So I had 2 phone counselling sessions today. I feel kinda cared about with that.
One was set up, my trauma counsellor texted me yesterday asking if we could do our session by phone today. Her son is home sick.
It took me a year to get her, I had to apply at the neighborhood centre and wait, but it doesn't cost me. I feel so lucky.
She told me I need to slow down, let myself grieve, curl up in bed and cry. I did cry while I was talking to her but I don't want to get too immersed in feeling so much.
She said I intellectualize a lot but really I'm a heart person, a feeling kind of person.
That's part of the problem.
Suicide is devastating.
Partner abuse and betrayal is devastating.
One's children being complicit and manipulated to abuse and be abused by that very same abusive co-parent is devastating, ok we are getting over this, but it's still a process.
I don't feel comforted by the fact that people who experience long-term narcissistic abuse don't get the same validation, it's so hard to describe how it destroys you from the inside.
I can't even mention it to my children, he's still got them tied in knots, reliant on him, they are breaking free though.
My 19 year old son, who incidentally , is so tied, so disempowered, so dependant on his Dad, he hasn't told his Dad or any of his brothers about his "non-normative" sexuality or gender-bending or whatever you want to call it, only me and his sisters. He clearly doesn't feel safe or comfortable sharing who he really is, with his father. No real surprises there.
I want him with me so bad, he's my sensitive , pushing-the-boundaries-of-convention, gentle, young adult, non-binary son.
The neglect I've been forced into, with my kids, because of their Dad's selfish, narcy, spitefully, vengeful, destruction parental alienation, breaks my heart into tiny pieces.
Agency was denied me, due to abuse, the one thing I lived for, to protect and care for my children, was taken away from me, for years, because he knew that I cared about them more than anything.
It was how he got me to stay for so long.
"You're crazy" he would say "if you leave me, you'll never get the children, because you're crazy"...
...I believed him for so long, it was only when I knew my body wasn't going hold up for much longer and I made a friend, a friend who actually cared about me! For the first time someone really cared about me!
I was faced with a choice, stay and keep dying or leave, leave my babies!!!!! What a shit choice!
I did manage to take him to court and win custody of my 2 under 12's, the babies of my babies ( the other 5 are now young adults and over the worst of the father abuse and the witnessing and participating in the mother abuse) but I had the worst lawyer. A lecherous lazy, self-only-interested arsehole, who didn't care about the extreme narc that my ex is, and wouldn't do the job to help me get my bigger kids back.
Here, the family court aren't interested in placing teenagers with the safer, more responsible parent, they don't help or talk or represent them or the distressed parent who's worried about them.
Incidentally that lawyer scoped me out for sex, coming around on a weekend, to my house, without even ringing first. I know this because my bestie, the one who just lost her man, was seduced by him, when she went to him for legal help in her own parental ailienation shituation.
She ended up losing all contact with her son and got f*cked by that prick for years. She is a lot more vulnerable than me. She got misdiagnosed and was bullied by the family court (instigated by her narcy ex) to take psych drugs that made her so much more mentally ill than she was before that. She had to comply or have no contact with her son, but the drugs made her so much sicker and more mentally ill!
Now she has to deal with the pain of losing her best (guy) friend and her only child.
I hope her boy comes back to her, one day.
Mine are, it's the most healing thing of all.
