The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[somerandomguy]

Mums - you're overwhelmed! It's ok! You don't have to do anything until you're ready. You don't have to do anything, period.

You don't owe your family anything.

 

[littleoc]

:inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove:

Why couldn't she treat me kindly, if she had had someone kindly to take care of her?

I wonder that too. You deserved so much better than you got. And she should have known better.

What I hate about having to talk to my mum is having to be fake, and pretend everything is fine, which I can't do anymore

Not that I think this is an easy thing to do, but you deserve to be able to speak to people how you mean to. You've been able to, to an extent, with others, and you're doing really, really well with it. And always improving. Don't let her hold you back.

Should I block her, I wonder?

List the pros and cons?

What kind of a person does that? That's pathetic.

You're not pathetic. Not at all.

You're the furthest from a horrible person possible.

^^^^

I've noticed that if I get really high anxiety, I won't always get "traditional" panic attacks. I'll freeze up and be unable to react, sometimes for days. I thought it was the head injuries, but I've been taught by doctors that it's at best an indirect response to brain injuries that caused anxiety to increase. So, I'd personally call freezing up normal. You're trying to balance who you've become now, versus how you have had to treat her in the past. I think we'd all freeze up with that kind of pressure

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much! :) @Sietz @Swift @somerandomguy and @littleoc !
I've slept on it and I feel much better. I didn't even overeat, or eat chocolate, even though I have some in the cupboard, or drink much of that lovely organic red wine! So, I'm proud of myself about that!
I figured it's ok, to leave it, til I have an authentic way that, also, feels like it's going to keep me safe, when I text my mum.

She has plenty of support. My younger brother and three sisters, her boyfriend (my mum married again, all my sibs are from her union with my lovely [even though he threatened to kill me with a hacksaw when I was 11, and I think that's what tipped me over into PTSD land] Stepfather) and she's an heiress to quite a bit of property and possibly money. She's doing ok.

I'm steadily losing this weight I've been struggling with for the last 5 years! (Three miscarriages didn't help).

 

[mumstheword]

I wanted to go into a minor trauma; the middle, failed pregnancy, early last year, where I had a dead baby inside me for a month, a bad doctor and a neighbor from hell trying to get my guy charged for the assault that she carried out on him, while dealing with the dead and/or trisomy 13 (a severe chromosomal abnormality leading to severe retardation and very frequent death in womb or shortly after) foetus.... But I'm still struggling with the mum stuff.

My mother was very histrionic when I was growing up. We moved frequently. She changed partners frequently. There was yelling, screaming, constant cries of victimhood while abusing others, violence, complete self-focus, and at the same time, a lot of isolation and being left with various other people when she would go off with a boyfriend or just palm me on off to others when it suited her.

She was unbelievably selfish (towards me, at least), insensitive, derisive, taunting, judgemental, shaming, neglectful and never accountable.
Even though my mum was 24 when she had me, she behaved like a teenager and still plays the poor little girl/victim, to this day, to manipulate others to take care of her, combined with the angry red queen from Alice in Wonderland, serving as judge, jury and exocutioner. She was also a welfare mum, which I feel shame for, as well.
I hate that I think so poorly of her. See what I mean about being a crappy person, about this?
I know she's "very damaged" as my mental health nurse practitioner puts it, but I don't know if I can put myself aside anymore to try to have a relationship with her. It's never a two way street, nor does she demonstrate the level of honesty, self awareness, sensitivity to others and accountability I need, in order to build trust with people. This leaves me feeling extremely shame-filled, guilty, inadequate and weak.

I've been a scapegoat, too much in my life, and I think that my fear is not irrational in believing that that is a very real risk, if I reengage with her.

I don't think It helps that I am my Aspie Dad's daughter and I have no siblings with the same mum and dad.

I don't think It helps that I have ptsd.

I'll have to try to forgive myself for these feelings of deep unworthiness and lack-of-safety, in regards to my mum.

At least I know I'm not like her in the way I parent my kids, except in the ways I am. I am pretty avoidant since the abuse and betrayal from when I had to leave and was blamed and shunned and judged so much. It is more echoes of how my mum raised me.

I always treat my children very kindly when I see them though. I never blame them. I am honest and kind and understanding and I try to boost their self regard, while not enabling entitled or unrealistic thinking, on their part.

I used to indulge them way to much, I was an over-indulgent codependent, but I'm a long way from that now, and a work in progress, still having some tendencies that my guy, thankfully, pulls me up on.

I do like doing little things for them to show them I love them, but I'm trying not to do that, when they treat me poorly or take me for granted, to counteract the overindulgence I used to, frequently, indulge in.

I was a sick lady and I knew it. It's hard to be in constant abuse and not be very ill in the way you behave. I thought I had no choice. I didn't want to lose them. But it nearly cost me my life and it did cost me my sanity.

Luckily, I was still sane enough to find my way back to the land of the living and address my terribly maladaptive ways.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm wondering how she's feeling, now that her mum is gone.
Is she relieved? Super stressed at the work it's generated for her?
Does she feel resolved? Or did she miss her chance to sort through her own disordered and damaged attachment with her mum?
How will I feel when It's my turn to say goodbye for good, to her?
I know she must be hurting that I stopped talking to her.
I want her to get some therapeutic support.
I want her to face her own fears so I, and my sibs don't have such a terrible time, as we've had with her. But that is unrealistic.
She asked me to "off" her before she loses her mind totally, me and my brother. I told her it was too much to ask of us.
Asking us to murder her so she doesn't have to suffer as her mind deteriorates. If she really wanted to do that, she could organise to go to a country where voluntary euthanasia is legal, she has the resources to do that.

I can't. When I was losing my mind and health, she has the resources to be there for me and she chose not to.
I just don't have that kind of spare energy. I have 7 children! My priorities lie with them! And the man who is the only one who has consistently been there for me.

I don't think neglectful parents realize how much it takes just to survive the kinds of neglect they inflict, especially when It's accompanied by consistent and life-threatening and damaging abuse, as well.

I still don't feel anything about my grandmother dying. I grieved the lack of her when she was alive. She was an actual textbook hypercondriac anyway, she was "dying" practically my whole life.

I wish I had of had any maternal relationship that gave me love and security. Feeling depressed about the empty hole where that should have been. I'm going to drink the last drop of red wine, now.

 

[Swift]

Well done mums!
Breaking the cycle is a huge, huge, huge thing.
There are worse things than overindulgence, as I'm sure you know.
Your mum makes me so mad.
What is it that you think you owe her?
She's had years and years and years to cultivate a loving relationship with you.
She's had a million billion chances to not treat you poorly.
It's not that there's something wrong with you. It's that there's something wrong with her.
You don't owe anyone your happiness or your sanity, especially not people who treat you like shit.
If she stops treating you like shit, I'm sure you'll reassess the situation.
But... you don't owe her anything.

 

[mumstheword]

Well done mums!
Breaking the cycle is a huge, huge, huge thing.
There are worse things than overindulgen...

I feel truth in these words @Swift . I'm going to apply this logic and use it to work on the horrible depression (that is a mere residue, compared to what it was when I was younger and without support) that my familial feminine relations induced in me.

Yes, many, many chances. Now, it would require some effort on her part to rectify and repair our relationship.

Wow, hit with more wammies. My kids grandfather, who I really like, died just a couple of weeks ago. Then I found out one of my son's was raped by another boy, as an eleven year old, then my mum's mum died, in the space of a couple of weeks.

No wonder I'm feeling a bit flat and shit.
Sorry I'm so self-oriented and short of supportive energy. I feel (habitually) inadequate for not giving others more support, but, yeah, things are a bit tough, right now.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sorry I'm so self oriented and short of supportive energy. I feel (habitually) inadequate for not giving others more support

Yourself first, Mums. And we're here for you.

 

[Swift]

Yep.
Let us take a turn at supporting you.
I'm not surprised you're short on energy!
Lots of good vibes.

 

[ILoveLife]

Hugs :hug: :hug: mums

 

[mumstheword]

You are really sweet, guys :-) . It cheers me up, makes everything more bearable (however that's spelled) .


It hurts that my mum can be nice, but is one of those people that only ever gives me the time of day when she wants something from me, wants to use my space or wants to impress someone else. And always has mean things to say about one of us, her partner, my siblings, their partners or my partner.
She mines me for tragedy porn and I know she was just blabbing my humiliating shit to other family members, because she always did it about them, to me, too.
She's one of those people who has gaslit me a lot and likes to pin all the mental illness on me. She "diagnosed" me with bipolar. I told her it was PTSD, when I got things sorted out and had a second and third opinion that were all in agreement that it was ptsd, but years later she was still telling people I had bipolar.

Way more comfortable for her.

She thrives on other's or her own drama, making others look terrible, saying crap things about everyone in her family, even her partner, because she needs to be the victim and have others look worse than her. It's always been this way.
It's always a negative focus with her. It's always a "poor me". It's always drama and it's always codependency.
I feel sorry for her. I feel frustrated. I feel unseen and unliked by her. I feel used by her.

She never apologized to me for abuse, ever.

I once told her I wasn't comfortable her always using me as a "girlfriend" type, telling all her boyfriend problems and sex problems to me and using me like a counsellor, but that was how she habitually related with me, so I gave up with that boundary (until the tipping point, last year) she didn't seem to be able to relate to me on any other level. But that's my crappy boundaries, for you. It seems it's crappy boundaries or no boundaries for me with her. I don't know how to do healthy boundaries with her, that's my problem.

 

[ILoveLife]

I don't know how to do healthy boundaries with her, that's my problem.

I learn as I go to be honest. Deep breaths and not exploding on the moment, having conversations at appropriate times, etc.
It's a lot better now, but the trick is to be able to separate their issues from our issues.

You're a wonderful strong person, you don't mistreat your mother. If that counts for something.
But the anger and valid resentment need to come out at some point, right?
Explaining calmly how you feel or going full no contact are all valid options.

I wish it was easier. I struggle a lot with this.