The Invisible Hand that Guides my Life

[David1959]

@David1959 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and I imagine the situation with your pain is intensifying everything. I have been through some similar circumstances with my T retiring. I took time off therapy after that too as I really don't trust easily, or rather at all really. I have then recently experienced a sort of similar episode where memories were coming back and my tendency to deal with them through dissociation wasn't really working any longer. I have since started seeing a T again, I am doing so online via a health-system type zoom for therapy set up in Australia. I have been back with this T for about three months and it is helping but progress is slow as is trusting. When I left my first T after she retired I looked for a new T but the ones I tried did not fit me at all. I don't know what country you're in, but sometimes GPs have a handle on Ts that might be good? I hope that you are able to find somebody to help you through this tough time.

Thanks for posting DIGZ:

I am realizing I need an online T and have started looking, I am in the US and hoping to find someone with experience.

 

[David1959]

I am now 12 days post surgery for my back and am all good about 90% healed. Pain is gone which is great, wish I could say the same for my mental health.

I have reached out to a new T that I found on one of the the resources sites for survivors and will be having my first virtual session in early October. I hope this will help because I am realizing I am sinking into depression again. Emotional flashbacks are increasing and I am not really sure what to do.

Last time some 4-5 years ago when I have my first emotional collapse I became useless, could not work or even do simple tasks. It came at a time when I was not employed after having closed my business but I found myself unable to work in anyway for almost a year. My 40 year professional life was in ruins and it took me years to rebuild to were I am now, if I lose it again I am toast

5 years later I have rebuilt my professional life and am doing well again (that journey alone would almost fill a book). Unfortunately my disassociation is no longer protecting me and the flashbacks and anxiety have returned. I am still able to perform professionally but fear falling further and destroying my career yet again.

I am begging to suspect that some of the issues I have been having for over a year, such as IBS are likely caused by the PTSD and I again am facing disaster. To heal I sometimes I believe I need to remember everything my 10yo self went through but there is something in my core that will not let me. More and more I am beginning to suspect that the inability to remember details is a defense mechanism of my mind. Is what I am protecting myself from so horrible that the damage from remembering is worse?

From the glimpses of images and scenes I get in my mind it may be to much for my 10yo self to cope with and although I am 61 when I have these flashbacks I am only 10

 

[Movingforward10]

You sound a very resilient person. You can get through this. It's really positive you have therapy starting in October. Between now and then, maybe finding some more ways to ground yourself when flashbacks happen?

I find it really hard to remember that whilst there might be a flashback, or body memory, that I'm not back there. I have to tell myself I am here, in the here and now. I need to say it out loud. That really helps. It doesn't always work, but it does a lot.

 

[David1959]

Thanks moving forward, I appreciate the encouragement. I will just take it 1 day at a time