The Games People Play

[scout86]

I am completely naive when it comes to things like this.

I'm actually at work, composing what I call my "cosmic cheat sheet" to help fill in this gap. There are several things I got from him. "The appropriate way to handle a compliment" being one of my favorites. The idea of "that would be above my pay grade" has also been valuable, because I was apparently raised to believe I was responsible for EVERYTHING. And I'm not. (What a relief!)

One day, after I made some kind of remark about being incredibly stupid because I didn't know all this stuff, my T said, "You didn't have a chance to learn it when you were a kid. When, exactly, did you think you WERE going to learn it?" "Now" I guess. :confused:

I'm trying to see it as more "fun and interesting" than annoying. :)

If someone didn't intend to hurt then it didn't count.

YES! Me too!

Now, I try to sort that out. Because it DOES matter. Or I think it does. Unintentional hurt is still hurt, but it should probably be handled differently than intentional hurt. And, it's just "hurt" it's not the end of the world, or life as we know it. Not to minimize, just saying it isn't cause for over reacting either.

But, intent and motives can be hard to pick up too. I can usually see a difference between a sincere apology and an excuse, at least when I remember to consider it. I usually give second chances, but not much more than that. As I once told a client about their horse. "I don't know if she CAN'T learn or she WON'T learn, but the point is she DOESN'T learn and I'm not putting up with this any more!"

 

[shimmerz]

"The appropriate way to handle a compliment"

And my standard response would be......
'Are you certain you got enough sleep last night, because clearly you are not seeing things properly.'

just saying it isn't cause for over reacting either.

Yes. And my norm is 'under reacting'. I seem to bang my head against a brick wall with this one. I think the key is being able to see ME. I don't do that so well.

"I don't know if she CAN'T learn or she WON'T learn, but the point is she DOESN'T learn and I'm not putting up with this any more!"

lol. Yes. Ideally this is where I would like to be. My pain tolerance is really high, as some may recall. Because I can't generally feel the pain (emotional or physical), I tend to walk through stuff that I shouldn't. I don't realize until it accumulates that there was a problem at all.

A big ball of sticky, gooey, black tar.... *heavy sigh*

 

[scout86]

"The appropriate way to handle a compliment is to say 'Thank you', then shut up. You are NOT supposed to argue with people about compliments! A compliment is like a gift. People give it to you because they want to. You wouldn't argue with a gift, would you? OK, maybe YOU would, but don't. People enjoy giving these things and it's not right to deprive them of the privilege."

So, the appropriate way to handle a compliment is to say "Thank you" and let it go at that.

I think of that conversation every time I respond to a compliment, and it always makes me smile, (because of him) but it turns out a smile is a good way to respond to a compliment too.

 

[shimmerz]

the appropriate way to handle a compliment is to say "Thank you"

*shudders*

 

[scout86]

*shudders*

And it turns out to be remarkably hard to do!

 

[Ronin]

@shimmerz, I'd trade you though. With that 'I read people at face value'. I read people in scripts-over-scripts and get confused as f*ck most people don't think that way, even with trust issues & trauma issues aside.

Some of that could relate to the dissociation thread elsewhere, but darn, there's no ducking from Scoutie, I don't wanna duck with people whose to-do's with life is smile, homie, it helps. :cool:

 

[shimmerz]

I read people in scripts-over-scripts and get confused as f*ck most people don't think that way,

You are right! I need lessons from you Cashew! How did you learn that stuff? And you are right, I can't even fathom one script, let alone multiple overlays of them. Yikes!

And that Scout - she's a wildcat. Just sayin. :woot:

 

[Ronin]

@shimmerz, I never said it's a good thing. <cross-eyed> (Hence why I'm saying in a thread that's Things that don't quite work in your thinking and are foundational in interactions with others & understanding of others.)

But basically a lot of reaction scaling. And if/when. And intent considering. Crossroads considering; how many ways can traffic turn into a wreck and how fast and by whom and why and how to get out & get others out, being a good starting question. (Driving simultaneously calms the f*ck out of me physically & unnerves the f*ck out of me mentally / emotionally. Most of the times I'm able to tell how I am in life, through waves of dissociation? Is if people ask me about traffic of my life, lately.)

Or: From how many angles will shit hit the fan & why & how & how to minimize the damage. It's usually simpler; shit'll come from one direction in one type of attack and hit hard. I just expect card houses falling & getting burned down & getting ashe-drowned. Months after good news, I'm still on 'goddamn surprise, all the other variants didn't happen?'

 

[shimmerz]

Cashew -- sounds absolutely exhausting. So what I understand from your posting is that you attempt to figure it out beforehand and I do damage control afterwards. 6 of 1, half dozen of the other. If only for a happy medium.

 

[Ronin]

@shimmerz, bingo. Keep trying to do a 'fine let's just simplify all those sensations & whole the mess'. Doesn't work usually; I'm easier half comatose than stopping it. Braainz. :banghead::facepalm::cautious: