for support? Your daughter moving away is clearly a biggie - do you talk on the phone, email, skype, even send letters? One thing about letters and email is that you can focus on your love for you daughter and do something nice for her without her needing to be there.

What do you do when you have a panic attack, or you feel one beginning? For a long time, when I had a panic attack, I felt completely immobilized and would stay still. For me, this just doesn't work. I need to go for a walk and release some of the adrenaline. I remember reading that post-panic attack, one should shake their body, discharging all of that excess energy. This is what animals do post fight or flight. Discharging some of the energy may help.

I think your boyfriend is right, and he sounds like he may be someone who is supportive, accepting and loving to you. I think, too, it almost always helps if we can learn to be supportive, accepting and loving of ourselves.

 

[macca]

It really sounds like your PTSD has been exacerbated by all the stress in your life right now. Working full-time, going to school, your daughter moving away, it all adds up. Is there any way you can alleviate any of these stressors? I hit a bad patch with my PTSD several weeks ago after a massive stress buildup. I'm doing a bit better now I've been able to back off a little, though it's hard to do. Have you read any of the articles provided on this site? I've had PTSD for many years without realising it, and I found that the article on this site titled "Understanding PTSD" was so very helpful in understanding how outside stress affects the disorder. I'm so glad that your boyfriend is supportive, that makes such a difference.