The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

Increments are good! Any movement that goes forward is still forward movement - no matter how small
LOL -- hows that for profound??!!

 

[mumstheword]

So this person is someone I knew since I was a teenager.
Our lives have been intertwined. She got pregnant to a very famous Aboriginal man because we were room mates and this man was staying at our sharehouse, because of work, with me and my ex and our band.

We were both pregnant at the same time, me with my second born (yeah the one with mega problems) and her with a now amazing and beautiful girl in her mid twenties. She was even at the birth of that son.

Anyway, my friend lost care of both that daughter and the next daughter. I was around at the time. She sufferers from some kind of psychotic illness, my friend, not really my friend anymore. She insists she has PTSD, from having her children removed from her care. I was around though, I know she was psychotically unwell and that's why she lost care, so it's really annoying the way she bangs on about having ptsd from having the girls removed from her custody.

The oldest lived with my "friends" parents (she was adopted, so they are the girls adopted grandparents), who my "friend" hates.

She is still very unwell and in denial, very irrational, very grandiose and manic, just really not honest.

On top of that, she interfered, in a big way when I left my ex. She acted as a messenger for him and relayed threats from him to me, even though I had warned her that interfering in my family business would jeopardise our friendship.

She is still clueless and utterly insensitive to how that affected me, and it still triggers me, because I know she still goes around there, scores weed off him and plays the pretend "aunty".. She still tries to push a shared agenda of his, concerning their shared love of weed every day, all day, kind of thing.

I think that someone who suffers this illness would be a little more sensitive and considerate to someone else who has the same thing. Every time, she bangs on about her "ptsd" but proceeds to treat me in an insensitive manner.

My partner had already told her "it wasn't a good time" knowing I'm not up for social visits of any kind, except for my kids.

She just barged in here with a man who I've never met in tow, last night. Walks straight in my house, because she had followed my son up.
I was exceedingly gracious, all things considered. Made them a cup of tea, etc. But I don't have much tolerance for pretentiousness, ignorance and blatant insensitivity to my person anymore, especially from someone who thinks they are "my friend"
She is a massive weed smoker and constantly tried to convince me of its benign harmlessness, while acting delusionally and irrationally and in a very elevated manner.

I do feel for her, but, these days I need people in my life who are "straight with the medicine", who aren't condescending and extremely lacking in self awareness and the ability to be honest about where they are at. I know she's been given other diagnosis's but continues to try to convince me she also has ptsd. Gggrrrrrrr.

She also likes to blow smoke my arse, always making a big do about how I'm her "favourite ever singer and dancer" but it just feels manipulative and incongruent with her general go towards me, which I think she kind of can't help, she's got some kind of too much pot and acid etc. psychosis thing happening. She tried to give me an acid tab last night. Noooooooo way.

 

[ILoveLife]

On top of that, she interfered, in a big way when I left my ex. She acted as a messenger for him and relayed threats from him to me, even though I had warned her that interfering in my family business would jeopardise our friendship.

This is very important.
Even in psychotic and manic folks, this is unacceptable.

She tried to give me an acid tab last night.

What? Lol Damn.

I think you dealt with it extremely gracefully.

 

[mumstheword]

This is very important.
Even in psychotic and manic folks, this is unacceptable.

That's what I think and feel. That was what did it for me.
I warned her, but she didn't listen, she's absolutely complicit in the abuse because of this behaviour, so I can't trust her anymore, because she had never been able to acknowledge what she did to hurt me and break my sense of safety with her.

Thank you for your support and understanding @Seitz .

We've got a bunch of drunken, abusive people roaming around spoiling for a fight and screaming abuse outside our place at the moment.
Grrrr damn "festival" time, as you can imagine, I didn't go out and party. It should be over, but our neighbors have a bunch of horrible hangers-on making nuisances of themselves.:devilish::arghh;:confused:
Phew it's finally quieting down.:geek:

 

[ILoveLife]

Ugh.. Festivals.. Can't stand the crowds.. There's always all sorts of freakish stuff happening when everyone gets together and drinks too much.

Glad you're safe inside.
:hug:

 

[ladee]

You are so much kinder than I am Mums... People like this do not get 'subtle' much less blunt. It brought to mind a person who I have been trying to get out of my life for years... one day, I just said, very quietly, but hopefully menacing, to get the f*ck out of my house. She sat there for a minute, not believing what she heard, until I picked up the phone.. I wasn't going to call the police over something this stupid, but she didn't know that...and she left.

Tho she still texts or calls, I finally blocked her on my phone. I truly hope there comes a day for you, that, however is Mums Way to get this person out of your life, works for you. We have enough reminders that live in our head and memory to keep us stressed, without someone barging into our home...

I know you are trying to hard to get out of the place you are in. There hasn't been one thing you set your mind to that you didn't accomplish. Whether it be about you, your kids or your mental health... that you didn't find a way.. If nothing else we do learn to persevere... so give some thought how to get her out of your life.... I know it will help to not be living where you are. but use mental energy on how to get rid of her, and do not give her the power to drag you into the past of her betrayals and insanity. Easier said than done. I know this. But you are very 'accomplished', whether you feel that way or not...

We work too hard to put the past in the past, without that kind of extra stress... Here in Texas, we would say this about her, "she ain't about a thang", (Thing in normal speak lol) and get rid of her ass somehow , someway... Do not let her drag you down that memory lane of abject betrayal. Doesn't matter what her 'mental issues' are.. she came into your home, that is something you have power about....

Just encouraging you to figure out how to get rid of her, and not let her past actions continue to hurt and upset you... like I said, easier said than done... but I have yet to see an obstacle you haven't tackled and got it done... hang in there... supporting you and coaching you on how to say bad words and mean them... lol.... :devilish::D

 

[Freida]

I do feel for her, but, these days I need people in my life who are "straight with the medicine", who aren't condescending and extremely lacking in self awareness and the ability to be honest about where they are at.

I had to learn the hard way that some times other people's issues have such a negative impact on my life I have to kick them to the curb. It makes me feel like crap sometimes, but I have to take care of me first. It's about survival. And surprisingly - they don't seem to miss me once I'm no longer there to deal with their crap.

 

[mumstheword]

That's what I think and feel. That was what did it for me.
I warned her, but she didn't listen, she...

So I'm not sure what to do. Our Elder neighbor, a very loud alcoholic woman who is also Aboriginal was yelling into the night, at someone camping here, one of her relos most likely, she finally stopped in the wee hours of the morning when it rained. But is at it again, woke me up this morning. I don't know whether to ring the cops or not. This is the way they often seem to talk to each other, the Bungulung people around here. It's loud, aggressive, cussing, just really DV sounding.
I don't want to go and get involved and find out what's going on. My SO did last night, there where children around and it's very distressing to know that.

Oh, she's stopped again. *Sigh*

 

[mumstheword]

So, one of my neighbors has taken her children and fled to a women's refuge.
Apparently her SO was trying to kill her last night, there was a bunch of people there and they did nothing, just stood around watching.
She realised that she had no safety and took off with the kids early this morning.
I'm so glad she got out.
It's triggery but relieving.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm just broken right now. Got sooo triggered hearing about the neighbor ending up in a refuge after fleeing her home.

I ended up in a refuge after fleeing my home.

I only had one of my children with me though.

My guy and I had a little fight after finding out, we are both relieved but triggered.
He got angry and I cried and dissociated.
There is soooo much intergenerational trauma around here.
I want to pull my cloak of victimhood around me and be both seen and invisible
I want to wallow in the shame and humiliation of it, but I don't, it feels bad
I want to feel responsible and powerless
I am
I grew up in domestic abuse, with mentally ill and psycho-socially disabled parents and violence
I want to wallow in the shame of it and be excused for being so developmentally f*cked.
I grew up without safety, community security or comfort.
I hate my shame but I can't stop feeling it.
I don't feel secure with anybody right now.
Triggered.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling feelings, then feeling shame for having the feelings. Feeling unsafe for showing the feelings.
Feeling sad for my neighbor and all of us that go through or have been.through Domestic violence and abuse.
More than sad, devastated.
Myself, my partner and our next door neighbor, that told us, have all gone through it.

Her ex is an meth head. A violent, nasty one.

My ex is a cult-leader type/hebophllic/ drug pusher gaslighter narcissist.

My partners is a borderline/psychotic, violent abusive homeless lady.

I think the neighbor that.left is an ex meth head and her abuser is probably still a meth head.
They is soo much meth and coke and and and drugs drugs drugs around here.

I want out.
I saw my.lovely trauma T today. She introduced me to another client.
My T want to bring a small select group together and do fun things with us.
Her other client seemed to like me.
I also visited my friend,.My bestie who just lost her guy to suicide, she was really happy to spend time with me.
She had been very kind to me and appreciative.of my friendship, peer support and authenticity.
The only people I seem to connect with these days have either been.through absolute hell or minister to those that do, or both, I guess.

I hate that I got so affected by hearing about the neighbor. I really came undone. I think.My partner was just really upset about it too, but it felt like he was angry at me for being upset.

I have had a lot of mean treatment when I'm in a bad way, in the past.
I just start to get very shame filled and want to disappear, want to get away, feel like no one cares all over again, when I feel like someone is angry at me for hurting, being sad, feeling these horrid feelings. Why do I have to be so full of shame for having sad and devastated feelings?

 

[somerandomguy]

((((@mumstheword))))