The intense urge for distance..

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I can’t handle this PTSD bul***it anymore to be honest. For every two ‘good’ days there are 5 bad days. One day you’re working your ass off to fight it & the next you have no energy to even climb out of bed. You force yourself to believe that there is a life out there for you, to continue hoping, to keep on keeping on only to end up right back in what feels like square one, the darkness.

I’m so fed up of it now. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve been sad for so God damn long now that I won’t even know if I know what it’s like to be happy anymore. I realised the other day that I cannot actually remember the last time I laughed. And I don’t mean a polite giggle with a work colleague, or an appropriate smirk with a friend because they’ve told a cringy joke. I mean full blown, belly hurting, breath taking, genuinely joyful laughter - the kind that literally makes your day. I cannot remember. How sad is that?!!!!!!!

I literally have just been on the up from a dark period AGAIN... well here I am back on the down. Wanting to run away from the world. Back on my old ways, deleting chats, pictures, social media profiles, distancing... disappearing slowly... wanting no human contact at all again. And this time I’m angry. I’m so fu**ing angry at this disease!!!! How the hell can I ever win with this?!!!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure I know the answer @Itsnotyouitsme , I can only say even with threads what has plagued me past seems to resurface without me remembering what I've learned. But then I think, I have learned much- so maybe it's more respecting what I know about myself.. like learning to navigate the world with one leg instead of 2?

In so many ways it's too late for me to change many things I would have preferred to, if I've learned anything that might help someone earlier in their journey, I would fight the self talk, surround yourself with everything positive you can, including good people (there isn't a much more empty and anxiety-producing feeling than knowing no one has your back), and continue to envision and head towards your dreams (which is also difficult when you can't envision a future, so you have to factor that in if applicable and make decisions without letting it stop you). So beyond processing I think it becomes knowing yourself, being true to yourself, and respecting you have to find ways (ideally) that make it doable, not just functionally but it ways that matter, relationships or what is important to you to preserve or gain (including your self respect), and in concrete small ways. Interior and exterior changes. Hopefully the joy, energy and relaxation that might have existed before, when life seemed 'doable' or fulfilling, will become more common. Not likely you can remember those times when you are feeling as you are now, simply too because you are feeling as you are now. Sometimes too you have to start with basics- food, sleep, etc.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

ETA, I should say, I feel sad myself atm, so that colored my response, and it is not fair to say what life will hold or not, at any time. In fact I am sure many people with or without ptsd who achieve what they set out to, or without the same situations, actually are surprised which parts of their lives do, and do not, bring them the greatest happiness. We have to go from where we are, since that is where 'we' are.

I hope you feel better soon.