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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

(((@mumstheword )))
Many ((( :hug: :hug: :hug: ))) to you, a BEAUTIFUL example of how God can turn bad things into good things for His glory and for the good in our own lives!

You are a LOVING MUM who is ALWAYS VASTLY interested and invested in your children! They know they are LOVED beyond measure, and THAT makes up for mistakes that we think we have made with our kids. You kept yourself alive for them when you didn't want to live for yourself...❤️

You have SO much talent and creativity in you that is lovely to read and in a way, get to be a part of your healing journey. Your spirit shine bright here in the Forum!❣️❣️❣️

I do know that it's hard to accept kind words from other people, and you may hear a "voice" inside you saying "but they don't KNOW me" or "I don't deserve love and kindness." THOSE messages were "installed" into your (((little))) self's growing brain and soul, leaving you with a horrible sense of guilt and shame. That was WRONG! Those voices and messages are WRONG!!!:tdown:

BUT, You are pursuing good mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health, because the BEST gift that you can give your children and your hunny, is a HEALTHY YOU❣️❣️❣️You WILL succeed in a GLORIOUS WAY... And this journey has to be taken before you get there. You are learning the tools to help your children overcome their obstacles. Experience (even bad) is the best teacher!

Even though you frequently feel heavy with all the intense thoughts and feelings, you ARE able to feel the good and sweet stuff, too. Even though those feelings don't stay at the "top" of your emotional "cup", they ARE in your FOREVER memory bank!:hug::hug::hug: Eventually, there will be MORE YEARS of GOOD than bad! It IS coming!❣️❣️❣️

There is always SO much I want to say to you... But I would have to write a novel to get it all in. In person, I could talk your leg off.:D

Have an AWESOME day, and remind yourself often that YOU ARE LOVED!!!❤️❤️❤️
 
Y'know, every time you share more of what you have gone thru in my life it makes me wonder how you survived. And how you kept your kids alive. I think it was the statement about having a baby in the bush and worrying about crocodiles that really hit home with me this morning. You do know that this is not something "normal" people actually experience right? I don't want that to come across as sarcastic or that I don't believer you. Because damn....I'm just dumbfounded that this is what you had to live through!! And that you just toss it out there like....oh yea, this happened.

I don't know if you really get what it is like for me to read that. You had just had a baby and you were worried about crocodiles eating it. I mean.....As @Swift said... WTF??? And you berate yourself for not being a good enough mom???.

To see how horrible your situation was, to see how much you struggled, how much you were abused -- and yet look at you now. Not only are your kids mostly happy and healthy but they are also rebuilding relationships with you.

So let's reword it this way --- you had children in some of the most horrific situations conceivable to mankind. And not only did you keep them alive, but you managed to give them a strong enough belief in themselves to keep going, even when things were bad for you and them.

Overall I'd say you did pretty well.
 
@mumstheword to clarify, when I used the phrase heightened sensitivity I was not r...
Aaah, that makes perfect sense. Yes, in that case, absolutely, I see where you are coming from. Heightened awareness, heightened response to stimuli, strong drive to make meaning as response to stimuli, depth of creative expression, strong drive to express innovative creative expression etc etc your saying these kind of attributes can be referred to as "sensitive" ? That's cool. Yep sensitive and ok with it. Heaps, mega sensitive. Excruciatingly so. And yet, lots of positives in there, for sure. It takes one to know one eh NinjaWolf;)?
 
Y'know, every time you share more of what you have gone thru in my life it makes me wonder how you survi...
Yep, seeing them doing ok is, for sure, my greatest joy.
My biggest relief.
My "recovery" is so bound up in their well-being, which is kind of frightening.
I feel so awkward when people challenge the view of me that I'm defective. Ok, so some parts of me are kind of confident and self -affirming, but the "sensitive" thing, plus the long term abuse have created a bigger portion of me that feels an uncomfortable level of cognitive dissonance when you lovelies say kind and positive things to me.

It makes the abusers seem so much worse and seeing as they don't show shame or own shame towards how they treated me, I have taken on their shame. I don't know how to separate this sense of shame from who I am.

Same, with the various random men who raped me, sexual assaulted me and were also violent to me.

I am ashamed, that I let them do that to me, even though I was very young. I am ashamed that I have suffered so much mental illness as a result of all the abuse, trauma and neglect, abandonment and isolation. I am ashamed of my impairment(s).

I guess I will proceed with treatment and try to make more inroads into this stuff.

I know you get this stuff, guys, and I'm not looking for answers, just voicing it as a method of addressing and an attempt to shift my relationship with this deep seated sense of shame=self.

Before, I could dissociate and numb out, a lot more, now I'm feeling more, things are very raw and I don't know how to be and not slip away into hiding, masking, kind of "disappearing" from myself and operating as a chronically dissociative person.

I went into this with my Trauma counsellor T this morning. Just trying to process and move forward from here, is all.
 
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(((@mumstheword )))
Many ((( :hug: :hug: :hug: ))) to you, a BEAUTIFUL example o...
Trying not to cry at your kindness @AngelkeeperJ . It is strangely hard to receive kindness. And you are so, so kind to me. Why is it that kindness is its own kind of lovely excruciatingness?

I think it's the terror of daring to hope; that this might be true, but still holding deep seated beliefs and schemas that speak of the contrary. It just stirs things up even more. Love you @AngelkeeperJ . Lots and lots of love to you :hug::hug::hug:
 
Exactly. And that excruciatingly so aspect is I think part of what can get misunderstood and wrongly pathologized.
(My T uses this definition as it was devised by a man who came up with a model she uses as part of her approach to therapy. She whacked me on the head about it (you are not weak!) because guess what, I too did not like the sensitive thing. I find this definition be more ‘whole’ or something.)
Hugs to you warrior. :hug::hug:
 
Yep, seeing them doing ok is, for sure, my greatest joy.
My biggest relief.
My "recovery" is so bou...

So ....forward from before.

I had a living room floor dance.:-)
I'm learning how to Shuffle.:-) SO showed me some Youtube vids on it.
He put some trance kinda vibes on, and yeab, I got my sweat on!
In the safety of my own place! Non frozen! :-) This is a huge deal right now!:joyful:
I haven't been to yoga since my overdoing-it yoga weekend :sleep:
I haven't been to NIA for weeks either. Actually been really symptomatic for months and months and months, but more so since my friends suicide and overdoing-it yoga weekend.

I stopped Pilates, and yogalates, at home soon after we moved here. Moving here has been.an.exercise in how to break out of freeze/hide mode symptom with intermittent successes.
This was a big milestone!
Partner sensitively removed himself:p:joyful::x3:
 
(((@mumstheword )))
Many ((( :hug: :hug: :hug: ))) to you, a BEAUTIFUL example o...
This times a million.

they are the ones
Yep. He was the one doing all the bad shit. He's the one responsible. He treated you like no one should ever be treated.
He made your life hell.

You've not only been through hell and survived, you've done it with your humanity intact.
Your love for your kids is inspiring.
Your artistic sensitivity is amazing.
The fact you're not only breathing, but living with light and love to give is just... nothing short of breathtakingly awesome.
I'd be so proud to have you as my mum.
 
This times a million.


Yep. He was the one doing all the bad shit. He's the one responsible. He treated...
f*ck it, ya made me cry Swifty:cry::arghh;. I had to give me sweetie the phone, made 'im read it coz I was just gunna bawl if I tried to read it out to 'im. Ya got me f*ckin' sooking like a f*ckin lil sooky whiny chook.:cry::cry::cry: You're too f*ckin' kind. Love ya Swifty.:hug::hug::hug:
 
This!

You're one of the strongest superhumans there is on this earth mums :hug::hug::hug:
Aaaaaawwww So weird to see myself viewed like this.:x3::x3::x3: I just want to minimize the shit out of everything I've been through, so yeah, cognitive dissonance and weirdness feeling. I don't want to admit how much it took to get through all this. Very confronting.
Thank you though darling Sietz, it's really, really kind of you. Damn, this receiving kindness can be kinda hard work :oops::hungry::shy::smug::x3::x3::x3::x3::x3:
 
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