Thanks so so much to everyone who gave me encouragement and validation for having e-mailed my therapist, and for just "getting it" so much - gosh, somehow I just never expect, even after so many times, that anyone will understand or support me in the things I do out of emotional desperation.
And you were all right... as usual.
He rang me back today and we talked for a long long time - he even rang me back later when he had to go drag his kids out of the pool mid conversation!
At first, as predicted, I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and shame for bothering him that he had me almost speechless. That and the fact that even in 3 weeks my ability to talk and to use anything remotely resembling emotional language has plummetted, and it was genuinely difficult for me to speak for a while. Thankfully he knows me well, and is a patient man, and he sat through it with me until I thawed enough to talk.
And I did, I really talked, told him about all that's going on, was pretty honest with him about my state of mind and where it's heading and why that's bad. Yes, maybe only as I outlined them did I realise how many enormous stressors I feel are bearing down on me.
Maybe most of all I so needed to tell him about how vulnerable and broken and alone I've felt through my physical issues in the past few weeks, how scared that's made me, how triggering, how... lonely. It meant the world and more to me to feel how much he seemed to get that.
And his calmness, pragmatism, quiet empathy and common sense are so grounding for me that I can almost literally feel my feet hitting the floor hard as he talks. Can't believe the positive impact he has on me...
And he told me that if I haven't heard from him by Sunday night I'm to text him to remind him to call. Again my guilt flared - it just can't help itself - but in some ways too this is a hugely comforting arrangement for me, more so than the vague and anxiety-provoking "I'll call you in a few days..." which we have done before, because this time at least I have a clear plan b and an action I can undertake for myself to help me feel a bit more in control of this contact.
Now, if only I can do something with that guilt...
I feel emotionally shattered tonight, but so so so glad I spoke to him. I'm trying hard to equate this with having had a positive experience reaching out for help - am having enormous issues of denial and rejection about help seeking behaviour in general at the moment, so that's one huge part of today's contact that I am trying to hang onto.
You guys have given me so much support and strength, thanks so much. I do truly truly treasure this thread right now, almost to the point of feeling quite ridiculous about it!
Maddog
And you were all right... as usual.
He rang me back today and we talked for a long long time - he even rang me back later when he had to go drag his kids out of the pool mid conversation!
At first, as predicted, I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and shame for bothering him that he had me almost speechless. That and the fact that even in 3 weeks my ability to talk and to use anything remotely resembling emotional language has plummetted, and it was genuinely difficult for me to speak for a while. Thankfully he knows me well, and is a patient man, and he sat through it with me until I thawed enough to talk.
And I did, I really talked, told him about all that's going on, was pretty honest with him about my state of mind and where it's heading and why that's bad. Yes, maybe only as I outlined them did I realise how many enormous stressors I feel are bearing down on me.
Maybe most of all I so needed to tell him about how vulnerable and broken and alone I've felt through my physical issues in the past few weeks, how scared that's made me, how triggering, how... lonely. It meant the world and more to me to feel how much he seemed to get that.
And his calmness, pragmatism, quiet empathy and common sense are so grounding for me that I can almost literally feel my feet hitting the floor hard as he talks. Can't believe the positive impact he has on me...
And he told me that if I haven't heard from him by Sunday night I'm to text him to remind him to call. Again my guilt flared - it just can't help itself - but in some ways too this is a hugely comforting arrangement for me, more so than the vague and anxiety-provoking "I'll call you in a few days..." which we have done before, because this time at least I have a clear plan b and an action I can undertake for myself to help me feel a bit more in control of this contact.
Now, if only I can do something with that guilt...
I feel emotionally shattered tonight, but so so so glad I spoke to him. I'm trying hard to equate this with having had a positive experience reaching out for help - am having enormous issues of denial and rejection about help seeking behaviour in general at the moment, so that's one huge part of today's contact that I am trying to hang onto.
You guys have given me so much support and strength, thanks so much. I do truly truly treasure this thread right now, almost to the point of feeling quite ridiculous about it!
Maddog
