The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@mumstheword ))) :hug::hug::hug:

Dear, SWEET, LITTLE ONE... You never got to be the little girl that you SHOULD have been able to count on being. There is NO explanation good enough or one that makes ANY sense in this crazy world! What happened to you was WRONG, but you have NOT let ANYTHING keep you from reclaiming what is RIGHTFULLY yours! Your children!

You are LOVING THEM in a way that you are finding to be rather instinctual? You somehow know what they need, even if it isn't really obvious? I believe that YOUR HEART has the capacity for GIGANTIC LOVE which grew with EACH LIFE within you! You even gave your
heart to the babies that didn't make it into your arms.

I have a idea... Just a thought... What if you write these words separately on pieces of paper, and have a kind of "ceremony" to symbolize the process of getting rid of old and now un-needed feelings.
1) self disgust
2) fraudulence
3) self contempt
4) deep shame
5) avoidance
6) apathy
7) hopelessness
8) despair

You can gather up the pieces of paper and maybe go to someplace special with a candle. One by one you burn them and let them go. Or tear them up in tiny pieces.

While you are there, alone or with your Sweetie, (maybe having him "witness" would be helpful) you can burn the slips of paper one by one as you tell those feelings that they have no place in your mind and soul. Tell them that whatever "hold" they had on you is no longer there. No, they probably won't "stay gone", but you have given them "notice!"

Obviously this is not a magic trick... And not probable within our own experience. God CAN fix and/or change ANY situation. And, the mind is a powerful thing and sometimes speaking things out loud, in the right place at the right time, can cause a shift in our mindset. THAT might be the thing that will facilitate a change in the right direction. It certainly can't hurt!

Oh, and THEN, you can bury the ashes or blow them into the wind. Either way, you have turned loose some new healing energy!

Feel free to not do what I have suggested... It was something that just popped into my head/heart. My T is big on ceremonial acts to honor our feelings and I do them when I feel the need for something "more" than just going round and round in my head.

You are SO LOVED (((Little@mums)))

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you sweet @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ
I'm feeling quite a bit better today.
I still want to do nothing more than isolate and stay home, hiding really, but I've made some progress, I know it.

I spent a lot of time on the phone to someone I met in the hospital. I think it was good for both of us.
I'm accepting myself and the way I am, more and more.
I can't ignore little me. I need to parent her and let her come to the fore when.she wants to.
I'm lucky my sweetheart is lovely to my little, totally accepts her/me and loves the whole of me.
I also find letting Nezza emerge as much as she likes helps me a great deal.
As for the unworthy stuff, just doing what you suggested had me uncomfortable.
I feel like there are parts very resistant to dislodging the shame and self judgement and I almost feel that sitting with the feelings and applying my awareness of how they were inflicted on me and "inserted" into me since I was a wee, wee bairn, is helping.

Shame certainly won't go away without compassionate treatment and I do have that but I'm very, very wary about who I open up to and reveal anything about myself to, these days.
I think that's why I am going with the self inflicted home bodying so much at the moment.

My home is my turtle/terrapin shell.
I am slowly getting to where ever it is I am going.

 

[ladee]

I know I put too much pressure on myself sometimes @mumstheword , when I need to be alone. I need quite. I need time with myself. Yes, we have to find a balance, but like what you said about finding your own way at your own pace. I don't think I've heard anyone share that they got healthy in a busy airport or shopping mall !!!

Learning to take care of our self... pretty important on this list of a gazillion things to do to heal and be happier and more productive... we come closer to doing real healing in the solitude. No distractions. Except the ones we choose. I'm doing the same thing right now. Just me, my little, HD, and not answering the phone if I don't want to... good for you !!! Healing happens in quite. gentle hugs...

 

[mumstheword]

So true @ladee :hug:
For me, another day spent crying and grieving.
This time for me as a victim of DV as well as all the others in that position.

My oldest daughter texted me that she won an award today "top/best student" at the Tafe she attends:joyful: I rang her straight away. She had no idea she was even in the running, let alone would be chosen.
So proud, I am. Against so many odds she triumphs. She's already been in and now out, of an abusive relationship, as has my oldest son. She's 24 and on her way to being a top Australian fashion designer and renown vegan.
My kids are all going to be ok!

I'm going to go to the awards night at the end of the month to support her as she receives her award. I don't even care if her father attends, although I doubt he will, he's never been as attentive to anyone beside himself and his own achievements or life goals.

I have lived for my children's welfare since the beginning of motherhood.
It's not been easy, not by a long shot.
I stayed with their father until I knew I wouldn't survive much longer and then I left so I wouldn't have to truly abandon them.
I was so demoralized I wouldn't have left for my own sake.
I have a lot of self to claim, but motherhood is a huge part of who I am.
I've always been a wounded, yet, caring mum and that's a lot to go through with seven lives to be responsible for bringing in and giving the best possible start to, despite all our challenges.

I have a lot of grief around my spoiled and sabotaged music career too. My ex destroyed my original recordings, my morale, my health, my reputation, my relationship with the majority of my children (only for a time, yay me:stop:).
But, I'm stuck in a no hope town that's slowly killing me, the place that stood by while a talented, original singer/dancer/poet/songwriter lost just about everything, including her life, to a man the town still embraces as a local "weed guru" (my words), illegal drugs, particularly pot, are what makes this town, It's it's life blood.

I can't stop hating it here and I know I won't last much longer here. I'm outa here.

But I've succeeded! Because the reason I came back here was solely for my kids and it's paid off:p They are all going to be alright thanks to me. I know it.:rolleyes: My life of martyrdom l has proven fruitful, very fruitful, but I don't want it to kill me.

There must be plenty of others in my position, who live to give their children a life worth living. Now it's up to me to create a life worth living, for myself.

 

[littleoc]

My kids are all going to be ok!

Yes!! Congrats to her, that's an amazing award! Most people don't get stuff like that!!

But I've succeeded! Because the reason I came back here was solely for my kids and it's paid off:p They are all going to be alright thanks to me. I know it.

Yes! Yay! :D

 

[mumstheword]

So, although I had an utterly miserable, painful, grief-ful day,:cry: it was one that, when you go through it, feel it, contemplate your feelings and situation...not you but I, I feel it and I know I've made progress and come out the other side of something hard.:O_o::angelic::sneaky::rolleyes:

 

[littleoc]

So, although I had an utterly miserable, painful, grief-ful day,:cry: it was one that, when you go...

:hug::hug::hug:

You have come out from something hard -- you've got this!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @littleoc , you sweetheart, you are awesome.
What a heart and mind you have!
You really are one incredible young woman.
I already love you and I haven't "known" you long.:hug:

 

[Swift]

You're doing awesome, @mumstheword .
You've come so far. It's ok to have a grief day.
Hope you feel better soon.

 

[ILoveLife]

They are all going to be alright thanks to me. I know it.

I think this shows what an awesome mom you are :)
Congratulations on your progress and on your daughter's award!

 

[mumstheword]

Pain, my brain reverberates with the throbbing of too many third world moments
Too many no rights times.
Those that claim to represent my gender,
send me more blame and shame
too often.
Coz, I'm a mother of many,
I don't need to be like a man to prove my worth.
I have worth and personal power,
based on my integrity and ability to endure and persist, be truthful and bow to the "God"-in-me. The kingdom is within; my ability to love and transcend gives me more than "shoulds" and "gender wage gap" fallacy politics. Being reminded that I've been victimized and had crimes perpetuated against me, does nobody any favours, it's not a platform, it's a source of shame, pain and misfortune, not based on gender, because I don't live in a country that disallows me basic freedoms and ability-to-own-myself, or no vote, no recognition of my personhood or sexual choice.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
Secular modern society endows me with so much! No, it's not about colour or reproductive faculties because we already have anti -discriminatory laws protecting, it's always been about class and basic ethical respect-for-all. Only the elite and ruthless dictate and now we find "lefty" PC "police" people want to censor and oppress the same way the "haves" have always manipulated the rest. Hysteria and unfounded rhetoric threaten to undermine all the victories our secular societies have fought so hard to obtain for the average man and woman to live and work together.
So no, I'm not a "feminist" when that means ignore the suffering of my fellow fellows and sons. I'm here for actual and non-biased equality of rights for all to have a voice and I have a pussy, but I'll never demand special treatment because of it. I'm equal in value and a woman and I don't have to call myself a feminist, I'm for humanity not SJW profanity.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you people for all the support.
*Sighs*
Just had a nasty nightmare. I can't even go.into the deets, suffice to say, it woke me up with a flood or terror, shame and self -loathing.
Uuuughh
Really really yuck, yep hating on myself right now.
It's part of my pattern too, I start feeling a little better, can.be more "normal" , do more normal stuff and then ... I start the self doubt and self deprecation.
I'm a fake, I'm fine, I'm just a weakling, see, I'm feeling better, I don't really have PTSD, I'm just a giant wuss, there are people who went through genuine bad stuff and have real problems on this site, not me, I'm an.imposter etc. etc. etc.
So yeah, thanks mind, just undermine me. Who needs abusers? I do a brilliant job of it myself.
I may have stopped directly self harming but I'm good at putting myself down and psychologically flogging myself when I start feeling a bit better, it seems, even in my dreams.
I detest myself right now, no wonder my family tend not to be here for me. I'm not here for me, in a deep, fundamental way.
I don't like feeling like this, this constant feeding myself hurtful thoughts, self doubt, self put downs, feelings of being a complete failure and completely unlikable. So what if, now, the occasional person seems to like me (my guy keeps sticking around, which spins me out, I really can't, for the life of me, figure out why).
I guess I feel deeply unlovable, and like I'm a shitty person, right now because having this thing? Really? There are people with real issues here! What have I got to whinge about?!!! And yet I know this is irrational. But that's how I feel. Oh great I'm gonna start sooking and crying again. f*cking sook. Ggggrrrrrrrr. Feeling sucks, bring back the numb and chronic dissociation.
This self negation and self hatred runs too deep.
I wanna go back to sleep
I feel.like I'm a creep
Uuuuuugghhhhhh why do I feel this way?
I do know why, but I don't want to face it
What they did to me
The lies they fed me,
Why didn't it kill me?
I'm surprised I'm still here.
Does being alive make me "worthy"?
I feel dirty.
Like a no good scum bag,
But they told me I was that
I'm fat and a twat
That's how I feel and it's true now
I gave up my life's desire to be a living skin bag coz it felt terrible
I was so stupid, i couldn't think my way out of a paper bag, when I barely ate.
Now I hate myself coz I'm overweight.
I think the self hate started first.
But now I need reasons to shame and deny myself,
Abuse and confine myself,
Hurtful feelings, you are so deep, this incline is so steep.
Ugh I don't like me, coz they brainwashed me and abused me and now I have to feel like a victim, I hate feeling like a victim!
I'd much rather blame myself, coz I can smash me, psychologically, into doing what I want me to do, can't I? No, not anymore, I'm done with unkindness to me, can't you see, I'm hurting me, Love is the answer, Neri.