The Continuing Cycle...

[debi1956]

I have had PTSD and other disorders since 3 yrs old. I now see the cycle or pattern if you will. First comes a trigger to PTSD, then anger at myself for letting it be a trigger, then anxiety and panic "what if I go down the rabbit hole again from this", then depression and isolation along with well I deserve to feel this way anyway and a suicide plan. Then with help from my meds, my support group, my dr., a bit of light at a time comes through and I am able to self talk, listen, and remind myself of how far I've come. For me this is life.

 

[sonicwhite]

I understand, I was physically abused since 9 but that wasn't the trigger. I had gotten hooked up with careless ppl that where only thinking about drugs.....I go thru a psychosis and I was in jail......I won't hijack your thread i will make my own but what I'm trying to say is from that pain of abuse I made poor choices.......Lack of respect for others as well towards me........From twenty to twenty nine i have dealt with some form of M.I.......I didn't understand that i was also suffering PTSD.......Thru all I have endured I have tried to find the beauty in everything.......It's our time to heal.......You where robbed of a life from three on, that's not fair......But God is always there to help. Talking on here has helped me greatly......Such a network of support I haven't found in any other forum. Please talk to your therapist and also talk to us. We are here to listen....

 

[Chava]

I'm starting to notice patterns too, and it's often depressing...like it's been this way forever, why would it change now. But I think awareness is a huge thing. I didn't have the same awareness in years before. I really went over-board on distractions to feel like I was okay and that I was worthwhile. Now I'm actually doing things quite a bit differently...noticing what is a distraction (and sometimes distractions are totally great) and what is really meaningful to me. Also, I believe even some very old patterns can change if we work at it consciously in manageable ways (all that new science on neuroplasticity). But it's hard to know what I can change and what I should learn how to accept. For example, I do isolate. I will always be very introverted....so that's part to accept, but how to be that but also get the kind of social connection I enjoy and feel good about.

It's helpful to have the awareness and notice those messages you say to yourself. We really can change some of these patterns. I haven't changed everything but I'm really not self-destructive anymore and for many years (most of my adulthood) I had no idea how that would ever end. I don't feel like I care about myself a whole lot, but I don't feel so guilty for taking care of my basic needs like I used to.

Good work noticing some of your patterns. They probably have meaning or worked in some situations (I remind myself this too...it's not that I'm stupid or crazy, like I tell myself, but I had limited power as a kid so did the best I could and those old responses and patterns are hard change).