The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Officially first day back at uni today. Which just means I have to starting studying coz I'm doing the unit externally so it's all online.

I also saw my lovely "Trauma counsellor" not the new clinical psych, and told her about some of my "parts". I'm struggling with all this parts stuff. I don't think I have DID but it's possible that I've been living with DD NOS for most of my life, or possibly all of my life.

I'm just in a pickle about the whole thing though. I need my parts, I don't even function as well when I don't acknowledge them. They are totally real for me but I've been in denial about my dissociative issues and I think I'm just coming to terms with that. It does make me feel like a faker though, because I'm not doing a "Sybil" or a "Tara" it's much more subtle and complex.

Mostly I feel stuck at about 12 and have some strong people inside me, like Nyah and this Nezza character and Baba Yaga, and some very broken ones and child parts that are taking the helm more, now that I'm feeling so much safer.
I'm not grown up. How do I have a grown up child who's 27 in a week? I don't even though how that can be.
I hurt "down there". My tummy hurts too.
I can't be a grown up. I am faking being a grown up and a mum.

 

[NatBird]

Appreciating your courage...

Do you know the book, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, Janina Fisher. Thought to mention as It's helping me get on the path to understanding parts/structural dissociation.

Witnessing and sending support.

 

[mumstheword]

Appreciating your courage...

Do you know the book, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivor...

Thank you Natbird :-) i appreciate yours as well. You sound like an awesome, very intelligent, creative and amazing person.

I haven't heard of that book but it looks intriguing. I think I may have to try track It down and read it. Thanks for the tip and the support. I'll get back to reading yours soon and hope to have something to contribute. :-)

 

[NatBird]

Thank you Natbird :) i appreciate yours as well. You sound like an awesome, very intelligent, crea...

There's no pressure. Take good care. Support.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@mumstheword
You are doing the BEST you can, given what you deal with now, and what you have dealt with over the years. Whatever helps you function, is what you need to do! You ARE doing better and better, and are actively pursuing your recovery, and mental/emotional health! Try not to be too hard on yourself, you have done the best you can do! (It's always harder to deal with stuff when you are in physical pain) Have you had an exam lately? It could easily be Irritable Bowel. 95% of Serotonin is produced in the bowel, so it's no surprise that we get tummy aches.

@NatBird

Witnessing and sending support.

THIS is the wording I am always trying to think of when reading someone's story of their trauma! "Liking" doesn't always convey what I would like it to. It's the best way I reckon to encompass most responses, but I will remember how you have said it!

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword
You are doing the BEST you can, given what you deal with now,...

Darling Angel Heart @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ :-)

You are right I AM doing better than ever :-)

I found something out about my Witchy-Poo - Baba Yaga. I think maybe it was her stopping me from getting on to the domestics. I acknowledged her this morning. I've recently told my youngest son "I have a witch that lives inside of me".

This morning I was giving him some medicines (herbal and nutrient) and he asked me about one thing I'd given him and I said, my witch told me that I should give it to him. He said no mum, don't listen to her. You know Baba Yaga eats children?! I said "she's reformed now, and I would let her abuse anyone. Anyway Witch just means wise women. They been smeared by the church that hunted them down. He is still not trusting my witch and thinks I shouldn't let her out. I told him she is reformed now, no more child eating. Maybe she did that in another lifetime but she has to live with all my other parts and most of them are very very kind and none of them would let her eat children or abuse children. I told him "I tried to get rid of her but she won't leave and anyway,I need her strength and fearlessness".

She is a fount of much wisdom and power.

I found out she has stopped me from making this place "presentable to the public". She's not a big fan of "the public". But she gave me a reward for acknowledging her and defending her to my son. She let me clean the bathroom sink. I think I need to work with her because she is very powerful and if I cut her out and leave her out in the cold, I am weaker and more frightened and debilitated.

 

[mumstheword]

would

Wouldn't not would

 

[mumstheword]

HaHaHaHaHaHa She has doubted me but I rule here. None of them would have survived without me. My courage and fortitude gave her the tools right from the start. I don't fear. I am eternal. There is always life-death-life forever and always. My fire is so much bigger that she, she is merely a spark of my fire. She is beloved of me. Her Beloved nature is my beloved nature. Her quest for knowledge is my quest for knowledge. Her healing powers are my healing powers. I am healing as she heals. Shame ? Huh! That is worthless. My liberated, transcendent nature knows only nature and the power of the eternal and the cyclic order of Mother Earth.

 

[mumstheword]

So there you have it. That's where she's coming from. My Baba Yaga. I once did a Pleadian Lightwork course where we learnt dispossession and it was amazing. I got a lot of relief and release and freedom from it but when the person I was working with (we worked in pairs) told me she could see a witch in my aura/chakras but she couldn't remove her, I realized that she's part of me. And even though she's deeply frightened me at times, I know I need to accept her Presence in my Being.

 

[mumstheword]

I mentioned to my guy about the witch and how she let me clean the bathroom sink but that the mess doesn't bother her. In fact it kind of suits her, in general. I said "I know that sounds really crazy."
He said "it's ok, as long as Its not all the time. It's all you." I said I know but Self is complex.

I felt scared that he would judge me about this. That he will leave me. So far everyone either leaves me (my Dad), or judges and leaves me (mum, Alan, our children).

I binge ate the chips I had bought for the kids school lunch. Feeling frightened, exposed and vulnerable. So used to being judged as "crazy" by people close to me. My mum, my ex, my children, that horrid psychiatrist. It hurts and it's scary and I don't like this feeling so vulnerable and exposed.

Feeling teary. I am a frightened, abandoned child. No body cares about me. I am so vulnerable. I only have my parts to comfort me, keep me company, look after me. I hope they don't frighten these people I care about, away. That's why I hide so much. "I" am not "normal". "I" am not acceptable. "I" am alone.

Parts can hide behind other parts because if I show myself, I will surely be rejected. So scared, so lonely, so left out in the cold, so judged, so abused, so tossed away.

But not all of me. Some are strong, triumphant, powerful, transcendent.

Please don't leave this frightened child. She needs somebody. Don't judge me as "crazy" I am just damaged from too much abuse and neglect.

 

[mumstheword]

Wow. I am quite confronted by what's emerging. I don't know what to make of it. Luckily I have the clinical psych to go to (I hope). I just made the call. Got her answering machine, left a message.

I have been trying to study. It's very hard. Lots of resistance. Lots of judgement. Lots of brain fog and brain pain.

Learning about "close reading" and "Liberal Humanism". Some of it resonates and some of it grates. I feel/think "Pompous, gratuitous, arrogant academics" but I also feel grateful to them. I am pretty much safer in academia than plenty of the world. I can be in my own head. Much safer than being in the body or in relationship.

I have always read and hid in books, since I learnt to read at 7, I have been trying to lose myself in my own intellect and other's stories (a lot).

My little girl-self got frozen and hid in stories to avoid the pain and the insane and the threat and bondage and shame that enveloped her life.

My Aspi Dad is an Academic. He is so damn dissociated. I don't want to go back to retreating into my intellect and other's stories so much, hense the resistance. Frightened of going backwards. I already try to avoid being in my reality too much of the time.

My Dad I don't want to be like. So socially awkward, so dissociated, so profoundly not connected. It frightens me. My internalized father. Not a cruel man but a lost man, a stuck man, a very lonely and alone man, a frightened man, a very Aspergers man. Not a very empowered man, but a gentleman. Timid, damaged, childlike, ineffective but what an intellect and a kind heart. To me, he is weak though, for leaving me to get so damaged and mistreated. For not responding til too little, too late. Weak and ineffective I am terrified of being that, so my academic self? f*cking scary. Where is Nezza to counter this frightened Nerd?!?!

 

[mumstheword]

No good calling on Nezza. Profoundly not academic; instead, angry, uncouth, irreverent, tough, streetwise, doesn't give enough of a shit, not particularly empowered or hopeful, the apathy of the poor and disadvantaged, but not frightened of violence, drug taking, mental discord, abuse, chaos. No, she lives it or has lived it. Many babies later. Homelessness and near death. Social housing and squalor. Poverty and a f*ck you attitude. But she's a survivor and can handle it, so I need her. I need her to be me when I am too timid, too refined, too nerdy, too repressed, too empathetic, too sensitive, too lady-like to cope with this disadvantaged life of a PTSD sufferer. She is not particularly uplifted but she can laugh, swear, endure, have sex and "keep it real". f*ck she's tough!