The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Yes, as usual, my use of unusual words is surprisingly right.

I keened, I cried and wailed in a high pitched greivious fashion just now. Tears are still wet on my face.
I'm still in touch with that.
I really missed out on that mother comfort.
I really missed out there, and it hurts.

Occasionally she was kind, nurturing and present. I couldn't understand why she didn't like me. I think she just can't like or love anybody really. Or if she does, she's terrible at demonstrating.

My little can't work out why we weren't loved.
Now that I know it wasn't something terribly, innately wrong with me, because I now have people who clearly love and care for me.
My little is screaming at me "Why?" Why wasn't I looked after? Comforted? Protected?
Why wasn't I worth loving and caring for?
Was I just so badly damaged from the start? That I couldn't feel love? Even if it was there for me?
Was I really raped as a baby and/or toddler?
I want to think not, but then if I wasn't, it must have been child abuse from my mum, early, very early. Still no comfort there.

If I was raped as a baby and/or toddler, then it could have been that my mum does or did love me, but I was badly damaged and she didn't want to know. So it was still negligence.

Otherwise, it just my mum being a terrible mum that caused me to get c-ptsd.

I know that, if people get the right care, after a traumatic event, they don't usually get this unwell with it. It's only long term trauma and neglect that f*ck a person up this badly.

My mum isn't honest, I.know that. She denied the baby rapes could have happened, but then she denied that I was drugged with magic mushrooms at three and a half, but she already told me about that, so I caught her out on either a lie or a blocking-out denial/memory failure. A bit fishy. Total denial that that happened after she had told me previously, quite casually; had said "it" (the mushroom drugging) quote "made me a bit happier than usual" yeah mum, drugging a small child with powerful hallucinogens is not happiness, it's being drugged.
And why would you be ok with someone doing that to your three year old?
Did you give the ok?
Were you even aware that he was going to do it?
Or were you busy f*cking your schizophrenic boyfriend?
Did you leave me in the "care" of this preschooler drugger?
What else did he do to me mum?

No, "that never happened"
You lie Mum. You already told me it happened.
How can I ever trust her and envision a healthy relationship with her?
Yes, I'm grieving the loss and failings and rubbish parenting from my mum.
And now one of my children is in the same boat.
Very painful.
My son does have a lovely girlfriend, his own age though.
Not a cruel hebophilic narcissist for a partner. That's his Dad. That hurt's never gonna go away, either.

I shouldn't have thought the later childhood sexual abuse was "my due" something to not even mention. No one had threatened me.

Her negligence with the first rape at 16 was very telling.

Her being "happy" that I got knocked up by a cold, cold man twice my age when I was 17.

WTF? Mum? What kind of twisted person are you?
You messed me up, badly. I don't have a mother in my life now, because you were never trustworthy, responsible or a non-abusive parent, Mum.

And so, parenthood, for me, now, is like being a blind person trying to find their way in a treacherous forest, that they've never been in before.

 

[littleoc]

Sounds to me like you didn't have a mom.

But you have you now, which isn't the same but you get to heal now. You get to be a strong person who mothers like an actual human mothers.

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Also:

I'm a little overwhelmed at the kindness, lovelies.

You deserve it. Welcome it! :hug:

 

[Swift]

Yeah...
I'm so sorry for your child.
There is no such thing as a child unworthy of love.
Children develop from the inside out (egocentrically, but I reckon that word has the wrong connotations even though it's correct.)
It's no wonder your child part thinks that it's her fault.
But it isn't.
It never was, and it never could be.
She's got you, now, which is a big job when you're still healing too.
Have you heard of "developmental trauma?"
There are all sorts of really interesting neuroscience theories about it.
And... drugging a kid? Leaving them alone with someone who would drug a kid? Continuing to date someone who would drug a kid? That's not a mother, that's abuse by proxy. "Neglect" doesn't seem strong enough to describe it.

 

[somerandomguy]

Here with you, @mumstheword.

 

[Freida]

I'm just catching up and as usual I am just blown away by your strength and love. You are such an excellent example to me of how hard this journey is, how much strength it takes to make it through, how hard the struggle is. And yet you do it - every single day. You find the good parts in your life to balance out the nightmare and use that to keep going forward. It is astonishing to read what you go through every day, and how you still have the courage to face it head on. I can only dream of being that brave.

My heart breaks for your little. No child should have to feel that unloved or unwanted. It is never ok to do those things to a child -- never. There is no excuse that an adult - family or not - can make for the kind of abuse she had to deal with. I wonder -- can your other parts rally around her? Can they show her that even if she didn't have a mom on the outside they are there to help her now?

 

[mumstheword]

As usual, totally overwhelmed at your kindness again @Swift @Freida @littleoc @somerandomguy thank you friends! :)

As for "developmental trauma" yes, I suspect I am diagnosable with such.

I've finally got the proper c-ptsd diagnosis only a couple of weeks ago and my understanding is that it can encompass a number of disorders.

To date, I've been recovering from, (overcome?)
eating disorder (depravation and binge cycles),
self harm (cutting, ripping hair out, wall-head banging) this was in my teens, mind you, parenthood and DV from the coparent got me to grow out of that stuff, on the whole.
Been misdiagnosed with Borderline and then had it totally overturned by numerous professionals, I was being gaslit and abused , also tortured with sleep dep a lot by my ex. I thought I had bipolar, actually my mum told me she thought I did too, I really went into therapy basically expecting to be diagnosed with bipolar.
I don't think that anymore or have the hyper extended flight mode and rapid cycling mood rollercoaster stuff going on. (Yay! For getting out of DV! :)) And Mulungu, thanks to my guy.(It's an amazing natural balancing and sleep aid)
Heavy drug use (mainly pot and hallucinogens)
Daily panic attacks
Losing my cool, in general; I don't, however circumstances dictate, occasionally I lose it at others but rarely, very rarely.
But yeah development trauma, it's a thing, I most probably have, big time. Part of my lovely c-ptsd package;):wideeyed::arghh;:barefoot::oops:

 

[mumstheword]

Oh I forgot life threatening alcohol use. I used to be, in my teens. Terrible binge drunk

Now, I'm am an exceedingly moderate drinker . I gave up weed completely for six and a half years and took up drinking a bit for a bit, to help with the aftermath of DV, the parental alienation and being housed right of a women's refuge in a very violent, out-of-control hood, with no one and no means of private transport.
Now I enjoy the odd glass of wine, stubby or sip of my guys gin&tonics. I want to clean up my act even more though, I've slipped back, due to ridiculous symptomaticness and being unable to flee this hell hole of a hippy town.

I'm now smoking a moderate amount of weed again too.

But my use of benzos is low and I take no other psych drugs, just need to get some of that mulungu again.:joyful::rolleyes::sleep: it's great for sleep

 

[mumstheword]

Oh yeah, and bone-crunching depression. I was a morbidly anorexic and easily-kill-yourself-recklessness-level risk taker as a mid teen.
The I'll-hitch-this country-over-and-risk-murdered-and-thrown-in-a-ditch-level-coz-I-am-too-miserable-to-care-about-myself level depression etc etc, yeah, I got over that, ok , still getting over that
No, I'll say I'm totally cured of that depression.

Just, coz of what that kind of danger put a very young woman-child in, dealing with the aftermath of that and no one really vouching for me, in that way, for a very long time. Oh sure I was approached by people who looked up to me, didn't know, thought I was all that, and stuff. I'm not being very articulate, I'm not great with handling complements but eventually I've learnt to say "it's really lovely of you to say thst. Thank you:x3::x3::oops::sneaky:

I'm still working on new stuff and what lead to that level of ...You know....symptoms and stuff, very, not good feeling stuff.:(:cool::eek::barefoot: :confused::speechless::hungover::poop::O_o::angelic::notworthy::bored::cry::coffee::unsure::devilish::cautious::headphone::wtf::yuck::wideeyed::yuck::mad:

Mind you, I was easily expoited because was so mindlessly miserable.
I learnt to sing though, sing in front of LOTS of people.
That was excruciating!
Especially for the first ten, 15, years and occasionally now. Who am I kidding, I'm now not doing that, but that's gonna change.:inlove::x3::oops::rolleyes::sorry::playful:
I'm coming back.:):p:roflmao::hug:

 

[ninja]

Welcome to a bit of a kinder part of the world @mumstheword :hug::hug: Embracing and/or standing alongside and rooting for you.

 

[Freida]

To date, I've been recovering from, (overcome?)

Overcome. Definitely Overcome

I'm coming back.

Welcome back!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Overcome. Definitely Overcome


Welcome back!!!!

So I keep thinking about what you've been saying @Freida , about being strong and loving. I need to really let that sink in because I know it's true but feelings of self disgust, fraudulentness, self contempt, deeeeeep shame, avoidance of most people, apathy, hopelessness and despair are weighing me down. I don't know whether to fight it or submit. I don't know whether this will pass if I just go easy on myself or I have to push through with super-human strength. I've done the pushing through, a lot, but I just keep on getting more depression-y fatigued and disinterested in life. When will it go? It's frickin' horrid. I like the middle of the night better when it's beautifully dark and quiet.
I just need my own space I think. More isolating time. Damn being such a "parent" and partnery person, I just want my own quiet me time, like loads more. This recovery shit is exhausting and leaves little energy for others, at times.