The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Actually, I'll correct myself. My "white male" partner has been discriminated against and abused about his gender.

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah you're absolutely right. Doesn't give them a right to act like a jerk about it. Sorry.

No worries Swift:)
Thanks for the offer. I might need guidance on this topic yet, although I've really taken a lot of time to educate myself on it and have had queer friends since I myself was a teen. Oh I also had plenty of woman on woman experiences myself, young, but no, I don't identify as bi or lesbian, but, I certainly have and have had, mates who do.

 

[mumstheword]

And yeah, I can confirm your suspicion that I am extremely heartbroken about this latest event, following on from all that's happened previously.

 

[littleoc]

There are few worse feelings than being fully supportive of someone who acts as though you aren't supportive.

I don't know why, but it's one of the worst feelings out there. I wish I had advice. I can tell you're both hurting. Best wishes

 

[mumstheword]

There are few worse feelings than being fully supportive of someone who acts as though you aren't supp...

Yeah. My kid's been damaged by the neglect inflicted on both of us. It's appalling. I think he's very hurt and confused and frightened and yeah, taking it out on me coz I don't hold with gendered and identity "victim" politics as portrayed by various politician types who really have no sound policies, rather they grandstand in rather hypocritical ways.

That which serves only to further cognitive distortions such as black and white thinking, talking in huge generalizations which only minimise and expoit the experiences of those who have been genuinely "victimized" damn I hate using that word.

Anyway that's what he used as a "reason" to continuously take what I was saying out of context and let me know just how depressed, and messed up he actually is. Now it's his turn. Taking the suicidality count up to 5 of my children. Every one of my male children have struggled with suicidality. This is the legacy of narcissistic abuse.

And yeah,.I feel like a piece of shit because I got knocked up as a suffering teen, which probably saved my life but also perpetuated my suffering ad infinitum.

Thank God I bred plenty of siblings for him, hopefully they help him through it, as they have supported each of them through suicidality, other than my youngest, which I've pretty much supported through it myself, for the.most part, as a single mum. Mind you that is the child who says one of his older brothers has been more of a father to him that his own father. I will add that my bloke has fathered him more than his own father.

This is just about a month after I lost a good friend and very loved boyfriend of my RL bestie, to suicide.

Hurts, hurts a real lot.

 

[littleoc]

Yeah. My kid's been damaged by the neglect inflicted on both of us. It's appalling. I think he's ve...

:hug::hug:

I wish I could say more. But I'm supporting you

 

[ninja]

Sending a candle, if wanted, for your kid.
Gentle hugs and warmth . . I am sorry it hurts so much, and for how difficult it has been.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so incredibly sad. I feel like my heart has been rebroken and this has been a shattering experience.
All I wanted, from the time they were born, was for them to be ok.
How naive was I ?
Such a hopeful, but zombie-like moron, was I.
I'm always waiting for the next "trainwreck" and they are coming too thick and fast for me to get past, before the next one hits.
I'm so incredibly worn out and sad!
I carry on though, very debilitated, but I can still laugh, joke, feed my kids, love my guy.

I just cry, a lot, been drawing again, been raging, ranting, freezing (as in too overwhelmed to leave my bed much), feeling just shot. Shot to peices, right through the heart. Didn't take much just my kid to say "I feel like killing myself". It's different for me, from my twelve year old saying it, to my 19 year old saying it. Our relationship is tenuous, it's way too strenuous for my nervous system, right now. I feel like a victim, in my ex's shitstem,. Will it ever end? It's manipulation, mean dirty tantrums, lying and distortion, recrimination and callous disregard, ignoring me nearly dying, like I'm not even a person. I was just an object, a performing doll, a thing for others to be served by, it's wrong, even my sons have treated me thus, first I was obtained, as a frightened raped child, then impregnated, constantly frightened, left alone in the bush, with very sick child, then me and more, they just pored out of me, these babies. On the road, in a car park, in a banana shed, up a rough bush track, we never got doctors or care from him, everything was for him, I didn't go easy, I fought sometimes, tried to get treated fairly, but he would always best me, I was just festy, grovelly and revolting and would get so sick, so ill, he called me crazy constantly, I would chant to myself "If my children are ok, then I'm ok" even though I wasn't, and couldn't stop him nearly destroying me. I did flee. I'm still not free, from his tyranny. He hurts me, by hurting my children. It's not Zen, it's f*cked.

 

[Freida]

He didn't destroy you. Read that again. He. Didnt. Destroy. You.
If he had you wouldn't be so worried about your kids....reaching out to them even when they treat you like crap..saving their lives over and over even at a huge cost to you. Those are not the actions of a destroyed person. Those are the actions of some one in a horrific environment desperately trying to survive.

He was a monster who tried to destroy everything in his path. You are that little flicker of hope who kept all of you going.

 

[mumstheword]

I love you @Freida. I honestly do.
Thank you.
I feel so wan though, so weary. I know there's still fight in me, but I need so much care now.
I'm so affected by people trying to manipulate or discredit me now, even if it's one of my children.
I feel guilt because my kid has treated me badly and I got so affected.
I can't take much anymore.
I can't even do much anymore.
I retreat easily.
I have so little capacity at the moment.
The guilt is huge.
The sense of failure.
The humiliation.
The fear, the fear, the fear.
I can't stand people coming to my door.
I can't handle dishonesty or people who try to manipulate, denigrate, invalidate, or treat me or others in a power trippy way.
I just have so little trust in most people. I'm like a beaten dog, who's home is the table I hide under, I don't want to come out for fear of the next beating.

 

[Freida]

Awwww,,, thanks,,:hug::hug::hug:
Can you get away again, maybe for a weekend? Or maybe just take a day and drive somewhere to help you clear your head Woods, beach, lake? someplace where you can get some nature time in? Plus it helps you hide from the doorbell ringers!

 

[mumstheword]

Goods news:p :hug: Son texted me and apologized, "loves me" wants to "still do lunch and stuff".
I told him I had had my heart rebroken a bit , over it
and why. Haven't heard back yet.
Also, daughter has braces appointment up the coast tomorrow so we are going to stop somewhere, estuary or beach, not sure which yet, on the way.:joyful: