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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

And I also want to LIVE , not just survive. I want jobs, holidays, a decent home, to drive and own a car. I want to be ME and appreciated and validated for who I am and my skills and unique offerings to the society, culture and world at large.

And you will. You are already so far along on the journey to get there -- you just don't see it yet. But I do. I see how far you have come, how wonderful your recover is going, how much I (and others) appreciate you. You are very valuable here.Your thoughts and input and way of looking at things..... maybe it doesn't seem like a lot to you -- but to me it is huge.
 
Th
And you will. You are already so far along on the journey to get there -- you just don't see it yet....
That was a lovely thing to wake up to. Really heartening! @Freida I read it out to my guy and he said "See! I told you!" very triumphantly. It's lovely. Thank you.:hug:

I'm hit by one thing after another. This time it's the losing the babies.
I can't be around little kids anymore without feeling like breaking down.
My guy is close to the neighbors. They are a three generation family of mainly women. The daughter, who is my guy's friend, has twin toddlers. She came over with the little boy today. I'm trying to hide tears now. I definitely don't want my guy to see how I'm affected.
Damn losing three babies in a row, last year and the year before. They were traumatic miscarriages too. The second was dead inside me for a month. Sorry guys, I feel horrible talking about this.
 
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Absolute alone time would be good, but my kids been home all week, nearly. He's holed up in his room 99% of the time, so I feel extra guilty about neglecting him, even though he's like a pig in mud about it.

I want so much alone time now, and any I have is barely enough, although, when my guy works late, I can hardly wait to see him and always greet him with excitement and love and affection, which he greatly appreciates.

Right now, I'm plagued with grief and that deep seated sense of unworthiness, shame and inadequacy that flares up whenever I'm symptomatic (like most of the time, these days) and I'm praying for the time when I can get out from under this constant trigger-city.

Our terrible next door neighbor is supposed to be leaving any time soon, can't be soon enough.

It's anniversary time for me now too.

The leaving my family, on death's door, acute stress on top of c-ptsd, being homeless, hospital maltreatment and neglect, family turned against me because of ex's slanderous lies and manipulative abuse and parental alienation, that was this time of year, 8 years ago now; but it was bad, real bad. It's just turned wintery so I was homeless and throwing up blood, unable to sleep, constant terrible intestinal agony, near organ failure and acute stress disorder in winter. Not fun.

I was pregnant this time last year and lost it on my second born, disabled son's birthday. I'll be in hospital for that anniversary and will miss his birthday again. Yeah, guilt about that too.

I need to cry but will wait until my guy heads off to work. I'm hiding my grief from him ATM.
On top of it all, we have some kind of brain-attacking virus. So wiped and sore in the head and feeling more retarded than usual, which is saying a lot. Uuuuuugghhhhhh.
 
Ok, so anger to stupid fake brainless "feminists" is where I'm going to, instead.
No one says shit about real oppression.
It's like how the police hassle pot heads instead of chasing ice dealers and murderers.
They disgust me, vilifying "white" men for flirting and such instead of speaking out about "minority" cultures who shoot people and practice routine violence in much higher numbers, proportionately , "honour kill" and actually do deny women, human rights by "law"..
 
Cry when you can :hug:

I completely understand what you mean. No need for me to get into here, though...

Yep, male suicide rates in my country certainly make it look that way.

Look at police shootings in your country.

Things look bad from here, as a result of some popular trends in what's "PC" at the moment.

Yes, " collectivist victim politics" feels insulting and divisive and hypocritical and disempowering, to me, personally.

It minimises the experience of people (individuals) who have genuinely been preyed on, discriminated against unfairly, and systemically disadvantaged.

As, we in the "real world" know that those who have been predated on can be any gender, class, racial group, and in fact, is generally a lot more "culturally acceptable" in certain "minority" groups that are being ignored, stuck up for and defended by said "PC" virtue signalling "lib" types. "Cough, cough, young-turks-bullshit-type non-factual puke-material media.

Yes, femtards, surprise surprise, no one is immune from pain, suffering and social exclusion or injustice, it's NOT a thing you can claim because you have a vagina!

So insulting to be told, time after time, that being a woman automatically makes you a "victim", how f*cking disempowering!

That having a man interested in you sexually is "harrassment" and evidence of his "guilt" and scumbagness.

Sure no one likes to deal with unwanted sexual attention, it's uncomfortable, awkward and confronting. But it's not a crime.

Why aren't these "Social Justice Warriors" talking about crimes against children, if they are so worried and concerned about "sexual abuse"?

Oh, because maybe, just maybe, it doesn't suit because women are perpetrators of child sexual abuse and violence to underage males and females, too and that would spoil their "all women are victims of male sexual attention" platform.

Yes, news flash, women can be predatory, violent, manipulative, dishonest and dangerous. Shock horror femtards! Me, as a woman, can be powerful enough to hurt a grown arse man or a little child or adolescent. Yes! Female and powerful!

Without any "policy changes" or "more women in parliament" or automatic pay rises for having a vagina.

And yet, there are cultures that disempower women, for real by law! But who's talking about those?
Yes, femtards insult actual thinking women who believe we are capable of commanding respect without special vagina-owning non-earned privileges or giving men penis-shame while actually, secretly possessing penis-"power" envy.

Retarded thinking that having white skin and a penis automatically endows one with some magic "white male privilege". Retarded.

And maybe, just maybe, it needs to be examined, what, actually, creates "privilege", how did it come to be?
What creates wealth?
Might it, have something to do with ingenuity, alliances, effort, and maturity?
Providing needed services?
And why, oh why, do we have to assume that we don't have it and can't possess it, unless we are a "white male"?
Insulting and disempowering.
The ironic thing is that this PC trend is primarily coming from college and university millenials, agended academics and poli's and media outlets from the secular countries, the mega "privileged" themselves.
 
So baby-loss grief turned into political -ideolog derisiveness.

Have I internalized misogyny?

I don't like manipulative distorting of facts.
I don't like people telling me what to think.
I like being given facts to determine my own views
I just really don't like people lying and demonizing others just for their own ends.

I don't like hypocrisy.

I don't like that I feel betrayed, discarded, hated and demonized by my maternal family (mother and both grandmother's).
I was taught that I wasn't worth anything.
I was just a pain in the arse.
My life was not valued.
I had no value.
My mother taught me this better than anybody.
Female betrayal hurts me more.
The lies that woman aren't powerful hurt me, coz my mum nearly caused me to die of no love. Sounds dramatic but I nearly ended lots of times
. Was resigned to no love for so long.

Took abuse and exploitation instead, because "that was all someone like me should expect.

How did I survive?
I tried to be the mum that I didn't get.

I'm not like her.

It's been hairy and plenty horrid, but I'm not a manipulative, emotionally cruel, selfish and dishonest woman.

I don't assault, spite, taunt, criminally neglect, reject, gaslight, divide, slander, and lie to my children.

I don't even deprive them of their father (despite his egomaniacal narcy anti-social behaviour) because I don't manipulate people and drive them apart and inflict my world view on them and be so blindly, ignorantly selfish.

I isolate though. I don't cope like "normies".
I am a bit bitter.
I am hurt.
I am chronically demoralized.
I have only a candle flicker of hope.
I am very jaded, tired and deeply hurt.
I am strong.
I am loving but oh so cautious and beaten down a bit too much, right now.
I am tiredly angry but much more soul sick and heart broken.
I am inadequate and have given up in lots of ways.
I want to hang on and I will hang on but I'm really fragile now.
I can't take much more for the moment.
Just sad, numb and wanting to get away from the stuff that keeps me there.
I numbed out.
I needed a break.
I have a child to go tend to.
 
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So so much better than I've been, today.

Today I was a bit better.:-).

I even got triggered, by my partner, who got triggered by some neighbor stuff. Nervous system went haywire; adrenal dump.The neighbor stuff's been a big saga. I will post a link to a thread that gives history and add an update soon.
But we dealt with it really well.
I thought about what Swift wrote about the ptsd brain and realised what was happening and was able to take control and manage it better than i have in a long while. :)
 

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