The feeling of worthlessness

[Bruce Douglas]

From age 4 or 5 I have fought my mental health. Doctors said it was part of my allergic reaction to multiple foods and plants. If I failed I would hate myself, hit myself. At times bash head into wall or hit with a stick. I grew out of harming myself physically. 15 years later I have wife step children and twins on the way. During 24 years of marriage I was cheated on 4 times that I know of. Always hurting, not knowing where I failed. During this time best friend killed himself, and died. Next my maw died, a month later I divorced, a month later brother died and 2 months later I got remarried and 10 days later a divorce. Then my child caught me with a gun and I went to mental health facility. I’m sorry this is so long, tired of worthlessness and a lot to get out. Through adulthood education and work everyone is proud of me. I have been a manager or owner since I was 20. I had heart valve stop a hole in my heart a couple years ago and ever since I have been demoted twice. My co-workers need and want me there. One of 3 owners is unhappy with my abilities and everyday I hate me again. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for two years. I’m sorry this hope she gets my head straight. I pray everyday to be valuable to my children and grandchildren, family, friends, and work. Family and Friends need me I won’t fall back towards self harm, I do wish I could like me.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Bruce Douglas It seems like you have been through an awful lot. You must feel exhausted. Despite what you've been through you still want to be their for your family and and friends. That's something to be proud of in itself. Something to love yourself for.

 

[arfie]

hello bruce. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I do wish I could like me.

my recovery from child sex trafficking has been long and winding with more techniques, tools and dx'es than i care to count, but i quite solidly believe this simple statement covers the most essential piece of recovery. at age 71, i still have days where i feel more like a public toilet than a human being. those works are still in progress, but i am thrilled to report that i am having more and more days that i love being me. is it ironic that those are the days i am best able to be helpful to others?

*******coffee cup clink******

here's hoping you find the way to seeing what a fine human you can be. hope healing happens here.

welcome aboard.

 

[Rose White]

This is what I should have titled my thread too maybe I should tell the mods. Anyway. Yes this feeling is challenging. With you. Idk how to stop it but sometimes it does.

 

[Bruce Douglas]

Hello @Bruce Douglas It seems like you have been through an awful lot. You must feel exhausted. Despite what you've been through you still want to be there for your family and and friends. That's something to be proud of in itself. Something to love yourself for.

My thoughts make me exhausted for sure. Trying to please people gives me hope. Pleasing people helps me cope!

hello bruce. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my recovery from child sex trafficking has been long and winding with more techniques, tools and dx'es than i care to count, but i quite solidly believe this simple statement covers the most essential piece of recovery. at age 71, i still have days where i feel more like a public toilet than a human being. those works are still in progress, but i am thrilled to report that i am having more and more days that i love being me. is it ironic that those are the days i am best able to be helpful to others?

*******coffee cup clink******

here's hoping you find the way to seeing what a fine human you can be. hope healing happens here.

welcome aboard.

I always say I’m like a drain field I try to deteriorate the crap from my life. My lord Jesus Christ knows I have no sins to confess. I own and confess daily. I pray someday to feel good enough, to like me. I feel horrible I confess my hurt when others have hurt so much more. At the same time probably to cope no one knows what the other has been through, more importantly no one knows how the other has taken what they have been through.