The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

:O_o: This one I just dubbed "Earth Healing"

 

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

That one is "Busy Skies".
No they aren't fireworks. More like ufo's, orbs and other high strangeness.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Such intricate designs love them.

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword you most definitely have the right to find your way to individual hea...

Sweet, kind NinjaWolf:hug: (I just, now, discovered the extensive emoticons available). I find it a really hard thing to do.Usually I end up engulfed in shame and I disconnect from myself. Deep seated sense of inferiority and unworthiness. However, I am better than I used to be, workin' it, workin' it, working this recovery! (sang, however you like).

 

[mumstheword]

Such intricate designs love them.

Glad you like 'em.:)

 

[mumstheword]

Another tortured day. Really nasty. I drew through it but it didn't help. Finally reached out to my guy tonight, or more accurately he noticed something was amiss with me and he gave me some comfort and support. It finally eased.
Thoughts running through my head.
"I hate you mum for giving birth to me. Why did you bother raising me? When you just wanted to hate me and spite me and use me?".
"I can't wait to die".
Horrid stuff like that.
There were times when I experienced a little care. The odd teacher. One time my mother gave me to a nice lady who would have loved a daughter like me I stayed with her and her husband for a few months. Eventually my mum wanted me back (no idea why, other than maybe child support) the nice lady offered to keep me and I was so hoping my.mum said yes. I got a few months of what it was like to have a non disordered personality caring for me. Actually caring.

No wondered I now torture myself with feelings of such terrible self esteem, I can't wait for non existence.

I had to backwards justify why I was despicable and worthless, so at twelve I decided I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted to disappear. I wasn't worthy of food. I was disgusting repulsive. Skeletal was my goal. Eating was proof that I was weak, disgusting, repulsive. My new curves were unacceptable. I was unacceptable.

 

[mumstheword]

Don't actually want to die. I WANT TO LIVE!
I want "normality". Somewhere nice to live. Zero narcissists and liars in my life. Zero abusive people in my world.
Health. To not have bouts of internal torture.
Work that I enjoy and get remunerated for.

 

[ladee]

I remember this part of my journey @mumstheword , I could have said those same words, and it seems I turned a corner then, things started to change for me, the noise of self hatred was still there, but it was starting to be drowned out a little at a time with things that were starting to be good. My perception of myself started to change, so therefore I was seeking healthier people in my life, doing things for myself I had never done before...
It wasn't a big dramatic change, but something shifted, some things started to make sense, I wasn't just a looser that couldn't get her life together, the light on my path became a little brighter.... an understanding that all I had been thru to that point had been necessary for my growth...

Things started to change, I started to change, so am really hoping this is what is happening for you. This journey is not all about pain and suffering... it does start to change and we find out that wanting to live was the deal breaker.... it opened doors I didn't know were there...

Hoping this train of thought keeps you afloat until you really start to see you and your life in a different light... you can do this....

Maybe we go thru the really bad times, to truly appreciate on a very deep level when things start to change and get better... it changes us in a deep place. our core self that no damage was done.... that has kept us alive until we really wanted to live... I don't know how it works....but I do know we are worth it, we do get to live and find out the great and wonderful things about our self...

So sending gentle hugs if you accept... and even tho there will still be bumps in the road, you are on the right path...

And because you like to draw, have you ever checked out a drawing of techniques called "Zentangle" ?? You can Google it... I do it, and it might be something you really enjoy, and it is very peaceful and you can make some very beautiful artwork...just a suggestion....

Keep on keepin' on... you got this !!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @ladee !:hug: I gratefully accept hugs from a kind soul such as yourself.
Your words resonate and spark my hope and sense of resilience.
I do zentangle. I bought a book and I like to look up designs for inspiration as well. Will upload some sometime..
It's just a tough anniversary month for me. I know it will pass and things will lighten up.

I have good friends, good therapists and good progeny. It's me that needs fixing. I'm very conscious that the damage is in me. I don't treat people badly but I'm so lacking in motivation and I've given in to it this past year.
My two losses that occurred last year are simmering under the surface and bringing up deep despair, hopelessness, helplessness and a sense of trappedness. It's very unpleasant.
I know it will pass though.
I have a lot of faith.
And determination.
I dreamed I got reunited with a couple of tiny girls that were mine. It was so beautiful. Best dream I've had in ages.

 

[mumstheword]

I feel I've turned a corner with this last bout of emotional flashback. I stopped fighting it and now I'm just accepting it. Stopped judging myself so harshly. This is me. I have complex PTSD. I'm a gifted songwriter, vocalist, performer, a good peer worker, mother, cook, masseuse, partner, friend, a budding visual artist, aromatherapist, cultural theorist, Arts student.

So I'm not defined by my condition. At the moment it's severe. That's ok. That goes with the territory. I am seeking and accessing the right supports to help me get through this

I have already got through; self harming including cutting, life threatening depression, eating disorder including severe malnourishment leading to psychosis, bipolar-like mood swings and extreme hyper and hypo arousal; long-term narcissistic abuse (37 years in direct contact with two-mum and BabyDada, other than a year of homelessness and severe symptoms, raped and assaults as a 16 year old, which made me prey to the 34 yr old predator who I got trapped with for 21 years), 10 pregnancies, 7 of them resulting in live births, all of which I raised, at least until their teens, one of them failure-to-thrive developmentally-delayed ASD, deprived of early intervention due to his narc/sociopath father, all born without medical care into my very hard conditions; numerous severe illnesses without hospital, numerous rapes and assaults as a child and teen, death threats from the age of three with gun, then one by Step dad with hack saw at nine, dangerous insanity-inducing drugging, raping for two days and near-strangling by rapist, many many tortuous druggings by long-term sociopathic abuser/coparent (for control and sadism), homelessness and maternal alienation leading to Acute Stress Disorder (more to it than that but that was a biggy).

So if I managed to get through all that, I can get through this. Wow, that's actually a lot of bad stuff. I hadn't written it before. I mean there's more, but that is quite enough for now.

 

[mumstheword]

ZENTANGLES I HAVE DONE